Funny Farm

Oh, no. Here comes a speech.

Just when I started to enjoy myself.

Andy...

...all my life I've dreamed of...

...packing up and leaving the city and the newspaper business behind.

What stopped you, Jack? Give it a shot.

And moving to some quiet little town in the country...

...and putting down on paper...

...the novel I know I have inside of me.

That's not a novel, Jack. It's heartburn.

But for one reason or another, I never followed that dream.

No talent.

And to be honest with myself, I probably never will.

Thank God for that.

But you are, Andy.

You're gonna live out that dream for me...

...and possibly for every man seated around this table.

Not me.

So, Andy, I believe...

...I speak to the feelings in all our hearts when I say to you:

"You son of a bitch."

Seriously...

...we'll miss you, Andy.

Good sports writers are hard to find.

- Lord knows, I have never found one. Hey, hey, hey.

Well, I guess I wouldn't be much of a newspaper man if I didn't know that...

...all of this cynicism merely masks deeper feelings of resentment and envy.

But seriously, this is really great and...

...I'm touched. Hey, Andy.

- What's the book gonna be about? -About 300 pages, Harry.

Show them the check, Andy.

Merely an advance...

...of $10,000. -Oh, that should cover your airfare back.

As the heir apparent to your Giants season tickets...

...I wish you all the success in the world.

Don't get your hopes up, Ray.

He'll be back before the preseason ends, if he goes at all.

No, I don't think so. This move is for keeps.

That's what Billy Martin said.

Elizabeth and I have made a commitment.

- We're even gonna start a family. -My God. More Andy Farmers.

Yeah, give it a shot. -So even if I wanted to move back...

...Elizabeth would never let us.

- All set? -Yes.

Give me a kiss.

We're off.

Redbud, here we come.

Hey, there's our movers.

Hey, fellas!

See you up there!

- Who the hell was that? -How should I know?

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth?

Look at these. These are even better.

- Oh, by far. Mm-hm. -Shh-shh-shh.

Let's get out of here.

- This is the best one yet. -We can trade it for a "railroad crossing."

Woo-had.!

Am I crazy or is it even prettier than when we bought it?

No. You're right.

I am right, it is prettier.

And, look, the ducks are still here.

I think they must live here, Andy.

That means they're ours.

How about that, Elizabeth? We own ducks.

We're duck owners.

I bet I could reach in there with my bare hands and pull out a fish.

Come on, let's go inside.

Wait. This is our first real house. I'll carry you in.

I heard that. -Nonsense. You're light as a feather.

Jeez!

Honey! Oh, God, are you all right? Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, baby. It's that damn door.

Oh!

Sweetie pie, I'm sorry.

- Are you better? Are you okay? -Yeah.

- Okay. -Yeah.

Well...

...welcome to our new home.

Come on.

I wonder how long it would take for an ambulance to reach us out here.

Let me see that map again.

Which way does it go?

Don't ask me. I'm the assistant.

Where's north? Which is south?

Maybe this.

Who the hell drew this map?

Juice is on.

Water's on. Everything's on track in here.

No phone.

No phone. They didn't install the phone.

They were supposed to install a sandstone-beige wall phone...

...next to this window. -I don't get it.

I ordered that phone in writing a month in advance. I paid a $50 deposit.

Be that as it may, Andy, there's no telephone in this kitchen.

Well, 200 years ago, the settlers lived their entire lives without telephones.

We can manage a day or two till I get this straightened out.

Okay. Then let's get something to eat.

You can't be hungry already.

Honey, we ate hours ago.

As soon as the movers arrive and unload, we'll zip into Redbud...

...for an old-fashioned home-cooked meal.

Whatever you say.

Hey, Mac. Which way to Redbud?

How'd you know my name was Mac?

Just guessed.

Then why don't you guess your way to Redbud?

Elizabeth?

Yeah.

My writing room. Tell me what you think.

Originally I thought I should put my desk here so I could look out over the pond.

Then I thought, no, too many distractions.

So I should put the desk over here facing this way...

...and I can put the bookshelves over there. What do you think?

- Well, I'll tell you what. -Shh-shh-shh.

Come here, look at this.

What is that, a finch? A lark?

I think it's a sparrow, Andy.

It's perfect.

Isn't it perfect, Elizabeth?

A bird's nest right outside my writing room window.

Oh, Andy. I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before.

Well, why shouldn't I be happy?

We bought a house in the country. Gonna write my novel.

We're gonna start a new family.

When was the last time we horsed around in the middle of the day?

Six years ago when we were both down with the flu.

That's too long.

Now?

- Here? -Mm-hm.

Yes, on both counts.

Shouldn't we wait for the bed to arrive?

Oh, no. The settlers 200 years ago never needed beds.

No sense breaking with tradition now.

Listen.

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

No.

It's them.

The movers are here.

Terrific.

Maybe now we can eat.

Andy?

Hey. Andy?

Andy, look out!

- Honey, are you all right? -Jesus. What the hell was that?

Who was that maniac?

What is it, a death threat?

No, it's a letter...

...addressed to the people we bought the house from, the Musselmans.

- A letter? -This is mail, Andy.

That maniac is our mailman.

I guess there's a lot we'll have to get used to around here.

But I bet those are just the things we come to love the mo--

What was that for'?

A mosquito.

Honest.

Let me have a try.

Pardon me, sir.

- Could you give us some assistance, please? -Yeah. Glad to help.

We're looking for Dog Creek Road.

That would be near the town of Redbud.

If I was going to Dog Creek Road, I sure as hell wouldn't start from here.

But supposing you had to?

Well, then I'd swing around and go back the way you came.

But this time, turn right where the old Hollenshed barn used to be.

Then about five miles before the road dead-ends, veer left...

...and follow the railroad tracks straight into a town called Beaver Mills.

Or you could take the bridge at the fork in the road and save yourself a heap of time.

But I wouldn't go that way if I were you.

This ain't a bridge.

-It's termites holding hands. -We're going over it.

Not me. I wouldn't go over this thing on a skateboard.

We're going over it. Have faith in the craftsmanship of our forefathers.

Your forefathers, not my forefathers.

Oh, Lord.

This is insane. What are we doing, man?

We're just movers. That's all. We're just movers.

No one gets paid for this shit.

Go back, go back, go back!

Go back, go back, go back.

It's over. It's over, man.

- Forefathers, my ass! -Shut up. You're making me nervous.

Any sign of them?

Nope.

I think it's gonna be a sneak attack.

Where'd you get that?

From the picnic basket.

Anything else?

No. This was the last of it. One banana.

- That's all. I'm sorry. -No.

I thought I saw an apple.

Nope. Just this.

Mickey?

Yeah. You still got that map?

Yeah. Don't lose it.

It might be the piece of evidence that gets me off a murder charge.

Who you gonna kill, Crocker?