The Big Bang Theory

Howard Wolowitz.

Hey, Howard. Dave Roeger here at NASA.

We need to talk about your upcoming mission.

Yes, yes, I've been doing my push-ups.

I'm still stuck at nine, but...

...that's going all the way down with no one holding me.

That's great, uh, but that's not why I called.

We've run into a bit of a snafu.

Your Soyuz capsule failed the pressurization test,

so bottom line, mission's been scrubbed.

You're kidding. So what does that mean?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. (laughs)

Boy, I got to tell you,

I'm really disappointed.

This was my dream

ever since I was a little kid.

Okay, well, uh,

thanks for the call.

Yep, you, too.

Yes! Thank you!

: Oh! Oh...

I'm not gonna die in space!

I'm gonna die the way God intended,

in my late 50s, with a heart full of pastrami.

The Big Bang Theory 5x23 The Launch Acceleration Original Air Date on May 3, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

I'm going to need a larger shirt.

This one's a little tight under the arms.

Okay.

Do you think maybe it's tight

because you're wearing long underwear?

Yes, of course that's why it's tight.

All right, let me rephrase the question.

Why are you wearing long underwear?

You're kidding.

Shouldn't the question be: why aren't you?

No, it should be: why are you? Leonard,

these rental tuxedos have been

worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers.

I don't like my own sweat touching my skin,

how do you think I feel about theirs?

Why don't you slip this on?

Said the hangman offering a noose.

Well, that wasn't as entertaining

as when he rents bowling shoes,

but it was right up there.

Well, that's it.

My orders have been rescinded.

I am officially "no go" to space.

I'm sorry, Howard, but I got to tell you,

I'm a little relieved you're not going.

Why?

Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket

designed in the 1960s by the Russians.

Yeah, so?

When was the last time you were at Best Buy

and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-ray player,

it must be good, it was built in Russia"?

Well, their technology isn't that bad.

When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free-fall

from space at 500 miles per hour,

and the only thing that slows you down

is a little parachute that pops out

right before you crash into the ground.

And the whole thing was designed

by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture

Rocky and Bullwinkle.

All right, well, whatever.

I wasn't worried.

You weren't?

Let me explain the difference between you and me.

You watch

Star Trek; I live it.

Oh, please. I don't remember the episode of Star Trek

where the guy never goes to space

and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

Make all the jokes you want,

but there's only one of us here brave enough

to almost do what I almost did.

Ah, much better.

You must be burning up.

A little. But not more than your urethras

will be after whatever's in those pants swims up them.

Well...

I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don't I?

I look like the Flash about to get married.

Oh! A tissue! A tissue!

Oh, good Lord!

Uh, where's he going?

He keeps emergency Purell in the car.

Keys! Keys! Keys!

Hey, you. Before I come in,

you should know, I have gas.

For the record, not your worst opening line.

Check it out. It's the gas I use

in my free-electron laser to support high voltages.

But it also has an interesting secondary use.

Here. Breathe this in.

B-Before I do it, if you're a cop you have tell me, right?

Just try it.

Okay.

: What's it supposed to...

Oh, my God, that's so freaky!

Okay. Me, me, me. Ready?

: Leonard, I am your father.

I have never been more attracted to a woman

who sounds like a man in my life.

Oh... (laughs)

Mm.

Hey... you know how we've been...

taking things slow? Mm-hmm.

Well, I've been thinking, and...

maybe I'm ready to...

take things a little... faster.

Oh...

great. Mm-hmm.

And I promise, after waiting four months,

fast is what you're gonna get.

You know, just-just one thing.

Look, we're in a really great place right now,

and I don't want to do anything

that will make stuff all weird again.

So we won't let it get weird.

Okay. Oh, and just a heads-up...

mm, since the last time you saw me naked,

I got a Cookie Monster tattoo.

The acceptable responses when you see it

are "awesome" or nothing.

What about...

: Cookies!

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

7:00, right on time.

It's not an accident.

I waited outside your door for 20 minutes.

Well, dinner's almost ready.

I must say,

I was surprised you chose to spend

our date night in your apartment.

As I mentioned,

the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times,

and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale.

You ask anyone,

that's a hot date.

Tempting choices, but I have something special

planned for tonight.

What can be more special than having

an adequate amount of time to cross the street

on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?

With our friends moving forward in their relationships,

I've decided that we should make progress in ours as well.

Oh, dear Lord.

Two years ago, we didn't even know each other,

and now I'm in your apartment after dark.

How much faster can this thing go?

I had a feeling you'd be reluctant,

which is why I'm going to dip

into my neurobiological bag of tricks.

: Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.

I have devised

an experiment that I believe will increase

your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.

And how do you propose to do that?

Uh, hope you're not thinking

about some sort of LSD thought control.

Because there's

only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys,

and that's called school.

Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up.

In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera.

I'm going to attempt

an experiment that will get you to transfer

those feelings to me.

Well,

seems what's on the menu tonight

is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.

We'll see.

Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?

(Super Mario Bros. video game music playing)

Super Mario Bros. theme?

Yes.

I see what you're doing.

You're attempting to build on the work

of Ebbinghaus by triggering

an involuntary memory of me playing that game--

admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood...

...but it won't work.

Fine. There's no reason we still can't have

a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat.

(Sheldon humming along with song)

Boink! Boink!

May I offer you something to drink?

You know I don't drink.

Not even...