This Way Up

Like I said, this is not a spa, it's a rehab facility.

What were you doing in Green Park in the night?

- Ow! - I'll unmatch you on Find My Phone

if you don't stop stalking me, you're like a creepy uncle!

'Archway Psychotherapy.'

I just shoplifted a smoothie, so I'm feeling a bit...

Actually, can I speak to Helen about this, rather than you?

- What are you doing? - Just be here! Be here!

- She's with her friends, she's making friends. - I AM here!

I don't wanna bore you with my personal life.

Please! I spend most of the day on my own, eating noodles!

Yeah? Is that your cat's name?

I'm trying to fucking respect you here, you mug!

Could you not have respected me after we had sex?

- Oh, hi! - Morning.

- Oh, hello! - Hello! - Two for the price of one this morning, was it?

You should join us, save us all on water.

Ah, no, I'd demand a rent discount

for the sort of work I put in, Emma.

At school I was a very fast and...

soup eater, so you'd both have a very good time.

Well, erm, might just, erm...

Slip in like a little bit of soap.

Oh, it's steamy, guys!

Mentaler.

Actually, babes, just don't say "mentaler".

Because my dad was mental, so it's a bit offensive.

Sorry.

- Hiya, Pat. - I have to walk to the doctor's now.

They had me on hold then just... hung up.

Oh, right, God love you, yeah.

And I found this on my chest.

Oh, God, that's a rash, Pat.

- Looks like a bit of eczema, or something. - Yeah.

Me with diabetes,

and you know, the asthma, from the...

Yeah, I know, you told me,

but you shouldn't buy cigarettes on the street.

- Never ask directions. - No.

Irish...

Now all I have is memories.

Well, give you a rash too, I suppose.

Asylum seekers. Ruin, now.

We're all immigrants, Pat, why did your mother move over here?

Ah, she was having a terrible time.

Unmarried.

Pregnant.

- I tried to kill her. - Well, there you have it.

Plus, she was white, so she fit in.

Fuck me, right, bye, Pat, good luck with your rash!

Lovely, here we go, OK.

So, welcome to the cafe.

Or as we say in English...

- Cafe. - Cafe, Exactly.

Can I have... a can of Coke...

- Mm-hm. - .. and chips, please.

Yeah, I mean, we're more of an upmarket cafe,

but yeah, go on, grand, there are some chips for you.

And also, it's "may", not "can".

Uh... May of Coke?

What?

Oh, no, no.

It's "may I have a can of Coke", not "can I have a may of Coke?"

Ah, may! Ha, May, yeah.

Theresa May!

Theresa May. We definitely don't sell her at the cafe.

And that is £30, please!

Lovely.

Right, who's next?

Victor. Come on.

What can I get you?

A vodka Coke.

Who would sell this at a cafe, Victor?

No, it's "May I have vodka and Coke, please?"

Right, so I'm the teacher here.

Thank you very much.

So, may I have...

May I have...

Vodka and Coke.

A vodka and Coke.

And...

- Please. - Please. Yes.

Very good. Thank you.

That'll be £40, please.

London prices.

Thank you. I'm making it rain here!

Fantastic.

- You rang, your highness? - Thank you, you may sit.

So. What's the craic, as you say?

Ho ho! Your Jamaican accent's coming along well.

That doesn't work, actually, I'm Jamaican.

Well... Ja-making me crazy with your terrible Irish accent.

Seriously, though.

One of the guys has pulled out of a job with this French kid.

- Do you speak French? - Oui, monsieur. Je parle plus q'un peu.

Is that a yes? I don't speak French.

Don't be... croissant with me for making you feel inferior.

No wonder you're single.

Wow. Zing.

No, no, I'm sorry...

- Yeah. - It was... banter?

No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.

Yeah, what were you saying?

Yeah, no, so... I'd love you to do it,

um, but...

- Mm-hm? - Do you think you could call round for a quick hello now?

- Now?! - Yeah, the father wants to meet you first.

So you'd be starting tomorrow,

but it would be some nice dollar.

Um... I mean, yeah.

Sterling would be nicer. But, er...

- Yeah, yeah, of course I'll do it. - Perfect.

- Yeah, that's... grand. - Address on the top.

Genuinely, thanks, I need the work.

- So... - Aine.

Um... I'm sorry about that joke.

Oh, no, God, no, don't be silly!

Don't be silly, just banter between mates.

I have no soul, James, you know that.

- But I will be reporting you to Ofsted. - No, please don't.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, hi. I'm Aine.

Right, yeah.

Richard. Come on in.

Oh, you're English.

Uh, yeah.

So?

Well, I just thought you might be French.

No. No.

No, I'm not French.

Well, let me know if you change your mind!

It's actually my...

my...

well, son, I suppose, yeah.

Yeah, son, that... who needs tutoring.

Oh, right, so you don't need help with your English, then?

That is what we call in the tutoring business... a joke.

Right. Yeah. Um...

- He's 12. - Mm-hm. - He's just moved here from France.

I think his English is...

is probably better than he lets on.

God, he sounds shifty.

Yeah, that's about it, really.

Uh, he has brown hair.

Then I am outta here!

- Another one of your jokes? - It was, yeah.

Oh, and, er, his mother died recently.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's OK.

- I actually didn't know her that well. - Yeah, but, like...

for Etienne.

- Yeah. - Wow. God.

That's...

And so you didn't know her?

No, not really, uh...

No, we used to see each other once a year.

And now he lives with you?

I'm, I'm his legal guardian.

His father?

Yup, yup.

- That too. - Mm...

God, there's such different consequences having sex

when you've got a penis compared to a vagina.

I could have kept that one in my mouth, actually.

Instead of letting it come out.

Uh, he's, uh, waiting upstairs.

If you, uh...

.. if you want to go up.

- Maybe... now? - Oh, yeah.

Hello, Etienne!

I'm Aine, the English tutor.

Bonjour.

Oh -- no. Nous allons commencer maintenant.

Let's, er, let's start now.

Hello.

- Hello. - You're a genius already!

I can't believe it!

What are you playing?

Mario Party.

My favourite kind of party.

I used to know those guys back in the day. Before they got famous.

Erm...

How long have you lived here for?

Un mois.

Ah... English?

- Months. - Ah, one month, yeah.

Did your dad, eh...

Erm... Sorry, do you say "Dad", or do you say, "Papa"?

- What does he do? - He's selling books.

And he gives me this.

Ooh, God.

He's a bit, eh, he's a little bit like...

"Hullo, hullo", isn't he?

Yeah, he's quite.

Yeah.

- Do you have friends here? Les amis? - Non.

Well, you have one now.

Me. I mean me, yeah.

I mean, if you want to be my friend, that is.

- Non. - No, you don't?