Witless

Did you make this?

I'll tell you what - my wife, she'd go fucking nuts for that.

Serious? Yeah, little present.

My friend's funeral is on Thursday, and the wake is at Whelan's pub.

Do you think you could pull off being Patrick's date?

Yes.

I'll create a distraction for you to hide the gun.

One of them's got a boyfriend.

He doesn't go by the name of Charlie Littlepockets, does he?

I'll give you the name...

For a grand.

Shit.

You're not pregnant.

Since when have you known this?

The night before last.

What? I'm sorry!

Leanne.

Leanne!

Right.

Well, this is it.

The big day.

T minus zero.

Is that all you're having?

Come on, let me make you something, you need a good breakfast.

I'm good, thanks. But you should go out on a full stomach.

This is no time to avoid trans fats.

Let's go mad and have a sausage sandwich.

I said I'm good, thank you.

You are going to be able to do this today, aren't you?

You know, do it...properly?

I know this isn't nice.

None of us wanted this, but the best thing we can do now,

for all of our sakes, including Patrick,

is to go ahead today and...give it our all.

I know.

Good.

Nice one, mate.

Do you know what? When this is over, you and me,

I think we should go to...fucking Cornwall!

I'm going upstairs to get into character.

What's that?

It's a silencer, you prick.

Yeah, cool.

The mayor's office declined to comment.

There's been a significant development into the investigation

into the death of local schoolboy Gareth Pugh.

The 68-year-old suspect, arrested on Monday, has been released,

with all charges against him dropped.

Police are now understood to be following an entirely new line of inquiry.

Traffic now, and it looks like it's not a lot of fun on the M32.

So are you doing the arrest today?

Gareth Pugh suspect?

Yeah.

Good, good.

What about you?

Oh, busy.

Busy, yeah.

Yeah, I've got a Renault Scenic being parked illegally

for the last three weeks.

The alarm's started going off now, to add insult to injury.

Got to slap a court order on that mother.

So where are you doing the arrest, then, just...

Just at his house?

School. Oh, are you?

Good. Jolly good.

Great, well...

Good luck with that.

Yeah, thanks.

And good luck with the, um, Renault Scenic.

Yep.

Colin? Hmm?

You want to come with us?

What, on the arrest?

Yeah.

No, I'd just be in the way.

You'd be more than welcome, but... Yeah, OK! Great.

I'm going to get a Crunchie from the vending, do you want anything?

See you later.

Sour Times by Portishead

Is that? Yeah.

Shh.

Shh!

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here today to say farewell to Ian Francis Bullard.

And you'll notice I say "farewell", and not "goodbye".

You'll notice I say "farewell", and not "goodbye".

Because today is not an ending.

Death is a door through which we each must...

Good times.

Ready?

Mm-hmm.

Patrick.

How's your head, son?

Willie. Willie!

Patrick!

Oh, come here.

Hey!

Really appreciate you making it down here today, mate.

That means a lot.

Hey, you're not with this ugly bastard, are you?

How much is he paying you?

I'm joking.

Heart of a fucking lion, this one.

Willie, this is Claire.

Claire?

God bless you both.

God bless the both of you.

How long has this been going on?

About three months.

On our first date, we went ten pin bowling.

Bowling? Mmm.

Hey, Shirl.

Shirley!

Look here. Oh, long time no see!

Hey, thank you for that bear.

I'm serious, that was fucking beautiful, actually.

Nah, no worries.

Hey, hold on to him.

I like a man who can sew, I do.

I won't have him cook,

but I think a man should be able to sew a button.

It's ten past, you're late.

Have you got it, then?

No, no, no, no, no.

Meat. A dog must have meat, raw meat.

Anything else is going to dull them, isn't it?

Willie? What's up, mate?

Who the fuck's that?

Well, she was at the service.

Probably some bird he was shagging.

Keep an eye on her. Keep her away from 'Manda.

He'd have done the same for us, wouldn't he? Yeah.

All right, mate.

Right. Now, I only know the boy's first name.

Fuck sake! It's Patrick.

Patrick? That's the one.

And they were shagging.

Patrick, and he lives in Swindon?

At it like two dogs in a ditch, they were.

Fuck me, this is going to ruffle a few feathers, isn't it?

Morning, noon and night, like sailors on a bunk bed.

Right.

Me, I absolutely love

anything to do with the Tudors.

Seriously. Films, telly...

books, even. I love it.

One pack. All right, Amanda, love? I'm not being funny, right?

But who the fuck is that?