Lady Dynamite

I'm a pterodactyl.

Om.

Not to be too forward, but when was the last time

that you felt the heaving touch of a man?

- Um... do blowies count? - No, God! Ew, who does that?

A lot of people.

Really? That's what they're telling you.

The last time I had actual intercourse was a year ago.

You wanna know what I do when I don't have a man?

- No. - I jam a cat paw up there.

- Oh, God. - Yup.

I'm talking about my friend Danny Katpaw. My deaf friend.

Come on. Oh, you've got a sick mind.

You really do need to get some action.

Your brain is being flooded

- with toxins and sex poisons. - Mmm.

That's not a joke.

- I just need to have sex once a year... - Mmm-hmm.

...and then all good under the hood and...

Actually though, speaking of,

when is Vaginismus this year?

Is that a Greek harvest holiday?

Greek harvest holiday?

No, it's the one day a year that I, medically speaking...

I have to have sex.

- Oh. - Otherwise, my vagina could close up.

I told you to put it on my calendar.

Are you still my assistant?

- What? - I just... I wasn't sure...

Of course, I am.

How could you even ask me that?

After everything I've done for you, and am currently doing for you!

- Sorry for saying... - Oh, my God.

Om.

- Okay. I want you to repeat after me. - Okay.

- I am confident. - I am confident.

- I am calm. - I am calm.

And I am going to nail that audition today.

- Audition? - Oh, God, did I not tell you?

It's at 4:00 p.m. on the Fox lot.

It's 3:45!

Well, then you better get on the get, huh?

- You lazy bones. - Come on!

All right, assistant work complete for today.

Hi. Maria Bamford. I'm a little late.

I drove here in the turning lane.

Yeah, but I didn't make up any time

because I had to make four unwanted left turns.

But, working on my confidence. I hate auditions. Ugh.

Sorry, you're not on the list.

That's impossible, 'cause I have an appointment at 4:00 p.m.

in the Seth MacFarlane building.

You can make a U-turn here and call your contact.

Richard... please let me in.

I haven't had an audition in six months since I had a minor mental crisis...

and I need to get this audition monkey off my back.

- Make a U-turn here, please. - Okay.

Sorry, Richard!

Audition monkey!

Hey! Hey!

Motherfucker!

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Security was tight, so...

So are we gonna fuck or what?

I ain't your bitch!

If you're gonna stand there looking at me,

you're either gonna fuck me or fight me.

I'm gonna cut you, motherfucker.

I ain't raised to be a sucker.

I am a strong black man and I care for my sisters.

And if you think I'm gonna let you walk out of Cookie's life...

you're gonna walk right into this fist. And this one!

And I wear rings!

Motherfucker!

I'm not in the right place, am I?

You just read for a 22-year-old black male...

Okay.

...and nailed it.

Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.

I've been so nervous about auditioning, and I...

Maybe I've been auditioning for the wrong parts.

What was that part again?

Cookie's younger brother Nibbles, on Empire.

Oh, okay.

I don't mean to speak for the producers,

but I think they need to reconceive this whole part.

Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna have to thank my assistant after I kill her.

That is so Nibbles.

I am Nibbles.

Thank you so much.

Bye, Richard!

- Sorry, it slipped. - The fuck?

That was so Nibbles.

I'm so sorry.

I promise it'll be addressed by this evening.

Thank you so much.

Ah, my American girl.

Bruce, I haven't been able to get through to you.

I'm so sorry, my angel.

I've been up to my ass in Kindler problems.

A dead sex worker in Reseda was found holding his headshot.

Oh... got it.

Chantrelle, are you gonna get that?

Your hand broken?

We do this Cagney & Lacey thing, really keeps me on my toes.

I just love it.

Go for Bruce.

Yes, Fox Studios. Great, go ahead.

Yes, what a coincidence.

I happen to have her right in front of me.

Well, that's terrific.

Absolutely. Yes, indeed.

I know she'll be thrilled to hear that. Most definitely. Uh-huh.

Yes, for sure.

Yes. I'm sure we're on the same page with that.

Okay, wonderful. Bye for now.

What did they say?

Did you break onto the Fox lot, audition for the wrong teleseries,

then throw a scalding hot beverage at a security guard?

Well, it wasn't that hot.

And... it just got away from me.

My hands were all slippery from Larissa's hot oils.

The less I know about you Sisters of Sappho, the better.

But the point is, you're now officially banned for life from the Fox lot.

Well, that's horrible. What about Empire?

They called several hours ago with a nice, firm "no, thank you."

But you did give them a noggin nudge,

so that they recast Nibbles as a blonde, white woman.

So, big congrats in order for one Amy Schumer.

But why did you give me the thumbs up...

and make the money gestures and show me the money rock?

Was I doing that? It's this crazy tick...

that I have when I get nervous...

or if I'm lying, you know?

Do you feel nervous now?

- No, I've never been calmer. - Huh.

So I was finished at Fox.

Who cares? I'm not afraid of them.

There's only one person I'm afraid of.

- Look who's back in town, Hollyweird! - Oh, God.

Kirsten Rydholm.

Let's see what all that Jew money buys you, huh?

Let's see, you got...

Twenty boxes of Monistat and an US magazine.

Oh, wow, looks like things haven't changed that much

- since junior high. - Well...

Remember when you perioded all over the gym mat?

Oh, my God. I have a photo of that and I posted it on Facebook.

I got so many responses.

I still talk about that in therapy.

These are for the downtown women's center.

- Yeah, makes sense... lez. - Okay.

So, you're the Checklist lady, huh?

- Yeah. - Ooh.

- They sure as shoot photoshopped you. - Yeah, I know.

God, you look like shit.

- I know. - What's wrong?

You're sure not being friendly. Don't you remember me?

Yes... you're Kirsten Rydholm.

- Uh, Kirsten Rydholm-Rydholm. - Oh.

I married Dougie Rydholm.

Oh, he's your cousin. That's cool.

- Fourth cousin, you bitch. - Okay.

- So, what about you? You married? - Not currently.

Oh, that is so sad.

Hey, you know what?

I think these are on sale, but I'm not sure.

- No, you... - Let me do a price check for you. No.

- You're gonna want me to. - That's not necessary.

No, please don't.

Hey, could I get a price check

on 20 boxes of cooch cream

for Checklist's own spokeswoman, Maria Bamford...

who has a dirty downtown?

Listen, remind me not to go to spin class with you.

That's what all you d-bags do out in LA, right?

That and jerk each other off on the freeways

while you're drinking your soda.

We'll get them no matter what the cost.

Oh, "No matter what the cost" 'cause you're all Hollywood up in here.

Yeah! I got you. I'll see you up front.

Isn't that Maria Bamford?

I hear she's bipolar.

Oh, that's Maria Bamford.

I heard she bought two Polaris snowmobiles.

Ronny Duggard told me Maria Bamford's engaged

to the Polaris snowmobile heir, Dennis Ericson.

- Oh, Marilyn, hi. - Hi.

Oh, congratulations on the engagement.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah... we're... we're sure as sugar proud of her.

Wow...

I just overheard in aisle four,

that you are engaged to Dennis Ericson, the Polaris heir.

How come you didn't tell me you're rich as shit?

What are you talking about?

I fucked it up all these years.

I've been a piece of shit to you, Maria.

So, you know, I'm sorry.

Attitude check on Kirsten Rydholm-Rydholm.