Dead Ringers

You've heard about sex?

Sure, I have.

Well I've discovered why sex is.

You have?

Fantastic.

It's because humans don't live underwater.

I don't get it.

Well, fish don't need sex because they just lay the eggs

and fertilize them in the water.

Humans can't do that 'cause they don't live in the water.

They have to internalize the water,

therefore we have sex.

So you mean humans wouldn't have sex

if they lived in the water?

Well they'd have a kind of sex.

But the kind where you wouldn't have

to touch each other.

I like that idea.

Have you heard of scuba diving?

It's just new.

Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Exactly.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. You ask her.

Raffaella.

Will you have sex with us in our bathtub?

It's an experiment.

Are you kidding?

Fuck off, you freaks.

I'm telling my father you talk dirty.

Besides I know for a fact you don't even know what fuck is.

They're so different from us.

And all because we don't live underwater.

The morculum is working superbly.

Shall I insert the manticulator?

Please.

What's the diagnosis?

Intra-ovular surgery.

Where did you get that instrument?

We had it made for us.

Really?

Might be fine for a cadaver but it won't work

with a living patient, I can tell you that.

To our fabulous twins, who have as mere undergraduates

already brought us glory.

And here it is.

In solid gold, well, solid gold plate, that is.

The Mantle retractor, which is now the standard

of the industry.

Here's to a brilliant future.

Here it is.

That's wonderful.

Yeah.

They got the pivot pin in backwards.

Bev, you should have been there.

I was.

Well, are all the necessary parts there, doc?

Yes, they are.

Though there are a couple of extra ones that shouldn't be.

That's funny.

Uh, no.

I wasn't joking.

Would you excuse me a minute?

I'll be right back.

Ellie.

I want you to look at this woman before you go.

I can't Bev, I'm late already.

If I fuck up with the chairman's wife,

we don't get our grant.

She's a trifurcate.

I've never seen anything like it.

Yeah, I'll be down in a minute, Dr. Mantle.

Keep the car waiting would you?

Thanks.

Is this Claire Niveau?

Yeah.

The Claire Niveau?

Yeah.

Ooh.

What's she doing here?

She's doing a miniseries.

She's got three agents and a bodyguard

in the waiting room.

And her life is empty without children?

How did you know?

Oh come on Bev, everyone knows that.

Don't you ever read The National Enquirer?

Star's life empty without children.

Well I hope The National Enquirer also explained

how we can make her fertile 'cause I don't think I can.

I will have to see what I can do.

Ellie.

What about dinner with the chairman's wife?

I guess la bella contessa will have to wait.

Right.

Let's take another look.

Yes.

That's fantastic.

I've never had anybody say that

about the inside of my body before.

Surely you've heard of inner beauty?

I've often thought there should be beauty contests

for the insides of bodies.

You know, best spleen.

Most perfectly developed kidneys.

Why don't we have standards of beauty for the entire

human body?

Inside and out?

I have a feeling you do.

So I'll tell him to fuck off, pardon my French.

Don't tell him to fuck off.

I need the work.

This miniseries is paying absolute peanuts.

You don't need to be humiliated.

I've decided I want to be humiliated.

Tell me about my uterus.

Well, it has three doorways.

Three cervixes leading into three separate compartments

in your uterus, that is fabulously rare.

Do you have trouble with your periods?

Listen, I'm gonna be late for the Axelrod meeting.

You'll be okay?

Goodbye Leo, remember I need the humiliation

as well as the money.

I almost never have periods.

Once or twice a year, not very enthusiastic ones.

Could I have triplets do you think?

One in each compartment?

No, doesn't work like that.

Really?

How does it work?

How did it go with la bella contessa?

Did we get our grant?

You were great.

Seductive and charming as usual.

And I think you've got your grant.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's this I hear?

It's for us, not just for me.

It's for Mantle, Inc.

Yes, yes.

I know.

Did she catch on?

Ah, contessa.

You're looking so, I don't know, Catherine Deneuve.

And how is Marcello?

Due cappuccini per favore and quickly.

The countess is a tigress until she's got

her caffeine in the morning.

Hey, come on, I'm not that bad.

You're a little bit smoother in real life.

And the movie star, how is she?

She's expecting me for lunch tomorrow.

So you're gonna find out for yourself.

Oh no.

Oh, yes.

It's all set up.

The production's rented her this little apartment

in Rosedale.

She will just be getting out of bed.

All cozy and warm.

Ellie, the clinic's booked to the hilt.

We've gotta pay the rent, you know.

I'll take your patients.

Oh yes.

I want you to go.

Bev, you've got to try the movie star.

She's unbelievable.

Don't worry, you'll be alright.

Just do me.

What did you do to me last night?

I'm still vibrating all over.

I learnt it from books.

I wish more men would read those books.

Drink?

No, thanks.

Well doc.

What's the prognosis?

Can I have a baby or can't I?

You're asking me that now?

I-I mean, here?

You said the results would be back today.

There's no chance that you'll be able to bear children.

I'm not surprised.

You must have been tested before.

They said I wouldn't have an easy time getting pregnant,

but I've been taking hormone injections,

and I have been extremely promiscuous.

I've never used contraceptive devices, I've never even

thought contraceptive thoughts.

There are other reasons for not sleeping with just...

anybody.

That's true, you know.

I never thought of that.

Oh, of course you had a chance to check me out

thoroughly...

before you jumped on me.

Are you that careful?

Do you only have affairs with your own patients?

No, I was concerned.