Time Bandits

Mum, Dad, I'm back.

I took myself to school.

You're welcome.

Where are you?

Mum, Dad, there's nothing to eat.

Ugh.

Where is everyone?

Is this some incredibly unfunny joke?

Kevin?

Where are you, you womble?

Got you, Kevin.

Random.

What was that thing in my house who turned my parents to coal?

That was Fianna. She's a demon. She's known as The Huntress.

Ugh, my skin crawled when I saw her.

- She was terrifying. - The stench alone.

- Ugh. - Used to go out with her.

But fantastic hair.

- Amazing eyes. Look powerful. - Oh, she's cool, yeah. Great gaze.

Now why didn't you tell us you used to date that demon?

I was embarrassed. You saw what she's like. She's full-on.

She turned my parents to lumps of coal.

- Exactly. - Hey, guys. I foraged some leaves.

- Oh, but... - Nah.

Yes, we don't want to eat leaves, Bittelig.

Do you think Pure Evil sent her?

Pure Evil?

She was looking for the map.

Pure Evil must know we have it.

What? Oh, hell. Oh, no.

No, it... But it's fine. I know what to do.

- Uh. - Um... Well, no, of course I don't.

No, I don't.

But... ...we'll figure it out and... Just relax, okay?

- We'll get through it. - What about these strange roots?

No, thank you.

So, are my parents dead?

They do not look well.

We have a plan though

because we have the map that allows us to travel through time.

If we can get there in time.

Yeah, and we can try to stop it.

Do you think that will work?

- No. - Well, he doesn't.

Me? Maybe.

We don't know if we can change time or affect it at all.

No, but what we do have is Widgit, who is the master of the map.

Widgit, where are we now?

According to my calculations, central Paris, 1968.

That's just not right, is it?

Still getting the hang of it.

I found something to eat.

A fossil.

How cool is this?

Eggs.

- Wow. Amazing. - Wow.

What do you guys feel like? I could do fried eggs.

I could do eggs on toast.

Frittata?

- Oh, frittatas. - Ooh, frittata.

What do you think laid them? A double ostrich?

- Probably a quadruple ostrich. -

Bittelig, uh, potential danger behind you.

Bittelig, could you please put the eggs down and...

this is very important... don't break them.

Is it a quadruple ostrich?

I don't think so.

I-I think you should run.

I think you should stay motionless.

Which one do I do?

- Uh... -

- Ooh. - Oh, dear.

- -

Ow.

Why are you saying, "Ow"? He's the one getting hurt.

I'm an empath. I feel when other people feel pain.

- Oh, okay. I'm gonna feel that tomorrow. -

- I'm... I'm okay. I'm good. - Oh, dear. Oh. You good? Yeah?

- Run! Run, run! -

Widgit, where's the... where's the portal?

- I don't know. I gotta work it out. - Where are we?

- There. - No.

- Where's Kevin? - Uh.

Guys, this isn't a fossil.

We're in the prehistoric times.

Kevin, run!

Leave the skull behind, Kevin.

- No way. -

Drop it! There's a dinosaur. Run!

- Dinosaur! - Dinosaur!

- Dinosaur! - It's actually a pterosaur!

- Ptero... - Pterosaur! Run!

- To the portal! -

Run, Kevin!

- Okay, good. - I'm good.

- - Be careful.

So sorry about that.

That should cover it.

Yeah.

Looks like Kevin didn't make it.

Oh. Well, that's very sad.

Uh, okay, well... ...it looks like we've lost another bandit.

So let's take a moment to commemorate.

Oh, look, he did make it.

Okay, good. Um...

You can put candles in them and it'll brighten up the, um...

Kevin, just leave that stupid skull.

Pure Evil, I bring news.

I'm quite busy, Damon.

- Seven. - That's eight.

Move your little boot.

- Yes, what is it, Damon? -

- Not you, Demon. -

Supreme Being has a secret project.

Supreme... ...has a secret project?

- Mm-hmm. - What's the secret?

I don't know. It's a secret.

- -

John, would you answer that, please?

Ow.

Fianna, do you have the map?

No.

Not the answer I was hoping for.

The boy's parents got in the way so I turned them to coal.

That's something, I suppose.

I have the boy's reeking stench...

and I will find him.

Do not fail, Fianna.

- -

Strangers!

Uh, I always like to say that

- a stranger is just a friend you have... - Witches.

- Strangers, therefore, witches. -

- I'm sensing anger. - She knows what we're thinking.

- Because she's a witch. -

- Oh, no, the Middle Ages. - Oh.

- A boy witch. - Cool. Where?

Me? Oh.

I'm not a boy witch. I'm Kevin Haddock.

What be that?

Oh, it be... Oh, it is...

- A dragon? -

No, no. It's fine. It's fine. It's all right.

Is it true, boy, this be the head of a dragon?

Uh, I think it's a triceratops skull.

- These strangers have a dragon slain! -

No, I just found this skull and carried it here.

We didn't slay it.

Yes, we did. We all slayed the dragon together.

We all did our part except Kevin who just carried the head.

- That's right. - Then welcome, brave dragon slayers.

- And Kevin... -

...who just carried the head. Yes.

Welcome to the town fair. And what delights do we have in store?

This is Elizabetta and she has a marvelous collection of twigs for sale.

Oh, here's a pig in a wig. Uh, a wiggy piggy. Yes.

Oh, this is Merek The Snail Juggler.

- Snails escaped again, Merek? - Oh, yeah.

- I was forced to eat them, Mayor. - Oh.

But thou faketh it till thou maketh it.

- That's what I say. - Yes.

What a great attitude.

You struck us at a... a rather impoverished time, my friends.

Things... Things have been hard.

- - Cat!

- Cat! Cat! -

What do you have against cats?

Oh, you've not heard?

The Pope has declared that cats are instruments of Satan.

So... We're getting rid of cats.

Don't kill the cats.

They kill the rats that spread the plague.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The plague is a punishment from God, for the spreading of rumors.

Apparently.

That looks like my ex-fiancé Gavin.

The one with the little hat.

Do you think he was here and they made a tapestry of him?

I think all these people look the same.

Like a blob of wool with a nose.

I see what you're saying.

My heartbreak is projecting Gavin onto the image of all of these men.

You're very good.

But no, I do think that's him.

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. The food is delicious.

- I-I love the acorns. - Oh, good.

Do you have anything that isn't...

- Anything? - Yeah, acorns?

I'm afraid to say we don't.