Six Ways to Sunday

Harold?

Uh huh?

The water's ready.

Just a sec.

Oh, I was just crazy about my little doll.

It wore a blue bonnet and a clown's suit,

with big, brass buttons.

I never let it out of my sight.

I ate with it, I went to the bathroom with it.

And at night we rocked to sleep together.

One day I was playing on the floor,

I crawled beneath the cupboard

and I found the perfect hiding place,

so everyday when I went to school,

I put my little clown doll down there.

They wouldn't let me take my little friend with me.

Then one day, I came home from school,

and someone had found my secret hiding place.

They had taken my little doll and

And cut it up into a million little pieces.

I'm boring you.

No, ma.

I gotta get to work.

Don't mind me.

You run along.

I'll be back before you know it.

Course you will, pumpkin.

You run along and have a good day.

- See you later, ma. I. - Okay, bye.

You know, next to your mother,

a dog is your best friend.

Yo, I got no beef with dogs dude,

you know what I'm saying?

But I don't get a diamond-cutter when I think about 'em.

Some people go for cats.

Cats are cool, you know.

They got a lot of respect for themselves, yo.

You ever see two cats getting busy?

No.

But you always see them dogs boning.

That's where they get that term doggy style from.

Respect's one thing.

Trust's another.

You can't trust a cat.

Nah, yo.

Cats are treacherous.

A cat is a very clean animal.

What's up, player?

We gonna do this?

No man, I never been in one of these places before.

You're the one that wanted to come along.

Everyone has a first time, Harry.

Even you.

What do ya need junior?

What?

You know why I'm here.

Mr. Pinkwise sent me.

I talked to Pinkwise.

I told him next week.

Yeah, well, next week's too late, homie.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

You owe me that fuck in room!

And I told you you better give me that fuckin' grip boy!

- Please wait a minute! - Give me that fuckin' money.

- Don't make me hit you! - I'll pay!

Give me my fucking money.

Wait, get off.

Harry, Harry man enough, that's enough!

For Christ sakes!

Five-o!

Come on, let's get the fuck out of here, come on!

What the fuck got into you man?

You fuckin' lost it!

The bug wanted a schlumping, not an execution.

We're fucked, dude.

We're way past fucked.

Is that guy okay in there?

Homie was moaning when we left.

I hope I killed him.

What?

I mean I hope I didn't kill him.

I hope I didn't kill him.

Dude come on man.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Ma!

Ma, I got to go to the bathroom.

I'm in the tub, pumpkin.

Can't you hold it?

No, ma.

I'm like dying out here.

All right, you can come in now.

Sweetheart?

What a dump.

Your mother deserves better than this, Harry.

Do I know you?

Madden.

Name's Madden.

I came here to see Kate.

Right.

You're gonna have to wait.

She's taking a bath.

Nice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can't go in there.

Why not?

I told you.

She's taking a bath.

Okay, tough guy.

Move over.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, calm down I just want to see some trim.

Jesus.

You'll remember that the next time

you get nasty with me,

or my mother.

Yo, let me handle this.

Mr. Pinkwise, I'd like to introduce you, to my friend

I know who he is.

Sit down, Harry.

Barnie, go wipe down my car.

You gotta rag?

Do I look like I carry a rag?

All right, what did you do to him?

Only what you asked for Mr. Pinkwise.

Only what I asked for.

I asked Arnie for a schlumping, and what did you give me?

Pastrami.

Just the way you like it, Abie.

You finally get the deadbeat to square up.

So you're not mad?

Mad?

Get this, after the schlumping,

Fischetti comes over so scared he's shivering in his shoes.

He comes with a box full of money,

every cent he owes, and more yet.

I never saw a guy so scared.

Even though he's clean, he gives me an extra thousand.

Insurance money, he says, so we don't send you over again.

What do you think about that?

You asked Arnie to make him want to pay,

and so we did it, that's all.

Harry, is this your first schlumping?

Uh huh.

How did you feel when you were laying into him?

I dunno.

Like maybe you just couldn't stop?

Yeah.

Maybe.

Give one to Barnie.

This is just for you.

That's okay, I'll split it with Arnie.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

I figure it's better to cross myself

than to cross a friend.

That goes for me too Harry.

Something tells me we're gonna be very good friends.

I'd be honored, Mr. Pinkwise.

You, you can call me Abie.

$200?

What the fuck you do man, give him skull?

You definitely gave him skull.

Come off it, Arnie.

Fuckin' base heads clean cars man.

He dissed me.

What was I supposed to do?

We're still partners right?

Straight down the middle?

Right.

Okay, partner.

I'll take the zipper head.

You take the register.

What are you doing with that?

What's up man, you wanna get with the g-thang,

you gotta have a gat you know what I'm saying?

Arnie, let's go, come on, I gotta go home.

Where you gonna go man, home to mommy?

Cut it out Arnie.

Mommy's lonely.

Fuck you!

Hey man!

What the fuck you doing behind the pretzels, yo?

Man, man.

Please, yo, yo, oh shit, Harry!

Help me, man.

Do something to him!

Harold, there's something we need to discuss.

You've been reading this book?

No, ma.

I was just looking at the pictures.

So, what are you curious about?

Nothing.

Honestly, Harold.

I find that hard to believe.

Don't be bashful.

I don't know what to say.

Have you had any experiences with girls?

Of course not, ma.

Then you wouldn't know, but girls today are no good.

Their sluts, they're always trying to tempt good boys

with their thing.