Hellarious

Attention Victory shoppers,

the time is now 10:00 and the store is now closed.

Please bring all your items to the front...

To the front.

First night as closing manager and you break the phone.

Anyways, that should be the last customer.

Where's Hale?

Hale!

The phone just broke.

Better get your shit together, old man.

My paper feeder's been jamming all day.

Yeah?

Proven fact that receipt paper

tends to act finicky around sluts.

Oh no you didn't just...

Bailey, just forget it.

- Just keep counting please. - He just called me a slut.

Hale, jerk.

I'm gonna take five, Jesus, asshole.

Where you off to, sexy?

Bathroom.

Hot, right?

Oh, very.

Stop, not here.

I'm not gonna be the first manager to be written up by Hale

for making out by the cookies.

He's a dick.

No, he's just,

okay yeah, he is.

I don't know, it's just,

I think

there's a lot of years there and

they weren't all good.

Yeah, whatever.

Look, my only concern is that this weekend

my parents are at Foxwood, so, you're coming over, right?

I'm looking forward to it.

Good.

Stop it.

What?

I have to pee.

What?

Get put in charge for one night.

Oh fuck.

Oh.

Shit.

Ug, Bailey, you can't leave that out.

Bailey?

Hale!

Ryan!

Could somebody please,

Guys?

You guys, this isn't funny.

Ryan?

Ug, Bailey!

Bailey?

What happened, are you okay?

Bailey?

Bailey!

What is...

Anybody!

I'm gonna get help!

Somebody!

Ryan!

Ryan.

- Who did this? - It's still here.

Who did this?

Who?

It's coming.

Who's coming?

Hide, hide, hide!

Come on.

Come on.

Run!

Quick,

Shut up, Cass.

Please help me, please.

That didn't just happen.

Oh it fuckin' happened all right.

Shopping carts can't kill people!

Quiet, quiet!

I'm sorry kid, but if you wanna stay alive,

just do as I say, okay?

Breath, breath.

Breath.

Why'd it stop?

Why'd it cut the phone lines?

Why'd it try to cut the power?

Why aren't you and I dead yet?

It's enjoying this too much.

Please tell me what's going on.

It happened so fast.

It came after me first and I fought it off

so it chased after your boyfriend when he ran outside.

I guess it knew which of us was the weaker prey.

Why, why?

They're killers, all of 'em.

They might not always strike, but they always want to.

They devote their existence to shoppers

and what do they get in return?

Abused, mistreated, hit by cars

because people can't walk the 10 feet

to put 'em back in their proper place.

They're stolen by homeless, raced by drunk teens.

Well, every once in a while, one just snaps.

What are you talking about?

I'd heard the stories, even been around long enough

to be damn sure I'd seen some shit, but honestly,

I don't know that I even really believed it until tonight.

This is insane, you're insane!

Am I?

Trust your eyes, Cass, you saw it.

I suppose it's just us left now.

Bailey.

What?

I think Bailey's still out there.

Jesus, I thought she'd be the first to go.

Well then fuck it!

You stay inside.

Lock the door behind me.

You're going out there?

I can't, in good conscious,

leave her there to die now, can I?

Wait, lift up your shirt.

I'm fine...

Just do it!

All right, thanks.

You're not leaving me in...

Yes, I am.

No, we're gonna get Bailey

and we're all gonna leave together.

You gonna poke it to death?

Any moment now, I'm gonna wake up.

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

Bailey.

Oh my God.

Come on, run!

Go!

My truck's in the back!

No, no!

Fucker!

Get up!

Okay.

- Cass! - Shh!

Give me your keys.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm here, you piece of shit, come on!

Come on.

Now!

Run, get outta here!

No Hale, we beat it.

No.

It's only the beginning.

Oh la la.

No, no!

Course I'm outta beer.

Goddam chupacabra.

Show yourself you little pecker wood.

Took my finger and I can't abide by that!

Cock sucker!

Aha!

Mommy!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

No shit.

Tonight really turned out.

Should a seen this coming.

No!

Whoa whoa, whoa, paint the man cave?

Over my dead body.

Put those brushes down right now.

You're not painting the man cave, Kitten Whiskers Purple.

No, no, I won't come home and paint with you.

Ever.

Besides, I'm out with the guys tonight, late.

You don't tell me what to do, I tell you what to do.

I'll be home when I get home and that's when I'll get home.

Okay, 9:00,

or whenever I feel like it.

Right, yeah, no later than 9:30.

Goddamn you!

Hey, go get that.

- Get it! - All right, Jesus.

Chop, chop, I ain't got all day.

- Okay. - You want a tip?

Go find a home.

What's that now?

Oh, I am listening to you.

You're going on about uh, biceps or something.

No, don't, it's just a little loud in here.

You got nothing to worry about, it's only guys here.

Hey.

Oh come on, babe.

I only get to see these guys like once a year.

I'll look for a job tomorrow.

You know, if I have time before my gig.

Besides, that RCA guy is supposed to be calling this week.

No, you say that every week.

Yeah, you know, beep, I think your phone,