Rare Beasts

Mm.

Weed.

Why did I do that?

I was being bold, that's why my mouth is...

dry. Water.

I always worry that weed will make me idle, you know?

Indecisive, or less ambitious, which would be awful.

Well, you seem happy.

Happier.

Relaxed.

No, I'm just tired really.

Spirited.

Self-conscious.

Go on, then. Eat it.

Eat to your heart's content.

Eat till your hands swell so much

you can't handle the cutlery.

Another bread basket?

Yes, please.

So why are you single, Pete?

What's not to love about Pete?

Uh, well, I'm just gonna be plain with you.

I find women, in the main, intolerable.

But I realised that I can't live without one.

No, I won't live without one.

Right.

My parents, I mean, it's hard to find a love like that.

You know, well hung.

I wanna feel lonesome when my woman leaves the room...

- No, you don't. - He does that, my dad

he sort of hovers by the door while my mother takes a moment.

- God, how stifling. - Or just lovely?

No.

Mandy, uh, I ought to be straight with you.

Um...

I'm a man of faith.

You're fucking joking.

No, I am a religious enthusiast.

W-what a strange thing to say.

Come on, it's nice. I live with hope.

- Do you? - I'm just saying

- I'm a believer. - Well, I'm...

Let's just be honest here...

That seems to be the measure of things.

I have no reason to appeal to you.

- Then why are you here? - I dunno, Pete

- cos I found you interesting. - Not enough to suck me off?

In the spirit of honesty, Pete

you should know I give really bad blowjobs.

- You do have a lot of teeth. - No, my...

my teeth are just big. It's deceiving.

I actually have the correct number of teeth in my head. 32.

What have you got in there, a little bag of shrapnel?

I can see your bloody nerve endings.

If we had a child, we might actually produce something

with average-sized teeth.

Well, that would be a wonderful accomplishment.

Uh, you already have a child, right?

- Yeah. - What are his teeth like?

Dickensian.

And where's the bastard's father?

Ugh.

You set the tone, love, with all that blowjob jive.

When you look at my mouth

do you think it would be anything shy of toothy?

What do you... What do you want, Pete?

Do you want teeth by day, gums by night?

You want me in a set of dentures.

L-Let's just wrap this evening up

with the strap line "grounds for marriage."

No, I don't wanna fucking talk about marriage.

No, I mean, this feels like

the beginning of some missionary shit.

- God is love. - Religious persuasion.

I don't wanna marry you, you'd be a shit wife.

- Yeah, I would. - You're a modern woman.

You want people to think what you say matters.

You want your dinner on the table, right?

- Yeah. - Jesus.

Y'know, you talk of men wanting gummy blowjobs.

Women want more head than ever.

Y'know, less intimacy, more head.

More head. Shit!

Women these days have got more testosterone

coursing through their veins than blood.

Oh, my God.

Mm.

You're gonna...

You're gonna rape me tonight, aren't you?

I mean, those are classic rapist remarks.

Uh...

- I've made you uncomfortable. - No, I feel incredibly relaxed.

Now, should I get the bill, or does that guarantee a raping?

- I'll get the fucking bill. - OK, well, thank you.

You'll marry me in a year.

Unlikely.

Oh, come on. We get on.

I don't want this to be some three-year arrangement

where we're...

you're haemorrhaging your youth to no end.

Work will do that, modern woman.

Let's just say that if, after a year

we're undecided about marriage

then we'll just... we'll part company.

I could see that coming, you ate like a pig.

Come on, please.

Just think about me all night. I pretty much adore you.

Taxi!

I'm gonna go home and wank over your Instagram pictures, OK?

But only the ones with your mouth closed.

Well, I'll look into dentures in the morning.

It's a deal-breaker.

- Mum. - Mandy.

What time did he go to bed?

7pm on the dot. No fuckin' around.

Dad called.

What did he say?

A loan was unlikely.

Are you drunk?

It's the HRT. It makes me slur.

Anyway, I'm off to see the solicitor on Friday.

So, I'll know once and for all.

Be good to know one way or another, do I get a house?

This Pete, are his parents still together?

Oh, I assume so. They're religious.

No, they're not!

- Catholics? - Unclear.

Will he practise safe sex?

We're not having sex.

Oh, God. You don't want another fucking kid.

It's platonic.

You know, I don't...

I've never used a condom. Never ever.

Nope. Not once.

Well, you should probably get tested, Mum.

I mean, Dad... fuckin' hell.

Right, I'm gonna go to bed.

I love you, Mum.

I got stoned tonight.

Was it fun? You deserve it, love. You're lovely.

Even though I feel scared

and angry...

Even though I feel scared and angry

I still love...

I still love and respect myself.

Love and accept myself.

OK, come on. Listen.

You listening? This is gonna be a great day...

La-la, la-la...

Are you listening?

Larch.

I love you.

Yeah.

I love you.

Give me a kiss.

Bye!

You look like the Joker, love.

I'm just really happy.

You fuck.

Handy!

- It's Mandy. - Yeah.

Tall triple-shot soya latte.

- "No fucking foam." - Is there coffee in that?

- That coffee is almost illegal. - It's important to me.

Gloria!

- Oh. - Ah! Shit! Ah...

- Fuck! - Did you not see me?

- No, I was turned the other way. - Right, yeah.

- I'm fucking burnt, you know? - You're fine.

Ugh!

Sorry!

Even though I'm spineless and tired

I still love and respect myself.

...so old. Even though I'm old. I'm so old...

Even though I'm shy, I still love and respect myself.

- ...love and respect myself. - Even though I ate the cake

- I still love and respect myself. - Ah!

Even though I'm clumsy

even though I'm fucking clumsy and late

I still love and respect myself.

Love and respect myself.

...money, cock, promotion...

I still love and respect myself.

Success, achievements, progression

money, cock, promotion.

Mandy.

How big do you dream?

The biggest. You know that.

But are you dreaming as big as those cats out there?

I like to think so.

Look, I know you have a kid.

We all do, and we know that's both

an enormous advantage

- and a crippling disadvantage. - It has its moments.

- You're late. Every day. - Except today.

Your work, your manner.

You're angry, seething. You know people are calling you Scottish?

- I'm not Scottish. - You seem it.

But the material... nobody wants to read about miserable women

because they don't exist.