Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy

Hi its shoulder

Hi, I'll come to the show. It's the last episode in the series, so I thought as a treat

we could all bring games in, no like the last day of school.

Look, more. I have bought in this PM-ondrian Rubik's cube. Wow, that's amazing. And this limited

addition, Damien Hurst Twisternet, which ironically is exactly the same as a normal Twisternet.

It's going to be brilliant. It's going to be a real party vibe, you know, jelly and ice cream.

A celebration. No, it's for you. It's the head of the television channel. Greg, somebody

or other? Greg, somebody or other. Hello? Right. No, yeah, yeah, I understand. Yeah. No, yeah,

yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah. No, thanks for ringing. What did he say? Show's been cancelled.

Why? I don't know. Somebody about the ratings not being good enough. What other ratings?

Nine. Nine. Yeah, nine. Apparently, nine is not enough in the modern climate. Oh, you're

going to go, no, I'm going to take anyone's hair. But not what will we do? Right, don't panic

at it, honey. Apparently, if we can boost the ratings from nine to twenty five, he might

reconsider. Those are big numbers. I know. Apparently, every show comes with ratings

from one of those. Is anyone seeing one of those? Ah, yes, we are using ours to prop open

the toilet door. I will go and retrieve it and wipe off the piss. No, what does it mean

when a show gets xed? Is it just its cancel? Does it mean that, you know, two muscular guys

with x is all sort of greased up, come in and just smash the shoulder bits? Because, you

know, if it means that, it might be worth sticking around, you know, it sounds hot. I don't

even understand how we're actually friends. No, I have found nothing under and look, it appears

we do have nine ratings. Yeah, we've got nine. It's the truth. It's Danny Bullitt. Oh,

my American agent is out of his mind. Hello? No, it's bullet. How are you? How are your

parents? Yeah, shut up, shut up! I just got the news. Yeah, it's pretty bad. No shit,

shithead. How the hell could you let this happen? I don't know. You don't know. Haven't

you got a ratings thermometer? We have, but it's proper to open the toilet door. You're

an idiot! You parents have no organizational skills. You don't take anything seriously.

Okay, look, just calm down a little bit. Calm down? Don't tell me to calm down, Null. I've

been in this business for nearly three years. I've seen it all. We've got a situation

here, a big situation. You lose a show, I lose my commission. And you've got nothing

else coming in. You're not pro-effic. I'm going to let you go. And I can't afford to

lose another client, Null. Who have you got these days? Oh, I got it, you. Wally Coyote

and Didier Draugba. Lackin' to Pac-Man. He's gone. He left me. He went to Super Mario's

agent. He's still going to client management. No. I'm on a new thing now. I remass therapy.

I am mask therapy. What's that? No, it's all the rage in LA. When you feel yourself

getting the rage, you put on the mask, you reach down for the smaller Nate Hammer, and

then you just let yourself have it. Ring the bell.

Yeah, are you finished? Yeah, I'm okay now. Right, good. Look, it's not over yet, okay?

If we can boost the ranks from 9 to 25, we might still save the show.

Alright, well, you do what you can, right? I gotta go. Oh, and Null? Yeah? Fix it!

How does one go about boosting the ratings? Anyone got any ideas? Oh, I have an idea, Null.

What if we all phone everyone we know and politely ask them if they will watch the show?

Is that it? Yes. Oh, we haven't got anything else. We might as well give it a go.

That is great. I've actually had some success. My Nana and her best mate, Oliver, are going

to watch the show. They just got back from Bingo and their shit taste. Dolly? Well, no one

uses phones anymore, so, you know, I just put a message up on Spreech Dick. Right, so

what was the response? Well, in so far, Oliver says she's going to watch the show.

Wait a minute. Is your friend Oliver, the same person as my Nana's friend Oliver? Oh, yeah,

I think so. No, I've got it. Sex. It's a surefire way to boost the ratings. I'm going

to perform a photographic scene for you right now to save the show. Cousetsy, music. Hi,

I've come to fix the washing machine. Maybe you can fix me after? What? Right then. I'll

take a look at it. Shall I? Well, don't you take a look at these first. No. No.

Um, couldn't do it too soon. Only been five years. This misty circle died. Ain't

it right? Fucking show up myself. Don't worry, you'll still get paid. An old, tired

lo, for Uncle Rowett. What was a gallant attempt? What about wedding? What? Two

cases from a show get married to wait and to go to the room. That's not a bad idea. Dolly,

meeting you could get married. Out of the question, I will never marry you. What?

Not even saves the show. Not even to save the show. Why? Well, it's just not how I picture

my wedding day, you know. How do you picture your wedding day? Okay, so I'm standing there

and it's amazing dress, sort of rock and roll kind of traditional, maybe shorts. And suddenly,

the doors of the church are smashed open and there's two guys, you know, all greased up, both

holding axes, they've just come from smashing a shoulder pieces. It's so hot. Yeah, sounds

adorable. Excuse me for a moment when I get this call. Hello? What's that, Joey? You've

noticed that a lot of the religious American channels get the big ratings. Right? So you

want to do one of your plasticine adventures, but give it a bit of a cool twist. Certainly

dry. Alright, Joey. Thanks a lot. Bye bye darling.

Oh, Joey Ramon. Looping down the high road. Oh, look, Joey. It's a G-Pop punk rock

sands to God floating on the weak cloud. What's that, Egi? You enjoy to travel the world

and spread the gospel of punk. What's that, Joey? You're not doing that. It's your day

going to Coney Island or the boat trip instead. Oh, look, Joey. It's Captain Bird Brain

here to welcome you aboard his vessel and offer you some freshly caught fish. What's that,

Joey? You do like fish, but prefer to more manageable chunks, like squares or fingers.

What's that, Captain Bird Brain? Fish fingers is a wonderful idea. You're definitely going

to explore that when you get the wee moment. Oh, dear Egi. You feel that Joey may not be

taking his role as punk ambassador seriously, and it may be time to teach him a wee lesson.

Oh, no, Joey. Egi's causing a storm with the air from his woopy cushion. He's going to

sink the boat, like the real God did to Jonah in the Bible, which is what this story is

pastishing. Joey, you better tell the captain it's all your fault and ask him to jettison

you overboard, otherwise the boat will sink. Oh, dear Joey, it looks as though you can't swim

on account of having no arms. But what's this? It's a punk rock liver whale about to swallow

your hole. It's a miracle, Joey. You've been saved from a watery grave. He say God

didn't want to kill you. He was just trying to teach you a wee lesson. Oh, Joey Ramon.

Oh, Egi pop. Oh, Captain Bird Brain in his new role's voice. What's that Captain? Thanks

for the fish finger idea. I'm fucking loaded now. It's a funny old world. Looks like rain.

Who knows, they're fish fingers. I guess religion's just not as big as it used to be. Yeah, it

has gone out a little bit. Snow. Well, I have stolen some braidings from another TV show.

Look who I, what show? The Snooker. Snooker. Amazing. They get huge braidings. How many

did you get? Two. I did have more, but there seems to be a hole in the bottom of my

rucksack. Wait a minute. That's my man and I may olive. I suppose to be watching our

show. Must have switched over to the Snooker. Great. We're back to where we started. Hello? Yeah,

it's me, Bullet. What's happening with the ratings? Yeah, we're still on nine. Jesus Christ,

man. It's almost the end of the first half. Hello. Can you just calm down a little bit, do

you think? Let me explain something to you, you walking haircut. In fact, you know what?

Put me on speakerphone. The others need to hear this as well. Okay, you on the speed phone now.

Hello, morons. Let me ask you a question. What do you think happens to characters from shows

that get asked and no longer exist? See, there's two types of characters. Firstly,

they're characters from successful shows. Colombo, Captain Kirk, Magnum, and the littlest

hobo. These characters are sent to a five star resort where they see out their days sipping

cocktails treated like royalty. Sounds cool. Then, they're characters from less successful

shows. Hey, hey, that's you guys. Now, you know what happens to these characters?

Get taken to a travel lodge. They get put in storage. It doesn't sound too bad. And then they get

insiterated. To make space for other characters from other unsuccessful shows and it goes on

and on and on. And that's how television works. Oh, great.

Okay, Mr. O'Sullivan. Let me get this straight. This is very amusing. You claim you

are playing snooker on television. When a guy matching the description of the pop artist,

Andy Warhol, wants them to the studio helping himself to some of your ratings. You then

say you followed him all the way back here to paint it Hawaii where you claim he now resides,

working in a coffee shop, wiping down the surfaces and serving the public hot cappuccinos.

I suppose when you put it like that, it does sound a bit far fetched. Get out, O'Sullivan.

Get out. I've had enough of this sort of stuff from you snooker players. I'm going to give you

a warning for wasting police time. But next time, it'll be the electric chair. Okay? And send

in the lane, Robbie, though. He's been using the mayor's parking space again. That's for

Willie Fallon. We know he's Banksy. We do know he's Banksy. Hello? Hey, it's Boris. Yeah, I'm

on a plane coming over. Really? Yeah. Did he drop a let me his private jet? Listen, no.

Bringing someone with me, someone who can save the show. Wow, who? I can't tell you. It's

a surprise. But don't worry about it. I've taken care of everything. Yeah, but the thing...

What are you wearing? It's for our wedding. Our wedding? Yeah, we're getting married.

We're not getting married. You turn me down. Yeah, but you know, that was before.

Before? Before you realize you were going to get incinerated. No, but you know, no,

I've been thinking and I feel like we could be a great couple, you know, like Rudy Fallon,

here, good clinsman. What about the big greased up rock men with axes? Ted was just a fantasy.

No, I want to marry you, know? I just felt like the bonds of trust have been broken a bit now.

Well, the bonds of trust were broken quite a long time ago, know? What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, when we were going out, you know, when you kept asking me to do a thing.

Oh, yeah, can we not talk about this now? Okay. What are you guys up to?

We are writing an Australian soap opera. They get messy ratings. Great idea. How's it going?

We are still flushing out the main characters.

Hello?

Hello? All right, no. I just was getting incinerated. Yeah, all the characters are actually

inclinating you. Sorry about that. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Really?

Well, you know the guys who's coming down to collect everyone for incineration. Yeah?

What they work for me. Really? Yeah. That's what I wanted to talk to you, know?

You've been quite a good tenant to me over the years. So I wanted to do you a little favor.

Right? You see the figures? I'm not about to get you out of this. There's a loophole.

A loophole? Well, technically you're in a character because you play yourself.

That's the crux of the loophole right there. Right? Yes, I could get you out of it.

It's a kind offer, but you know, what about the other characters? I can't leave them here to be incinerated.

How do I ever live them yourself? Well, that's your own fur if you take.

So I don't give a shit about that. Basically, you ain't got it long to make a decision

because there are a move on there and be there soon.