Fleabag

Just put it back where you got it from, OK? - No.

Thank you for coming in today. I've read your application.

It was... funny.

Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

So, how did you two meet?

He fucked me up the arse.

So, is your business... surviving?

The lease is up in a couple of days,

and I don't think I can really afford to...

Sneaking a preview, are we?

It's a sexhibition.

Inspired by and moulded on your father.

I will definitely be there.

I'm leaving Martin. I'm going to give you the money for the cafe,

and I'm going to go to fucking Finland. I'll see you at the sexhibition. Yeah.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Oh! - Oh, look at me.

I want to see those tiny things again.

Stay sexy. Stay sexy.

Those tits.

- OK. Yeah! - They are so fucking tiny.

May I...?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

There's always a stage when someone's falling

in love with you that they lose their erection.

They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high,

the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.

- Jesus. - And everything is fucked.

What?

No, I don't think Hillary is going to want to hear this.

Go on.

- No. - Go on.

OK, an 11-year-old boy was put in juvenile prison

for repeatedly sticking rubber ended pencils

up his school hamster's arsehole.

- What? - Yeah.

Why would they do that?

Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out.

No, why would they send him away?

He needs help.

She was a surprising person.

They shouldn't have just locked him up.

He pencil-fucked a hamster.

Yeah, but he's obviously not happy, happy people wouldn't do things like that.

- Fair point. - And anyway,

that's the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.

To fuck hamsters?

No, because people make mistakes.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, about last night.

I don't usually connect with women.

I know, that's what I like about you.

Yeah, OK.

I...

This must be what insecure feels like.

Actually, can we speak about this later? I want to find the right words for you.

I'll see you at the sexhibition?

- Yeah, I'll see you there. - I'm going to go to yoga.

OK.

- Marvellous. - I'm so relieved you're here.

Hi.

And, hello, good looking.

Hello.

Thank you.

- Well clung to. - Thank you.

Does it get very boring,

everyone telling you how gorgeous you are all the time?

- A little. - Should we...

Yes, I won't forget this, I promise.

Sure. Is Claire here yet?

No, not yet, you're an angel for being here.

Would you just hold on to that?

There are bottles for topping up on the little bar just inside.

I'm the luckiest thing to have you.

And...

...there.

You're a natural.

No, really, though, this sexhibition isn't about me trying to get you all aroused,

it's about the beauty of sex.

And how it brings us all together.

How it excites and connects, how it opens people's minds,

after all, sex got us all here.

Sex brings life.

I've been building this sexhibition since I was 11 and a quarter,

which is when I first climaxed by accident on a bidet.

The bidet is, of course,

exhibited here, as are all of the pieces from my first ever sexhibition.

All apart from one.

A few weeks ago one of my most delicate pieces was stolen from my studio.

But in a sense it was a blessing.

In fact, her brutal snatching made me think of the women of the world

they've been robbed of their freedom, of their happiness, and,

in the saddest of cases, of their bodies.

So in many ways I have to thank the thief for creating my most

profound piece of work to date...

A Woman Robbed .

Now, I would ask you all to leave your genitals at the door

and bring your minds to these pieces.

I don't believe people always think about sex when they see a naked body,

I believe they think about their own minds, their own bodies,

and their own power.

And that's what this show is really about...

...it's about power.

Thank you.

Beautiful.

Claire, it's me, just wondering where you are,

because I am very much here and waiting for you.

OK, bye.

Dammit, Claire. Have you seen a sort of stressed out version of me

anywhere?

Is it weird that my mouth's watering?

It's really fantastic work, honestly, it's amazing.

Thank you so much.

Yes, it's extraordinary.

Really, really moving.

Present. I'd love one of these on my floor...

...like a rug with perks.

I'm sure you would, but it's very securely nailed to the wall this evening.

- Have you found your father yet? - Yes, I think he's by the coats.

No, no, have you found your father yet?

It's just so very obvious to me.

Yeah.

Connor.

Look, about this morning...

Listen, what I was trying to say is...

Here we go. I didn't realise this until we were having sex earlier and...

- I lost my... - Erection.

- Erection. - One more time.

Erection.

But it made me realise... I'm in love.

OK, I mean, I don't really know what to...

I don't want to have sex with anyone else,

and that's never happened to me before.

I'm in love.

And I need to tell her.

Her? Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months.

And physically she just never satisfied me, she has these really massive,

bouncy tits that really don't do anything for me.

And you just kept turning up like this sexy...

...plank.

And it confused me.

I just don't think I should be fucking around behind her back any more.

I just thought I should say that I am

sorry if I have

led you on.

No.

God, no, my ex is due back any day now anyway, so,

it's...

I'm happy for you.

I... I knew you wouldn't give a shit.

What can I say?

I'm sorry, I don't give a shit.

Cool.

Never wear padding, OK?

Claire, where are you?

I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises.

I don't know anyone. And, so...

Harry?

Harry?

- Hi. - Hi.

What did she do to you?

We just, you know, covered me in plaster and

left me in the garden for a couple of hours.