Paradise PD

Amen! Oh, thank you, Agnes, for that beautiful singing.

And thank you all for being so generous

during our special collection for our local police.

Big ol' plate of money. So that's why you drug me in here.

What are you talking about? I love Jesus!

He's the big red one with the horns, right?

- - Brothers and sisters,

Jesus came to me in a vision last night.

Amen, brother!

He told me the most evil threat to our way of life was not argyle meth!

And not the fact

that Paradise holds the record for per capita child molesters.

The greatest threat of all is the role-playing board game

Dungeons & Dragons!

God said that this satanic ritual could open a portal to hell,

releasing Satan himself.

And kids have even been playing Dungeons & Dragons

right here in Paradise!

- -

And I know this to be true because my own son was tricked into playing,

and just one game turned him gay!

Can I get a virgin mango daiquiri?

- -

I say Paradise PD doesn't deserve a penny

until they wipe out the Dungeons & Dragons satanic cult!

Amen!

Oh, God damn it, Bullet. We needed that money.

- Bullet? - I knew I was coming to God's house,

but I didn't expect to meet an angel.

Sorry, I just gave myself a douche chill.

I'm here every Sunday. My daddy's the preacher.

Oh! So you're like me. You have to be here,

but you don't actually believe in this idiotic bullshit.

Of course I believe in God! I'm a Christian.

And... you passed my test! Nice to meet you.

I'm Bullet. Christian. Big, huge fucking Christian.

Awesome! It is so hard to find any nice Christian men in this town.

Oh, I'd love to go on a date with you!

He has risen.

Time to go, Chassidy. Father Garland has volunteered

- to whip your brother straight again. -

- -

- -

- -

Listen up! From now on,

this department's goal is busting

every single Dungeons & Dragons nerd in town.

Aw, yeah! Time to break in my nerd-knocker!

- - Hey, Dusty.

You ever go ass-to-ass with a nerd-knocker?

- - Hello, HR?

Yeah, she asked me to go A-S-S to A-S-S again.

What do you mean, I should just do it? Gina, is that you?

Dusty, did I forget to mention I'm the new head of HR?

Is D&D actually illegal?

Plus, we've got a lot of unsolved murders.

"Blah, blah, murders, blah, blah." Without that money from the church,

we can't afford enough expired bologna to feed our inmates.

Dusty, pick one of them scumbags in the jail and release him.

Chief, how am I gonna decide which one I should let go?

Just pick one! I don't give a rotten rat queef how you do it.

I want the rest of you out there arresting every single zit-faced,

half-working, pillow-fucking paladin in town.

Gina, you ride with me. Kevin, you ride with Fitz.

I'm stuck with Kevin again? Why don't you take him?

He seems desperate for a little father-son time.

"I loved spending the day with you.

Why don't we catch a movie?"

I'd love to, Dad, but my girlfriend's coming over.

I don't want to ride with Kevin.

I can't take another awkward conversation. I got nothing in common with that kid.

Didn't I catch you in the evidence room banging a watermelon?

What? Ew, no! That was a honeydew. I do have standards.

Well, I'm not riding with either one of you melon-ballers.

Okay, fine! Gina, you're with Fitz. Kevin, you ride with me.

Why don't I ever get an assignment? I wanna be able to shoot criminals again.

Hopson, that's a banana.

Oh, I can't do anything right.

I'm gonna end it all.

Goodbye, assholes!

Click, click.

Oh, shit. This damn banana ain't even loaded.

So, uh, did you... did you get your big-boy hair yet?

Why don't we just talk about the case?

Wow! Great idea.

So, do you really think D&D is some sort of satanic ritual?

Of course not! It's a stupid nerd game. I'm just doing this for the church money.

Yo, Preacher Paul! What's up, my Pentecostal pal?

My formerly straight-turned-gay, now straight-again son

just confessed that there's a D&D game going on right now

down at the comic book store.

Oh, don't worry, Preacher. I'm gonna march down there

and bust their little virgin asses wide open!

Uh, you're on speakerphone, Chief, and you just turned my son gay again.

He has risen!

This twenty-sided die is still warm.

The chairs are still ripe with Funyun farts.

Gina, what'd you get out of the owner of this zit hole?

He's not talking, and I hit him till he pissed himself.

Yeah, that's what it is.

- I know how to get him to talk. - What're you doing?

That's Mediocre Comics number three. First appearance of the Human Kumquat.

No, don't hurt her!

It'd be a shame if this went from near mint to very fine.

No!

You monster!

All I know is that the leader of the D&D clan

calls himself Merkin the Mage.

They probably went to finish their game in the tree house across town.

But that's all I'll tell you,

unless she hits me with that stick until I "pee" again.

We're too late again.

How do we keep just missing these weirdos?

Even their pizza's frickin' weird. Just bread and sauce, no cheese!

Are you telling me

that milk can take down these geeks, but we can't?

Just checking to see if you needed any more info that I won't divulge,

unless you put on this Princess Leia slave outfit,

and beat it out of me with this Tusken Raider gaffi stick.

Fine, but it'll cost you 100 bucks.

I'm in!

Now, Chief said I gotta pick one of y'all to let go,

and I can only think of one fair way to do it.

I'm Officer Dusty, and welcome to Felony Feud!

Now, the felon with the most points at the end of the game

will win his freedom!

We asked 100 inmates:

What's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of jail?

I'm gonna stab you in your fat fucking neck.

Show me, "Stab me in my fat fucking neck!"

Survey says...

- Ding! You're on the board, Tuco. - This show sucks!

Steve Harvey's really going to shit!

That was an awesome first date, right?

Yeah, I never knew two hours of Bible study could get me so hard.

Bullet!

I like you a lot, but we cannot do that.

We're Christians!

Really? Huh. What can we do? Hand jobs are cool, right?

Uh, no. I'm pretty sure the Bible says that's a sin.

We have to do exactly what the Bible says.

Can I see that? Excuse me, I have to take a shit.

[farting and straining playing on recording]

Wow, I never realized that the tenth commandment was:

"Thou shall not covet, and hand jobs are cool by me."

Seems to me you've gotta try to be a better Christian.

I can't believe we've been outsmarted by a bunch of D&D dorks.

This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.

And earlier today, I walked in on you balls-deep in a watermelon.

It was a honeydew! I'm not a pervert!

- Speaking of pervs, where's Kevin? - I didn't invite Kevin.

I tried the big boy-hair-down-there speech,

and after that, I'm out of stuff to talk about.

Well, since we've been wasting our time on this D&D case, there's been ten...

- -

...eleven murders. Maybe we can focus on those.

Nah, I'm too sad.

I need you to deliver another one of these cheese-free pizzas.

Kid on the phone said his name was "Quohan Dragonsbane,"

and his "constitution for cheese" is only a level two.

What the hell does that even mean?

Merkin the Mage rolls a 20!

Critical hit!

Ha-ha! His level-four Arcane Bolt rips into the osteomancer's decaying flesh,

sending the rotting beast back to hell

from whence it came.

- Yeah! - Yay!

Merkin's incredible. He rolls 20s 82% of the time,

and I heard he almost touched a girl's bra strap once.

Did somebody order a cheese-free pizza?

That's awesome.

Cheese makes my bowel alignment turn from neutral good to chaotic evil.

I don't deliver cheese-free pizza!

I deliver cheese-free justice, motherfuckers!

Nerds! Ha!

And you must be Merkin the...

Kevin!

I've found four more. What do you want to do with them?

I wanna show these geeks

what a level-eight Lightning Bolt feels like!

Sufferin' succotash!

I gotta say it, Kevin. You dicked me. You dicked your daddy raw.

I can't believe you were one of those D&D nerds the whole time.

And then you double-dickey-donged me by tipping off your little friends.

What's gonna happen to them?

Ah, Preacher Paul will give them a slap on their limp wrists and send them home.

No one can ever know that you were involved in this, Kevin.

No more D&D. Ever!

That's not fair! D&D is the only thing that's made me happy

since you and Mom split up.

Plus, I'm really good.