Napoleon Dynamite

Jeez!

Dang!

This is my favorite gas station to shop at.

Where else can you buy a wiper blade and off brand energy drink?

Grandma, will you buy me this tiny rolled up horoscope?

Stop asking her to buy you stuff, you're like 17 freaking years old!

Grandma, will you buy me this lighter

that's shaped like dice and says "High Roller?"

Will you two shut up?

I'm trying to order dinner.

How many hours has this chicken been under this heat lamp?

Depends. How many hours is in three days?

Hmm. That piece looks good.

Kip! Quit hogging all the good breast meat!

Napoleon, I already called this baby.

Uncle Rico, tell Kip to quit eating

all the gas station chicken.

Napoleon, you made me lose my spot again.

Now I gotta start all over.

"Brian was a quarterback, but he was also a detective."

Man, I'm so confused.

You better not eat that breast, Kip.

Try and stop me, Napoleon.

You do you die.

What? You do you die.

I'm sick of you always taking my stuff, Kip!

Name three times in chronological order.

Okay.

Wah!

Here's my list.

You look tired, Santa. Take a break.

Thanks! Wait, Santa!

Scram! Santa will be back next year.

Whoa....

Fine, then. You can have my skin.

Think fast. My eyes!

Dang it. The grease... it kills!

Oh, man! The diamonds are in the football!

I did not see that coming!

Hold still, Kip!

Grandma, are you sure these abs are waterproof?

Misty and I might go hot-tubbing.

Kip, you only talk to this girl on the computer.

It could just be that neighbor boy pranking you again.

Oh, yeah?

Read this saucy excerpt from our last chat.

"I have to come into town for dog food anyway,

so I guess I'll meet you."

Tell me that's not real.

What?

Holy crap!

What happened to your forehead?

Kip hucked some chicken skin at me,

and it gave me a butt load of zits.

He's always disrespecting me

'cause he's jealous of my sweet body!

Napoleon, your face is making me sick.

Go into the bathroom and pop those things.

I already tried. They're not ready yet.

See?

You're not doing it right.

Get over here.

Jeez!

Ow, ow! Stop! Hold still.

It kills! Dang it! Hold still!

Well, the roots are too deep.

They're digging into the skull.

I told you they weren't ready.

Try stabbing it with a blade.

Good idea, Kipper.

You guys are idiots!

I don't know, Napoleon.

Looks to me like you got some kind of

egg-sack lodged in there.

Maybe hobo spiders.

Really?

Hey, this ought to take care of your chicken zits.

Rack-U-Tane?

Actually, that's the last tube I'm legally allowed to sell.

Did you hear that, Napoleon?

It's our lucky day!

It's been banned by the FDA, the DEA, and the WNBA.

Is it safe?

Quit bothering the pharmacist.

He probably has student loans to worry about.

Between you and me, I didn't even go to college.

Right on!

"Warning. Physical side effects include:

"bad breath, B.O., lust,

"increased pain threshold,

and fits of unbridled rage." Yeah, right.

Sorry I'm late.

Good gracious!

What's wrong with your forehead? It's on fire!

I'm okay. It's just the Rack-U-Tane

trying to eat all the bacteria.

It smells like a burnt lasagna.

But I don't even feel anything.

Hello, Napoleon.

Hey, Pedro.

What's happening to me?

Hey Pedro, could you pour

some of your Turbo Slush on my zits?

I think the caffeine might kill some of the germs.

No problem.

I think it's working. Your zits are like...

drinking the juice. Thanks.

Never mind.

Does it hurt? Not really.

I'm just having, like, all these strange desires right now.

Really? What kind of desires?

Well, like, I really want to get married

and go on a honeymoon right now...

But I mainly just feel like crushing people's lives.

Sounds like lust and unbridled rage.

Sweet! My rage has never been unbridled.

I've always hated that sink.

Now Kip,

if this girl turns out to be a kidnapper,

do you remember the address song?

You still got it.

Excuse me, did you just sing your name was Kipland Dynamite?

In the flesh. And I can tell by your sack of dog treats

that you must be Misty.

Yeah. Um, I have to go.

Wait!

Are your abs getting hot? Mine sure are.

Ooh. Kip is ripped.

Hey, Deb, did I ever tell you how big of a babe you are?

I just want you to know that if my girlfriend in Oklahoma

ever dies, I'd totally marry you.

Uh... Are you okay, Napoleon?

Yes, I'm fine.

Can I kiss the top of your hand for a dollar?

His zit cream is making him loco.

Today, we're going to play a game

that our pioneer ancestors developed

when they crossed the plains.

It's called "Smear the Deer."

Yes!

Napoleon, would you be a deer and put these antlers on?

Okay.

The rest of you are hungry pioneer children.

When I blow my whistle,

you'll do everything in your power to incapacitate the deer

using only your bare hands and pioneer reflexes.

Are there any questions?

Can Pedro be my sentinel?

No, he can't.

You are just a rogue deer with no allies.

Ah, dang it. Okay.

Is everybody ready?

Good gravy!

Holy crap!

Gotcha! Looks like I'm gonna smear the deer!

Not today, Don!

Whoa, ah, ow, oh!

What the heck?!

You don't hold a tuba like that.

You aim it skyward.

Ah...!

Napoleon, in my office! Now!

No. Why don't you go to my office?

You don't have an office.

Fine! We'll use yours!

Napoleon, I cannot believe what I witnessed

from you out on the field today.

- Sorry... - I've never seen anything like it.

Have you ever heard of the PPC?

The Preston Pediatric Coalition?

Of course!

They paid for my brother's polio shoes.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about the original The Pioneer Punch Club.

The Pioneer Punch Club? What's that?

It's a secret underground fight circuit

that dates back to pioneer times.

You see, before the West was won...

local farm boys were constantly having to defend themselves

against grizz, river trash, and pageant carnies.

They began to test their combat skills every Tuesday night.

But twenty years ago, the PPC was officially banned

by the Idaho State Legislature.

So now the fights are held on Wednesday nights instead.

So you want me to go back in time 20 years

and kill the Idaho State Legislature?

What? No!

Napoleon, I'm convinced that you could become

the next PPC champion. Really?

I'm willing to bet my entire salary as a gym coach.

That's like $6,000! I wish.

I've seen them 137 times

and they've never played a bad show.

Yeah!

Thank you!

We're gonna take a break.

Oh. Animals are amazing.

I'll burn you some of their CDs

if you can loan me some blanks.

You would do that for me?