No Offence

~ That's not my memory. ~ What? I was the only one whose glass she didn't top up.

~ I kept your glass topped up. ~ Yeah, and she watched you having to.

~ Yet you carried on flirting with her. ~ Flirting?! Behave!

She loves it! It's like a hobby for her.

~ So you were? ~ Were you talking to me?

Er, no, because I was listening to the other five cabbages talking shit,

with an empty glass, on the only night I've had off in weeks!

Yeah, and five times in the last month I've invited you round to mine,

or me to yours, and five times it's, "Can't, Bob", "Oh, no, Bob", "Won't, Bob."

What's that about, eh?

Ah, pull up! Next junction.

Where we off?

I'm going home.

People who want to be liked this much are the ones fucking off, Bob.

Seriously.

I'd rather have a wank.

I can radio you another driver, mate.

Let him use his own minutes! Go on! Break the bank, Bob.

~ Drive. ~ Grow up!

You see Lurch? Get me as close to him as you can without drawing attention.

Being honest, I don't want dragging into fuzzy stuff.

Being honest, he's wanted for attempted murder,

stabbing of that Asian kid down Fallowfield.

That's Mervin Manley, we've a warrant out for his arrest.

~ We getting him, or what? ~ I know what I'm doing.

Look after my stuff - and turn the meter off, yeah?

Hiya.

~ Here you are, give us that. ~ Oh, Cheers. Is she in yet?

~ Yeah. I'll take this round the back to the kitchen. ~ Oh, and these!

~ And what are you carrying? ~ You, usually!

Hush, hush, eye to eye

You're too shy, shy...

~ See whose funeral this got played at! ~ Dinah, whose funeral was that for?

~ Looks like recruitment for a gay fuzz federation. ~ Mervin Manley.

~ Manley's dead? ~ He's dead! ~ How? ~ How! Yes!

Ten points for the bright bird down the back, thanks for asking,

since no-one else has. Just like this, boom!

Oh, go finger yourself!

He went straight under a stag do bus, his head came back in bottles.

How long had we been after him? How long?

Dinah, Dinah, can I have your opinion on this woman in reception?

Oh, Connie, I'm not your woman for early bird crackheads.

I could have offered this to anybody. She's got really

credible-sounding information about an armed robbery.

~ Would you like the Air Miles or not? ~ Yeah. Yeah.

I saw him on the telly, clear as a bell.

I live pause, poked it back a bit, and there he was, freeze-frame.

Him to a T! Couldn't not be him. To a T!

Mrs Patterson, this is a kid you'd recognise from locally or...?

Mitchell! Mitchell, my grandson! Clearer than a bell.

Er, have you any idea of Mitchell's whereabouts right now?

Yeah, he's at home watching Downton with his Frosties

till his drive for Scarborough. So I'd get your skates on.

Sorry, excuse me, madam. Just give me two seconds, please.

Boss wants a word. I'll shuffle this one through.

'Ey! It's not a dental appointment, I'm reporting a serious crime here.

~ Word about what? ~ She didn't look cute.

~ Joy? ~ Di, I can't face it.

This is what I most hate myself for,

~ being spakky at taking it on the chin with bad news! ~ Bad news? What?

Deering's called me into her office.

Oh, Christ! I've just gone and used a tampon!

~ Wow. ~ I'm not even on! ~ Joy, calm down!

She's called me in an' all.

Why?

You're both through to the shortlist for sergeant. Congratulations!

From nine opening candidates, that's an unexpectedly

big badge in my favour!

Big day. Very big day.

~ Er, how many on the shortlist? ~ Two. But seriously! Cheers, girls.

The odds on that return were... 148,000 to one.

So you know what?

Fuck Maclaren.

Fuck Mcgoogles. They couldn't find a clit without a search engine.

~ Hey, hey, hey! Detective Constable Freers? ~ Inspector Deering...

I would like to formally withdraw my application for the

position of sergeant on the grounds...

Dinah's going to walk it, we all know that.

Prospective Sergeant Joy Freers, pipe down this minute

or I will deselect you personally and permanently! What have I just said?

Two top-notch officers, under my wing, beat seven gormless

prostates from all over the posh shop! You think you cheated the odds?

Getting this far? News for you, Lady Fuzz, we all did.

That understood?

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

If ever she needed a couple of your mum's doo-dahs, it's now, eh?

~ I think she's had a pair already. ~ No, Dinah.

Don't get used to that smile.

Well done getting this far.

But it's you that will be withdrawing.

Secure the blinds and come and sit here.

Nobody is relishing this.

That coach is one of your Gina's graduation pieces, which I know

cos she offered to make me one for silly money.

Otherwise, with the clarity of the footage, you could have been anybody.

But you're not, are you, Dinah?

You withdraw on domestic grounds.

Fine.

Sorry I walked away, but I'd been drinking.

~ Yeah, on the one night I'm allowed to. ~ You ran a man under a bus.

~ I did not, he tripped. ~ You fled.

Walking away, I know, isn't doing nothing wrong.

~ He was wanted for attempted murder! ~ Amongst five others.

Yeah, but the only one without an alibi.

Do it in longhand.

In the style of a personal letter to me.

Use "Viv", not Inspector.

Er, ma'am, there's, um,

an urgent police matter that requires your attention.

~ They're ready for me, Spike? ~ Indeed they are, ma'am.

What took 'em?

Uh... Oh! I'll have to go via the loos,

I've used the sprays the wrong way round.

~ Dinah. Coming? ~ Yeah.

I hadn't a clue, I swear! This time, I hadn't a clue.

We're off down to Bailey Street mortuary,

someone just in it you would not believe!

Now, Dinah, love, your jack plug's hanging, darling.

Right, stick your thingies on, lads. Disco for this one, I think.

So, a little Chinese lady, yeah, accident on the M56, yeah.

Dogs were unsecured on the back seat, but she, yeah,

she's opened a bag of Maltesers. Her little Jack Russell,

he jumps up front for some of that and boom!

Little Chinese lady, she goes smack into the back

of another vehicle - ambulance, as it happens.

So, our 55-year-old Miss Saigon...

That's Vietnam.

.. y-yeah, ends up with the entire head,

the en-tire hee-ad, of the dog, slammed right down her little face.

~ You're taking me to see that? ~ I knew it would cheer us both up.

According to his pedigree stud records,

the dog's more or less paid for her house. And, er...

'Ey, Bernard, darling, I know I said I'd let you take the punchline

on this, but Dinah here, she means a lot to me,

she's just been shat on, comically, so do you mind?

According to her medical records, she's got a history of gastric

infections invoked by the ingestion of...

dog semen.

So did Jackie Russell push or was he jumped?

One for me.

The left clavicle is crushed to a paste...

Noah.

What?

~ Ooh, what about it? ~ Well, she needs moving up the queue.

There's another Down's girl missing, I...

I saw a MISPER report on Deering's desk.

Lads, you need to get me back to base.

~ Oh, my God. ~ You got the job!

~ Oh, my God. ~ It's you.

I know!

~ Sarge! ~ Connie?

There was a Down's Syndrome girl reported

missing on Wednesday, Jocelyn Wade.

Yeah, they found her messing with the chocolate fountain in Thornton's.

In her dreams, Dinah thinks we've just seen her on a slab.

~ Oh, no! ~ And this morning, when I was in here with the Inspector,

there was a weird little flyer for a Missing Persons.

Yeah, the other Down's girl.

Where's the report?

There wasn't a report. When they opened reception

first thing, that flyer was just stapled to the front door.

It must've been put there last night, because it's not rained since.

Yeah, I can get the lads to grade the image,

but I think we'll struggle with these last couple of digits.

Jocelyn drowned.

Just like Lucy Cooke in March. I need that file, too, Connie.

Thanks.

~ You? ~ I know!

You?

Joy.

This is between you and me, till we know what we're talking about.

You've just got a new boss and you've absolutely nothing

~ to say about my promotion? ~ Yeah.

You'll wish you weren't so high up if this turns out to be our fault.

Right, a girl disappeared about six months ago, Lisa Cooke.

Where did we find the body?

Er, the Down's Syndrome girl, accidental drowning.

~ No, but where did the body show up? ~ River Irwell, south bank.

Fallen into the river with a broken tibula, fibula,

explained why she never made it back to the bank.

Why?

What if it wasn't accidental?

Who else worked the case?

Nan. My nan? What's she on about, the barmy old bint?

Course, we know what he's going to say.

He's going to say he was at my party.

I was at her birthday party!

Oh, yeah, baby? No.

I've checked, they've checked, we've all checked the party video

and he's the only person not in it.

Oh, sorry.

Ask her who paid for the party. Ask who paid for the presents,

because none of the others could be arsed.

And then ask the vicious old bitch who shot the video. Me!

Nobody was coming till I said I'd cover the bar!

How was Jocelyn Wade not filed as high priority?

Her parents reported her missing on Wednesday. You two brought her in.

She WAS high priority.

Yeah, Joy, you were the reporting officer.

No, erm, h-her parents called it off because...