Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life

When you graduate from college,

you feel prepared to take on the world.

Good luck. Not gonna need it.

But the truth is, no one has ever bothered

to properly prepare anyone for this next decade of your life.

Until now.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

I'm 26 years old, I'm being held hostage,

and there are some things I think you should know.

Is it me, or is it a little warm in here?

: Okay. It's gonna take

a lot more than that to break me.

What do you guys want to know?

Hey.

Hey, don't worry, Mr. Chicken.

We'll get out of this alive.

This lesson starts the day after my college graduation.

Barry! Come on.

The thing is, dude, I've been crunching some numbers,

and based on my looks, salary and personality deficiencies,

there's an 87% chance my wife will have a mustache.

Well, she'll be the luckiest, hairiest woman in the world.

Every group of friends has what I like to call

a "Lovable Jackass."

I love that song!

Brand-new. It's the dude from Gnarls Barkley.

What happened to the towel?

Hi, guys.

Hey. Hi. I'm Kelly.

Cooper. Hi.

The guy learning to use a door is Neal.

Hey. How's it going?

Who's the, uh, wet, naked guy?

Uh...

Barry.

Barry. Right. Okay.

Okay. Well, welcome to the building.

Thanks.

You make the creepiest first impression.

Have I ever told you that before?

Wrap it up!

: Josh!

Happy housewarming, baby brother.

Yeah!

What?!

Who's humping me?

That's Virgil... he manages the building.

Ah. Ooh, ooh, ooh...

Rent is due on the third.

Smart TV?

Are you telling me I can watch 64-inch,

high-definition Internet pornography?

Yeah, or Star Wars.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, God, so tight!

Your grasp is so tight! Thank you so much.

Thanks, Josh. Thanks, brother.

No need to thank me, because you are about to give me back

the decade of my life that I never got a chance to live.

Let me paint you a picture.

I started at my law firm at 22.

I got married at 23 to a woman... your sister-in-law...

whom I love dearly.

But she's a fun-sucker.

She sucks fun.

Well, hey, man, our home is your home.

Fantastic. What do you say

we get a little crazy tonight and...

Have a housewarming party.

I was gonna say a nice cheese plate

and a Guitar Hero marathon, but your idea does sound better.

Yeah, housewarming party's a cool idea,

but we should probably, like, check the lease.

Okay, yeah, gentlemen, yeah. That's a good point.

What kind of guys do we want to be

for the next ten years of our lives, huh?

The kind of guys who check leases

or the guys who throw parties the guys checking leases

can't attend 'cause they're home checking leases?

Can you repeat those choices?

So let's start this decade off right

by throwing a knockdown, blowout,

"I can't feel the left side of my face" housewarming party!

What do you say?

And look how black the blacks are.

Are you talking about the picture quality

or the, uh, black people?

Okay, Jeff, that's racial.

Don't touch it!

So you guys just moved in? Yep, you know,

signed a check for first, last and security.

It's no big deal. I got a full-time job, so...

I'm just looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with

and take my virginity!

Look no further.

Be gentle, ah!

Maybe later?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

This party is total sausage fest!

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, crap.

The woman... you, you, the blonde!

Not you, the blonde in hot top.

Yeah, come on.

Nice to see you again.

You're in a dryer.

I'm hiding from my boyfriend.

Things were going great with us at first.

And now, every time he speaks,

I just want to bunch up his face with my hands.

I'm gonna force him to break up with me

by doing a lot of little things that really bother him,

like saying the word "tampon" a lot.

"Tampon, yeast infection"... either one.

You're a little complicated.

It's okay. I'm complicated, too.

I mean, I just graduated,

and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Right, because you're not ready to be a man.

Did my dad put you up to this?

I'm saying, guys like you,

who are still figuring things out are exhausting.

Okay? You're the reason why I only date men in their 30s.

Oh, that's interesting.

'Cause, um, I think you date

men in their 30s 'cause you're one of those

college athlete girls who likes to win at everything.

So you date dudes that look good on paper,

but you wind up hiding in a dryer

'cause you're bored to death by him.

Okay, now I want to bunch up your face.

I thought we were just saying stuff about each other.

There you are.

Tampon.

Watch this, watch this.

You just pull the bird back, right?

And then you let it go,

and you shoot the pig out of the sky.

Wow, thanks, Grandpa.

Least favorite person.

You're my least favorite person in this whole party.

Oh.

Uh, hi, yeah.

Uh, h-hey.

Hey, babe.

I thought you were just going over to say hi.

I was, I was, but the, uh...

the guys made me stay and help them unpack.

Well, hurry home, and don't forget

we're gonna have a baby!

How could I forget?

'Cause you won't let me.

It's the most important thing in my life.

Oh, I love you.

Love you, love you.

You know, I was just thinking about...

Hello?

Hello?

BARRY (whispering): They about to steal the TV.

Oh, hell no!

Not happening, fellas! Not...

Let's stop here, because this is important.

Mmm, this is delicious.

Thank you so much.

Nobody put Barry in charge of the TV.

That's just something he made up in his head.

But who cares, right?

What's the harm?

I'm tied to a chair.

Happening! They taking the TV!

There are, like, 500 people at this party.

How the hell are they gonna take the TV?

Are you kidding me?

That dude in Despicable Me stole the whole moon.

Anybody have the energy to field that?

Bro, you need to relax, okay?

Calm down. You're at a party, right?

Yeah, damn right we're here to party.

You guys really want to party?

That's my phone. That's my phone.

Where is it?

There we go.

Hello?

There she is.