Man Like Mobeen

First, I'm going to cut you.

Then, I'm going to burn you.

Reebar, can you stop bringing

the drama all the time, please?

Forget burning my ear hair,

just finish my fade, please.

Thank you brother.

Yes, yes Mobeen, yes.

You know, you and your blades?

You're worse than the kids cheffing

each other 'round here all the time.

- You sure that I'm not making some.

Michelin star food now or something?

- Cheffing means stabbing each other, innit?

To be honest with you,

I think most of the kids in the Small Heath,

they are lunatic weirdos anyway.

Um, excuse me Reebar,

not every kid in Small Heath is a lunatic or a weirdo.

Woo!

What's happenin', my people?

Oh.

Woo!

It looks lit in here!

Some of them are both.

Some like Ridwan.

So Aqsa, are you going to prom

on Thursday for a little floss thing, yeah?

No she's not!

The only thing gettin' flossed on Thursday,

is gonna be you between my teeth, lookaman, all right?

- I wish Mobeen was my big brother.

No you don't, mate.

- Get out of this bloody shithole now.

This is gonna stop!

Hey, what's happenin' here?

This keeps talking

the bullshit about me on Instagram.

- I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Oh, really?

Then who posted this picture of me with the caption,

"Come down to Emre's if you want

fungus shite infection in your asshole."

Heh?

Fungus shite...

infection in the asshole?

Why are people gettin' fungus shite

infections in their assholes at your barber's anyway?

Unless of course you're wet shavin' people's assholes?

No I am bloody well not.

Well, I heard that you do.

I am not doing this!

But people believe it's true!

Like you right now, Mobeen.

Nah, I don't believe it.

I don't believe it's true, no.

I don't. - Look, this started

because you said you was the number one

skin fader in the whole of Small Heath.

Yeah, that's true,

I'm the best barber in Small Heath!

Fuck you,

I am the number one barber in the Small Heath.

- No I am the number one in the whole!

I am number one!

You come after me!

- I am the number one in the whole wide world!

The whole wide world,

what the hell does that mean?

I am the best skin fader! - I am the best!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

- Get outside. - Let's go.

Come!

- Hajde! - Hajde, come!

- Number one. - I'm the best skin fader

in the Heath! - I am the number one!

- The whole of England. - I am the number one.

- Bloody hell, could somebody just finish my haircut please?

Don't you ever disrespect me

in front of my customers again,

you hear me?

- Shut up! - You shut up!

I said first.

You shut up!

- Satkin. - I said first!

- I said first! - Satkin.

You didn't say it!

Sakin.

My brothers, hey.

You men are brothers of the same hustle.

You shouldn't be fightin' on this.

Put these blades down.

Okay.

Okay now, Mr. Mobeen.

Who do you think does the best

skin fade in Small Heath, heh?

Honestly?

Uh huh, hajde.

- Probably Abdee's Blade Effects down the road, I would say.

Probably.

- Abdee's? - Us!

Listen here, I only came here

because he's being banged up for VAT fraud,

on important funny hair wax from Mogadishu.

You heard about that, innit?

Listen to me, look at me.

Lads.

You know what the real travesty here is?

That the inmates at HMPO gonna get such high quality fades,

and I'm out here stuck with you two.

So...

But, Abdee's?

Saddam Hussein's barber's is better than Abdee's!

Yeah, that's true.

Shame on you!

Anyway, you post one more picture about me...

And I'll skin fade your bloody face Reebar, okay?

- And I will shave your mother's pussy!

- Oh! - Yes!

Yo, slice him up nicely, Emre.

Get back in the shop young man.

Ain't nobody gettin' sliced out here,

this not a butcher's.

- Calmly. - Everybody!

Shut the fuck up and put ya hands in the air!

Come on then. - Hey, whoa whoa whoa, hey!

Calm down.

Syeda, is that you?

Oh my gosh, you and your brother joined the Feds?

But your mum's well proud of you, isn't she?

That's it, all right.

- Her mum's not really talkin' to her at the minute.

Harps, where is Satch?

You give him the day off from brown-on-brown racism, yeah?

He's been suspended.

Discharged his firearm without reasonable grounds.

He shot a man, Sutton Dobyellis.

- You know that fella, Sutton Dobyellis,

he wasn't brown by any chance, was he?

He was, yeah.

Knew it, knew it.

What's goin' on here, boys?

- They were clearly holdin' weapons,

fully weaponized!

As I think you'll find, Syeda,

they are simply carryin' the tools of their trade.

You're a tool of your trade.

That's a good distance.

Yes, they're carryin' blades,

because they're barbers.

If they were bakers they'd be carryin' baguettes,

and if they were excitable brown policewomen,

they'd be carryin' a massive bag of hate for their

own people. - Right, that's it,

you're nicked.

I'm nicked, what for?

You're a dickhead, that's why.

- You can't nick him for that, all right?

Nick these two instead.

Huh?

All right, you two, come here.

- Nah, nah, nah, Harps. - Come here, for what?

- Against the glass. - What have we done?

- Against the glass. - I'm innocent, man.

You know what,

fantastic bit of community policin' again, Harper.

- There's a 12-year-old in intensive care.

He's stabbed by one of his own classmates,

so there's zero tolerance on knives.

- But who's gonna run their shops,

they're barbers.

We're just barbers, man.

You know what, Mobeen?

You wanna do something productive?

Spend a little less time worryin' about your hair,

and a bit more time worryin' about

why the kids in this area keep shanking each other.

Come on.

Don't forget to shut the shop.

Mobeen, you are.

Ah, you the man, Mobeen.

- You idiot. - You got a patch

on your head.

You got a patch on your head!

Haha.

Take your big ass feet home.

Why your feet so big?

Whoa, little man.

What are you doing?

- You got all the barbers locked up, Mobeen.

- No one can't even get a fade anymore.

My girl dumped me because of you.

I'm sorry boys.

Come here, come here.

Come here, come here.

Come here a sec.

I'm sorry, yeah?

But I'm pretty sure your girl dumped you

'cause she finally noticed your face.