The Life & Times of Tim

- This-- this can't be good. - Nope.

- Here we are again. - We're getting fired again.

Oh man, this stinks.

All right, everyone, thank you for coming.

I'm sorry it's gonna be under such--

such dark circumstances.

Oh dear.

I know the holidays are coming,

but does anybody want to come to my birthday party?!

- What? - It's just a big ruse.

- I'm having a big party! - Oh.

Who wants to come to my party?

The meanest way to invite people to a party I've ever seen.

What have we got? We've got Amenco dancers...

- Ooh. - ...A wild west rodeo show with union actors.

- In the house? - In the hiz-ouse.

- Nice. - Ice sculpture of me

spouting vodka from no fewer than three mystery orifices.

Wow.

Plumbing alone on that's gonna be impressive.

I can send an eVite if you want to invite--

No no! Just-- just the 10 of us.

- Okay. - That's it.

All right. Sorry.

Awkward way to end the invite.

Would not have guessed those three orifices.

- Mm-hmm. - It's pretty spectacular.

Um-pss um-pss um-pss um-pss.

It's impressive in its own way.

Um-pss um-pss um-pss. Who's partying, right?

- Nobody. - Nobody's partying here.

Clearly, because it was a ruse and there's no party.

So many ruses.

Why is there the ice sculpture if there's no party?

Well, the ice sculpture's always here.

They just kind of rechisel it every second morning.

- So why are we here, boss? - Well, ready for this?

You are all going to participate

in an extremely dangerous and highly illegal heist!

Whoo!

- That's not good news. - A heist?

It's going to be like "Ocean's Eleven."

- I'm Clooney. Tim, you're Pitt, right? - Really?

Stu, who do you want-- Scott Caan or Casey Affleck?

Elliott Gould. Elliott Gould.

You want Ellio-- you're in then. You're Elliott Gould, bro.

- Back up a second. - Go ahead.

Why is Tim Brad Pitt?

And why do you need to steal? You're rich.

A heist is about the thrill, and plus we're going to be stealing

something far more valuable than gold.

Silver?

- No, uh-- It's less.

- Yeah, 's a bit less, right? - Oh, magnesium?

- Oh my God. - That's a crazy second choice.

- Teak? - Teeth?

This could go on all night.

- Teak. - That's not-- teak is a wood.

We're gonna be stealing my most valued object in the world--

- Keith. - I should have seen that coming.

My whore of an ex-wife happened to take Keith in the settlement,

- and now she's giving him away to an adoptive family. - Really?

We're gonna take him back. And I need you to be

- my Pitt on this, bro. - Boss.

I need you to be my Pitt.

Boss, you didn't think this through, did you?

Listen, it's my old apartment,

so we're not doing anything illegal.

And I've gone the extra mile.

I've flown all the way from Encino, California,

Los Angeles screenwriter Ted Griffin,

the author of "Ocean's Eleven."

- Tell me you're joking. - Wow.

- Hey, guys. - I was just shitting,

but I got done just in time to enter.

Our timing is already impeccable.

Wow, that's so-- okay, well, um--

taking a shit? What's going on here?

Let's go meet at the surveillance van

right now, at 0800.

You mean 8:00 tomorrow morning?

No, I mean just right now.

You know what I mean. Why are you busting my balls?

Boss, we can't fit 11 people in this van.

Yeah, we absolutely can, because they did.

- It's a minivan. - Helen's butt is literally in my face.

- Oh. - I know, and it is filled with evil.

- Please. Excuse me. - Exactly.

Listen, everyone, I know it's a little unpleasant,

but we just-- we have to make this work.

It's my birthday, it's my favorite movie

and I want to get my dog back.

So can we just suck it up and do--

I don't remember this scene.

Oh no, there was-- this was exactly-- ask Ted.

It didn't happen this way in the movie.

There were only five guys in the van.

This scene took place in a mid-century modern living room

with a nice bar and a pool outside.

Let's do that. Let's do that.

Ted, how much am I paying you?

You're paying me $250,000 for the week, plus per diem.

Exactly, so we're gonna do this my way.

Interior, van!

Helen is literally blowing ass in my face. Come on!

- She is farting. She is farting. - Oh.

- Anyone in this area knows it. - Can't we do this outside the van?

Ted, can you do a quick punch-up with Helen farting?

Well, this actually goes in line with Bernie Mac.

All right, everybody get out of the van.

Hey, boss, do you know how long this is gonna take?

'Cause I'd like to really get home

and chop the old toenails.

Me too. I don't like dogs

or heists or farting.

This is like a terrible night for me.

Sorry, but party Marty's out of here too.

I see no potential for intercourse here tonight.

This is unbelievable. I've never been so betrayed.

It's like 11 fredos here.

Who else wants to leave? Put up your hand.

- Right here. - Oh, come on, this is Keith.

If you won't do it for him,

you know, do it for me.

Doesn't seem quite as sincere a plea, does it?

You know what, guys? Let's just do it.

- The guy hired us back. - See?

- We kind of owe him. - Let's do it, guys.

Who said that? I'm with that guy.

Fine, if we are in, what's the plan?

We gotta do this tonight , because she is

handing my pup over in the morning, okay?

Now listen, I'm the obvious suspect, so I can't be involved.

I've gotta be across town establishing my alibi.

So I'm going to be at the karaoke bar with Becky.

- Why? - Why her?

- Why me? - Well, we gotta help you--

a) We're gonna help you get over your fear of crowds

and singing and being roofied.

Oh. No, I don't think so.

- No no, it's all been-- - No, 'cause I'm gonna be in the van.

I'm gonna be making snappy banter.

- And I'll just be one of the guys and-- Actually, it can't--

- Becky, it has to be you. - It has to be you.

- Everybody has a talent and a task and a weakness. - Right.

And if it's not you, then I have to restructure everybody else.

So listen, we gotta get out of here.

Ted's gonna walk you through the plan.

- Just remember the most important thing. - What is it?

No food or drink in the van. It's a rental.

Let's go, Becky.

- Those are not inspiring parting words. - No. Ted, this--

First of all, I didn't-- I didn't write any of that-- that speech.

This heist does not seem well-planned.

He's paying you to do this?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.

You're the guy who wrote "Heist," right?

Oh, no, you're the guy who wrote "The Italian Job."

- I-- - Oh, wait a minute.

Now I know. You're the guy who wrote nothing.

I'm Ted Griffin, the writer of "Ocean's Eleven,"

so I know what the fuck I'm doing.

Wow, awkward heist.

I'm-- I'm sorry. This is-- I apologize.

I got off on the wrong foot. This is a heist. It's a caper.

It should be bouncy and buoyant and--

Let's just have a good time, can we?

- Okay. - Light-hearted.

All right, now imagine the greatest montage of your life.

Stan will steal the video feed

from the building's security cameras.

He'll also confront a lifelong fear of g for.

We can't access the elevator without a swipe key--

a C.R.M.114.

There's a custodial crew making the rounds at night,

and they've got one weakness--

beef stroganoff.

Oye, estamos limpiando esta noche.

Llamas a tu jefe si quieres, ¿ok?

Sí, tiene esta noche libre. Vete ahora, puto.

Once inside, you need only to charm the pooch,

which is also a euphemism,

but I mean it literally this time.

After you've taken possession of the dog,

you need only to rendezvous with your teammates

and make the final drop-off.

Then finally,

erase all traces of the crime.

What the fuck was that last part?

- Yeah, no one's killing anyone. - Okay, scratch that.

Some people won't do nude. Some people won't kill each other.

Ted, all due respect,

this plan is impossible for this group to pull off.

You guys need to trust me. Are you in or out?

I was kind of out until you said,

"Are you in or are you out?" And now I'm in.

- Now you're in? - Yeah.

That was very heistlike-- "Are you in or are you out?"

And I'm like, "I'm buying it, dude. I'm in."

All right, we're in. Hands in.