Ted Lasso

Hi, how you doing?

You new around here?

To planet Earth?

No, I'm 13.

But I'm also fairly certain this is my third life reincarnated.

Well, color me impressed

'cause my third lap around this big blue marble I was nothing but a horsefly.

-Oh, I've never seen a horse fly. -No?

Saw a horse pee once.

That was a lot.

Yeah. Noisy too.

To be honest, now that my lower back tattoo's completely gone,

I kinda miss it.

Here comes the biscuits train! Choo choo!

Sassy Smurf!

-Marlboro Man. -What?

Hey! Hey!

All right! How about that? Yeah.

-Here you go, boss. -Thank you.

Hey, who's the new receptionist?

That's Nora, my daughter.

Okay. Wait…

Is she mine?

Ted, we had sex like six months ago.

Right, right. Sorry. Yeah, bad math.

And if memory serves, you finished on my--

Hey! Yeah.

No reason to get into the science of it all

in front of the boss here, you know.

So… anyhoo…

What's the hap, Sass? What brings your fun buns in town?

I'm speaking at a conference in Brighton. So Nora is staying with Stinky here.

Yes, and I am going to make good

on every single one of her wishes from the last six years.

Just make sure one of those wishes

is a spare tampon then, Miss Fairy Godmother.

That girl is an errant cobblestone away from her first period.

Well, bibbidi-bobbidi-booyah. You know.

Always good to see ya, Sass. Straight shooter.

Okay, I'll let you ladies get back to it. All right? TTFN. Yeah?

Hey, you know what?

What do you say we do what the man says and make today our masterpiece, yeah?

Okay.

-Did he talk like that when-- -The whole time and so eager to please.

It was fabulous.

-Ted! -Coach!

All right, Lloyd, why don't you go all Pat Benatar on me, yeah?

And hit you with my best shot?

-Fire away. -Yes!

So, you've got Coventry City this weekend, where you're heavily favored.

You think this'll end your team's embarrassing streak of draws?

Oh, Lloyd, I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers.

It's all part of growing up. Yeah?

All right, who else?

Yes, sir.

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Hi, Trent. Make like Dunst and Union and bring it on, baby.

Ted, you're known for creating a great environment in the locker room,

but do you think the return of the prodigal son, Jamie Tartt,

will impact that so-called "vibe"?

Well, I don't think so, Trent.

Yeah. I believe that Jamie's on a path to becoming a better man

and I'm just here to help him along that journey.

You know, think of me as his own personal Mr. Miyagi.

Except without all that extra yard work. Yeah.

-Knock knock! -Hey!

Sam, I think I have something you might wanna see.

Okay?

You wanna look at your photos from the Dubai Air shoot?

Yes, please.

Oh, God. I'm very nervous. But also very excited.

That's similar to whenever Colin drives me somewhere in his Lamborghini.

Aye, it's true. It's way too much car for me.

-Look at you! I mean, come on. -Wow!

You're a mood. You're a moment. You're a mantra.

Those sound like compliments. Thank you.

Bruh, I'm confused. Is this an ad for ugly people?

Congratulations, amigo. I can't wait to see these up in a tube station.

Yeah, so I can draw a dick on his face.

Yeah!

Bro, why you wearing your kit on the plane?

'Cause it's the only way they'll know he's a footballer.

Anyways, man. What are we…

-The pictures are so great. -Thank you so much.

-Yeah, I'm so proud of you! -Thanks.

-I'll see you later. -I'll see you later.

Oh, boys. Will you remember to sign up

for that new dating app I emailed you all about?

It would really help draw some traction

if there were some young, hot footballers on there.

Yeah, well…

Keeley, what was the name again?

Bantr. B-A-N-T-R.

Like Grindr.

Yeah.

Well, promise me you'll just check it out?

-Of course. -You're the best!

Bye!

Okay, fellas. Got a big game this weekend.

-What are we looking at, Coach? -Very physical.

-Okay. All right. Anything else? -Borderline violent.

You heard the man.

Still can't believe y'all don't have pads in this sport. It's amazing.

Sorry, Coach. Do you mind if I say something, please?

Yeah. No, sure, Jamie. Come on. Yeah.

Thanks.

I know I wasn't the greatest teammate.

I did some shitty things. I said some shitty things.

But I want each and every one of you to know that I'm truly sorry

and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it up to ya. Yeah?

You called me a jaundiced worm.

Right, yeah. And I'm sorry about that, Colin.

In a profile for my hometown paper.

You hit on my mum.

In front of my dad.

I apologize for that, Bumbercatch.

Please tell your father I'm sorry.

And give Janet me best, yeah?

He said that you cupped a fart and put it in his face.

Sounds better in French.

Yeah. I know. I do remember that and I'm sorry.

Hey, is there anyone else?

You got us relegated, mate.

I don't know you, but I don't like you.

I am not a worm.

Okay, fellas. All right. That's good.

Good apology. Way to get the ball rolling. Okay. Come on, guys. Let's go.

Let's get out on the pitch. Settle it out there.

Let's go, Richmond!

Here we go now. Come on.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I remember the last time I brought you here

we played that contest of who could fit the most little sandwiches in their mouth.

Yeah. That was a while ago.

-This is silly, isn't it? -No, not at all.

Don't know what I was thinking. You're not six anymore, are you?

It's fine. Really.

Should we go somewhere else though?

-Yes. -I'll get the bill.

Then you're coming back, right?

Yes, why?

Just making sure you're not gonna disappear for another six years.

I'm joking.

Okay, I deserved that.

All right, fellas, I think we've all had enough of this amuse-bouche.

Time to move on to the main course.

-Chef Beard, what's on the menu? -11 v 11. Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Hey, Jamie. Come here real quick.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, keep them hips loose.

That's it. Take your time. Love it.

Boy, I wish I could move like that.

-To be so young. -Yeah.

So, hey, we're gonna start you out on the reserve squad, all right?

No problem, Coach. Yeah.

Figure it would be good for the fellas to see ya earn your spot back.

Smart. Yeah.

Nothing more likable than watching somebody humbly overcome adversity

with their effortless God-given talent. Pow.

Hey, just do me a favor. Don't try to do too much out there, all right?

I know what you mean, Coach.

Yeah.

Mr. Kit man! Hit me!

-Hey, you think he heard me? -I do.

-Think he gonna listen to me? -I do not.

-Yeah. -They are going to kill him.

Sorry. He just wasn't very nice to me either, so…

Go, go!

Jamie! Jamie!

-Jamie! Jamie! -Yeah!

Hey, while you were off filming your little TV show,

some things changed around here.

Don't bring that weak rubbish my way.

Let's go, boys! Let's go!

Come on, come on! Let's go!

-Let's go! Let's go! -Who's the worm now?

It's not me.

Fuck just happened?

We could go and see a show tonight. What about The Mouse Trap?

You know that Agatha Christie play where someone dies every performance?

Usually in the audience. Seeing as only old people go and see it.

Sure. If that's what you wanna do.

The British Girl Shop. Wanna pop in?

Don't really play with dolls much anymore.

No, of course not.

Besides, why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned?

Edith's parents died in the war.

-Emma's had scurvy. -Yes.

The Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they?

Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided.

Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits.

Thank you, Uncle Roy.

-I love her. -Oh, good.

Right, so how'd her parents die? Factory fire? Eaten by rats?

No. Zoe's from the modern line.

Her parents were canceled.

So, what's happening with what's-his-name, from the steakhouse?

Who, John?

-Yeah. -I dumped him.

-'Cause of what I said? -No.