Sassy Pants

Lacy, watch out!

Excuse me your highnesses, but you're going to be late,

and this restaurant recipe begs to order.

Well, I think it would be a crime if you didn't participate.

I thought we could even get you a new dress,

Michael Paul's.

Fine!

But I'm not making a speech.

Oh no, I think that's a big mistake.

I think you should do it.

Look who's up?

Thank you for joining us this morning.

Why can't we have pancakes?

How many chapters of Latin did you do?

Hmm!

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

I didn't do any, okay!

...Are you felicitous now?

Shayne, I know you're playing with that stupid video station,

what did I say about that?

I wasn't, I swear.

Then what did you just stuff under your bed?

Nothing.

Don't you lie to me Mister,

you have a Life Skills exam tomorrow.

How do you plan to pass if you're too busy stealing cars

and shooting black people?

I was studying what not to do, okay?

Oh, very funny, young man!

All right, next time I hear it, I am taking it away.

What do you think of this little number?

That is darling.

Oh, look at that!

Oh Bethany, you have to see the...

Oh, well, that dress is one of our more sophisticated items,

and I know sophistication when I see it.

Well, I...

I think it looks like something your dad might wear.

I think this one suits you; pink is her favorite color.

Everything she has is pink.

Michael Paul!-Yes.

How much for the earrings,

she is the valedictorian after all?

$14.

All righty!

Hmm!

Well, you know what,

I think you can just borrow something of mine,

can't you sweetheart?

What?

Just cause I'm a mom doesn't mean I don't have snazzy things.

In a game of truth or dare, you pick dare,

always totally unlike me.

Dude, hurry man I'm running out of gas.

What makes us so unique is that we are...

How are you going to wear your hair?

I don't know.

Well, sweetie, it's tomorrow.

Lacy needs to go out.

I can't do everything now, can I?

I wish I could, but I can't.

Ooh, how about a French braid,

I bet that would look so pretty on you?

Lacy!

Stop playing with that gangbang machine,

your sister's almost ready.

And now your grandmother is here and the ceremony starts at noon.

Why should I give a crap?

What did you just say?

Don't you dare talk to me that way,

just because your father gave you

that jerk off contraption

doesn't mean that I can't take it away, and I will...

for the Love of God, Mother.

Sweetie,

let me know if you need any help with your makeup?

No! Move the tassel to the side.

Oh, oh, look at you.

I never thought I'd see the day.

Will you move over June,

I can't see my knockout of a granddaughter?

Did you take the lens cap off mother?

Don't be stupid.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the Pruitt home-school class of 2011.

Will you give me a shot of the valedictorian

getting her diploma?

I couldn't make one, the printer ran out of ink.

For God's sake, June!

Sweetheart, look what just came in the mail for you.

Congratulations on choosing Phelps University

for your online bachelors' degree.

No!

No!

Excuse me little Ms. Sassy Pants,

I was under the impression you wanted to go to college.

I do.

I just thought I could go to Valley or something.

Community college only offers associates degrees;

online is for four years.

Well, I guess I didn't realize

you'd saved up thousands of dollars for your education.

I guess when you're ready to pay, you can make your own plan.

I can't believe my little girl is going off to college.

Kevin, winners train, losers complain.

Financing, this is Dale!

Hey dad, it's Bethany.

Hi! Hi Princess!

This isn't really the best time right now.

Mom's making me go to college at home.

Listen, I can't really hear you.

You know what, I will call you back.

Okay? I love you.

Bye, bye, you're my princess, bye!

K! Bye!

Well done!

Sweetheart, who was that on the phone?

Child abuse hotline.

Fucking bitch!

Shayne?

What?

I bet dad would never make us paint his house.

He probably has a bunch of illegal aliens do all his

stuff for him.

Hey!

What are you guys doing?

Nothing!

That's cool!

You going to Valley next year?

Actually I think I'm going to take some online classes first.

That's cool!

Are you going to Valley?-Me?

No, me and my cousin just signed up for the Marines.

Wow!

Yeah.

Well see you!

See you!

Shut up!

In 1949, communist rebels take over China and a country falls.

Did you have a nice trip, mom?

That's very funny young man.

Keep joshing like that

and you're never going to college like your sister here.

How's my little co-ed doing with her bookkeeping review?

Fine!

The current ratio equals current assets

divided by liabilities.

That's what it says.

Hi dad!

Kiddo!

Hello Dale!

You know, I really don't appreciate you calling

during school hours.

Oh, come on June, it's freaking summer already,

I don't know with that stick up your ass,

but they sure put it in there good.

Well, you did Dale, you stuck it up there,

same way you shoved it up your

daughter's sixth grade music teacher's butt.

Remember that?

That little high recorder incident with Mr. Kinkle.

Lord knows we all do.

Oh Jesus, June,

stop blaming me for your miserable life,

and stop smothering my kids.

Don't you dare question how I am raising these kids,

if anything, you should be thanking me.

I had Bethany through AP Calculus

before she was even menstruating.

You listen up lady, and you listen up good,

maybe you're the reason I'm queer.

Did you ever think about that one?

12 years with you is enough to turn any man gay!

Hi! How are you?

Later bro.

What's up?

Nothing!

That's cool!

What are you doing later?

I don't know, probably just watching a movie or something.

Yeah, there's this girl that lives over at Rancho Vista,

and she's having a party,

me and my homies are going, you should come.

Oh, would you look at that?

Oh, that's precious!

I don't feel very good.

All right!

I'm going to go to bed.

Okay sweetie.

You let me know if you need anything.

Do you want a beer?

Is this Truth or Dare?

Say what?

Dawg, I just asked her if she wants some brew, that's all.