Mike & Molly

You know, these egg whites aren't bad. I don't really miss the yolk at all.

Agreed. They don't add anything to the overall egg experience,

except maybe texture, color and flavor.

Well, in my mind, this is a way better breakfast

than say, a caramel frappuccino and a donut.

Oh, absolutely.

Are we talking about the traditional glazed donut,

or the more cakey kind?

I'm talking about the little mini chocolate ones.

You can have one on each finger and still hold a cup of coffee.

You know, there's a dunkin donuts

exactly one-point-two miles from here.

One-point-two?

And you know that how?

I was going for my power walk, and I was wearing my pedometer.

By the way, you can start smelling them at point eight.

Okay. Okay!

We have really gotta stop this.

What? As long as we're sticking to our diets

we can at least fantasize, right?

Hey, that snickers we shared in bed last night

was not a fantasy.

It was to me.

Besides, it was just a fun size,

and we burned those calories off right away,

if you know what I mean.

Technically, I burned those calories off.

Yeah, but I was rooting you on.

And I appreciate that.

But I'm gonna be good until Victoria's birthday party,

and then I'm gonna have a piece of cake the size of my head.

I thought your sister didn't want

to make a big deal about her birthday.

It's her thirtieth.

It's a milestone and we're all having cake!

End of discussion!

Boy, I remember when I turned 30.

Me and a couple of buddies went to Vegas,

and we hooked up with these two...

For one coupons to an all-you-can-eat buffet,

had a nice dinner, went home early, didn't do anything.

I'll never forget that night.

Morning.

You're just getting home?

Yeah. After the club closed,

there was an after party in the parking lot,

then an after-after party in the bouncer's pop-up camper.

Well, bong hit, bath and bed.

Party for your sister.

Good idea.

* For the first time in my life *

* I see love. *

I can't believe you ladies have never seen The Godfather.

I've tried to get Joyce to watch it a thousand times,

but we always end up watching some stupid chick flick.

And I'm not talking the good "girl on girl" kind.

: Well, why don't you make her an offer that she can't refuse?

I did.

I said, "if I have to watch pretty woman one more time,

: You're gonna sleep with the fishes."

I love Pretty Woman.

It really makes being a hooker look like fun.

Shh!

I believe in America.

Bonasera: America has made my fortune,

and I raised my daughter in the American fashion.

Who's this guy?

Are you gonna talk through the whole thing?

Sorry. I just wanted to know who that guy is.

You're not supposed to know who that guy is yet.

Fine. I'll wait.

I gave her freedom, but...

I taught her never to dishonor her family.

Did you remember to order the cake for Victoria's birthday?

Molly: No. You know, I wanted to ask you,

do you think we should do cake or just cupcakes?

Ooh, cupcakes

are a smart idea. You don't waste as much,

people can take them home if they want.

This is the greatest movie ever

and all you're talking about is cupcakes.

You know, now that I hear it out loud, I think I'm back to cake.

Are you done?

Sorry.

With another boyfriend.

They made her drink whiskey...

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Oh, just hanging out. You want to join us?

No.

I don't want to intrude.

Don't be silly. The more the merrier.

Not so far.

Thank you for asking.

But you're doing a couple's thing, and...

I don't want to be the sixth wheel.

A lost and lonely 30-year-old sixth wheel.

Oh, goodness, do you want to go or should I?

Maybe you should both go.

I just figured

by the time I turned 30, I'd have a man in my life.

Sweetie, you have nothing but men in your life.

No, I mean the same man a bunch of nights in a row.

Some folks call that a relationship.

Yeah, one of those.

So the bouncer in the pop-up camper,

probably not a long-term thing.

Oh, no. Guys like that never are.

Neither are guys who live in Winnebagos or hotdog trucks.

Good to know.

You show up for a second date,

and their whole house has disappeared.

No note or nothing.

Just an orange extension cord hanging from the outlet

and a half-eaten bun on the curb.

Victoria, you shouldn't pin your happiness

on whether you have a man in your life or not.

Easy for you to say.

You've got a boyfriend.

You want him? He's yours.

I gotta warn you, he's kind of a load.

Yeah, but at least you have somebody to be disappointed in.

Listen, you've gotta...

You've gotta focus on what makes you happy.

You know? I mean, your job brings you

a lot of fulfillment, right?

Well,

putting makeup on dead people is okay.

But as a rule, they don't give you a lot of "pats on the back""

hey, I don't get a lot of "attaboys" as a teacher, either.

But I know if I'm reaching just one kid,

then I'm truly making a difference.

Just one kid.

That's so great.

It is.

It's just all in how you choose to look at it.

You're telling me I should have a baby.

Uh...

Mom!

Coming! Anyway, Victoria's always been my fragile one.

It all started when she was five years old

and I lost her at the zoo.

Not entirely my fault.

I mean, if they're gonna sell beer there,

mistakes will be made.

I think you should go talk to her. What's going on?

She wants to have a baby,

and she sent me down here to ask Mike for sperm.

You lovingly declined.

Oh, thank you.

Because I never know what to say in those situations.

Let's go, Vince.

If you're gonna be her step- daddy, you're gonna have to

start chiming in with some fatherly advice.

Ah, geez, I just wanted a nice, quiet evening

watching a bunch of goombahs

blast the crap out of each other.

Corleone: Why did you go to the police?

Why didn't you come to me first?

So, who's this guy?

Sweetheart, raising a child is a lot of responsibility.

There's dressing them and feeding them...

And not losing them in Monkeyville.

I was hammered; Give me a break.

I just feel like I've got so much to give

and nobody to give it to.

You ever think about pole dancing?

Vince, what is the matter with you?

Hey, it's good money, great exercise,

and she's bringing happiness to

a room full of sad and lonely degenerates.

I think what Vince is trying to say

is that maybe this is not a good time

for you to have a baby.

No. What Vince is trying to say

is that you've got a rocking bod,

and you should take advantage of it

before you hit 40, and your jugs become wind chimes.

Mom, make him stop talking.

Vince, get out of here and go watch your movie.

Hey, she could push it to 45

if she sleeps in a support bra and stays off the trampoline.

Out!

Here, take this up to my sister.

It'll make her feel better.

Oh, man, why you doing this to me?

You'll be fine.

You got enough for a backup

if I accidentally eat this on the stairs?

Go.

Just so you know,

if she asks for my sperm,

I'm trading her straight up for this bad boy.

Oh, hey. I was just bringing a little treat for Victoria.

Oh, good. I need a drink.

Funny, I was schnockered when she was conceived,

and now it's the only way

I can carry on a conversation with her.

Hey, there.

Molly made a little treat for you and I didn't eat any of it.

Aw, that's so sweet of her.