black-ish

Dre: Some of history's most brutal wars were set off

by a tiny wrong move at the wrong time

when tensions were jacked through the roof.

Take this Archduke Fella with the dope lid.

Poor dude gets capped cruising in his ride, and... boom!...

World War I.

But there's never been a moment in history

more loaded with deadly tension than "Valentime's" Day.

All that pressure to make it perfect

actually makes it a powder keg waiting to explode.

And Bow and I never fail to set it off.

Happy first Valentime's Day, Mrs. Johnson.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.

Hey, baby, can you suck in your wrist?

I mean, it fit on the skinny saleslady's arm.

Ow!

But it's not always me who fires the first shot.

You know, if we ever have a son,

I'd like to name him Andre Jr.

Ah, we'll see.

We'll see? To my legacy?

Your legacy of giving your wife a sad freeway bucket rose?

Hey, hey. What?

You know, that's it.

I'm out! All right?

No giant bag of oranges for you!

But this Valentime's,

I'm doing everything right to keep the peace.

Oh, yeah. A dozen long stems not from a Mexican lady's bucket,

a gift that fits,

and a night out with my beautiful wife.

- Oh. Hey, babe. - Hey.

Mwah! Mwah!

Ain't nothing gonna ruin this night.

All right, so, should I wait in the car while you change?

Change?

_

Archduke down! Archduke down!

That's not good. And we're not even in the car yet.

Black-ish S01E13 Big Night, Big Fight

So, like an idiot,

I accidentally triggered another war.

I had to broker a peace before it destroyed the night.

Come on, Bow, you staying mad

is just gonna ruin our Valentime's.

Oh, so this is on me?

It's my fault you wouldn't recognize

an Isabel Marant Romper if it bit you in the ass?

- And by the way... - Hmm?

It's Valentine's.

Nuh!

Nuh!

Nuuuuh!

_

My way sounds so much better.

Like... like Christmastime.

Springtime.

I mean, come on, baby. "Hammertine"? It just sounds stupid.

Look, I'm sorry I slammed your romper, okay?

Can I get a do-over?

Peeease?

I guess Hammertine does not make much sense.

Maybe I overreacted.

Maybe just a little.

Dre, let's just enjoy the night you planned.

I'm very excited to go and eat at Fabiano's...

Again.

- What's that tone? - No tone. It's just after 15 years,

I think we've done the hell out of Fabiano's.

Well, joke's on you. I'm changing it up.

We're not going to Fabiano's.

GPS voice: Drive 300 feet to Fabiano's Cucina.

That was programmed from last year.

Boo-yah! Doubled my haul from last year.

Hmm. Nice.

Wow.

That's upsetting.

Tell me about it.

I had to leave most of them at school.

But there's not even that many people in our class.

A lot of them are from my teachers and their families. I'm beloved.

How does a boob like you get more Valentines than me?

Maybe by not calling people "Boobs."

You are pretty mean.

Mean? It's called being honest, long-head.

Long-head?

Don't worry. You'll probably grow into it.

Probably.

Diane, have you ever heard the saying

"you catch more flies with honey"?

Congrats, genius. You just ruined your honey with dead flies.

Wow, are you broken.

Is it actually long?

Can someone please trace my skull?

I'd like to know.

Welcome to Everly.

Wow. It's completely packed. What a surprise.

- I have a reservation. - Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom before we get kicked out.

We're not getting kicked out, all right?

Please don't kick us out.

But long story short... no ressie, mad wife, marriage on the line.

Help me.

Sorry, sir. We're fully booked.

It's Valentine's day.

All right.

How about if my friend Bill explains it?

Billy.

Billy Cash.

Oh, here's your reservation.

Hmm.

_

Dre: So, Billy Cash got us into the house,

but he didn't exactly get us the best seats in the house.

I'm so sorry about this. I'm Bow, by the way.

Stacy. Happy V-tine's day.

Oh, you too.

Oh, my God. Is that your pug on your phone?

- Mm-hmm. - It's so cute.

You know, I had a Corgi when I was growing up...

Just a sec. Yeah.

We're not here to make gal pals.

- Right. Okay. - By the way, I love your outfit.

Oh.

- Thank you. - Mm.

Hmm.

- Seeing anything we like? - Yeah. Actually,

I'm just gonna go with the short rib,

- and maybe I can start with... - Ooh, short rib.

Tell us about the short rib. Is it tender?

- And here we go. - You know what?

Don't even worry about it

'cause I was actually looking at the Jidori chicken.

Where exactly is Jidor?

It's... never mind. Don't even answer that.

Um, let's see. Um...

Oh, okay. Hold on.

Um, oh. There it is.

Um...

Why don't you come back in two days?

Thank you.

A seafood side. I didn't even see this page.

Skate?

Don't know what that is, but it sounds fancy.

Excuse me, garçon! Walk me through this skate.

Okay, Diane, our Valentine's gift to you

is teaching you how to give a compliment.

Fine. But for the record, I am doubtful of all you people.

Okay, just look at Jack

and say something nice about him.

I'm sorry.

There's just too much baggage between us.

She's not wrong.

Okay, then, what about Junior?

Can you say something nice about him?

Uh...

I see what you're saying. It is kind of long.

Will that happen to my head, too?

Just volunteering my time here.

Listen, Diane, there's something to make fun of

about everyone... not me...

But the secret to pretending to be a nice person

is to stop talking before the hurtful part

of what you're thinking comes out.

Hey. That's pretty smart.

Mm-hmm.

Especially from you.

Okay.

I see what I did there.

Yeah.

Okay, let me see here.

Hmm.

I think I will have

the-e-e-e-e...

Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.

Unless you think I shouldn't get the chicken.

The chicken's wonderful.

- What's your favorite? - The chicken.

You know, I think you're just saying...

- Dre. - Okay, chicken.

I'm gonna have the short rib, please.

So sorry. Someone just ordered the last one.

Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna have whatever's fastest

- and a bottle of vodka. - Yes, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

Are you happy?

Bottle?

You made me lose the short rib.

But you know what? No. This is what you do.

You ruin things. You are a ruiner.

- Am I? - Mm-hmm.

Name one thing I've ruined.

How about last Easter

when you planned an Easter egg hunt

in Griffith Park and Jack dug up a human finger?

Uh, public land. Out of my control.

- Okay. Our anniversary in Cabo. - Mm-hmm.

You crashed the jet ski, and I had to get 11 stitches.

Rogue wave... not my fault.

And it was your infected stitches that ruined the trip.