Tom Segura: Disgraceful

Ladies and gentlemen...

Tom Segura!

Whoa!

What's up?

Holy shit. Thank you, Denver. That was amazing.

Thank you so much.

I wish I was home right now.

Um...

No offense. Not personal.

That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room.

I'm like, "Well, I wish I was home right now."

Uh...

I think it's your thought too.

I think you're like, "I hope this is good,"

but also, "Wrap this shit up so I can go home."

I actually think that's the meaning of life.

Like, people are always philosophizing, "What is the meaning of life?"

I'll tell you the meaning of life.

The meaning of life is, "Fuck this place. Let's go home."

Now...

Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away

from never leaving our homes again.

And I'm pretty fuckin' excited about it.

There... There are a lot of indicators if you're paying attention.

Like, number one, do you ever really process

that you don't have to leave your home to buy anything?

You're like, "Yeah, I order some things online."

No, no, no. You can sit on your couch,

pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, "I want bananas.

And I want hammers. And...

I want an eagle's beak."

And then...

Amazon's like,

"It's on your fuckin' doorstep." How about that?

Isn't that insane to you?

You don't have to leave your home to see people.

You should. You don't have to.

Just hold up the same device and be like, "Hi."

"Bye."

And you saw everyone.

But the number-one indicator

that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon

are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you.

Now...

if you don't know what I'm talking about, you haven't been watching TV.

There are endless commercials that air,

where basically, a guy comes out and he's like,

"Doesn't it suck to sit up?"

Something like that. And I guess the people are like, "It does suck!"

And he goes, "Well, get this fuckin' bed.

You don't have to sit up no more."

They try to advertise that it's for snoring.

It's because you're a piece of shit. That's why you got that bed.

All you've done is lay down.

You've been sleeping for hours, and your first thought when you wake up is,

"I don't even want to sit up.

I want to go from here to..."

Mm...

Well, wakey-wakey, little turd.

How are you gonna change the world?

That means in two years, we're gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us,

and we'll just go, "Food."

And then a mechanical arm will come out.

And then you'll go, "Shit." And the bed will open.

And you'll go, bah! And you'll shit through the bed.

And then you'll be like, "I'm tired.

I wanna rest. Oh, yeah."

Mm...

And we'll all be 800 pounds.

I can't fuckin' wait. Now...

Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently.

I was on...

That's right. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth.

And... Yes.

You may have seen him. His name is Brent Crystals. And....

I beat him in this contest because I'm a better person,

but that's not what I want to talk about.

I lost about 50 pounds, and you know... Yeah.

Maybe... Maybe you're out there right now and you're thinking, like,

"Hey, man. If you can do that, I can do that."

Probably not.

I mean, look what I'm doing right now. Can you do this?

I don't fuckin' think so.

I'm just an awesome guy. But...

You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did,

you get... I get so many messages.

People are like, "You inspired me." And I'm like, "Oh, I didn't mean to."

People ask me like, "Will you coach me into weight loss?"

And I'm like, "Absolutely not."

One guy hit me up like 50 times.

"Give me a message to get this kick-started."

"I'll give you a message.

When you look in the mirror, do you say, 'I fuckin' hate you'?

Then you're not ready.

Cry more and eat less." Send.

That's my message.

Hey, you asked me. Now...

I'll tell you, on a grand scale, who's helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks.

And this is true. They have a national training campaign

to try to trick you into ordering food.

And this is why. They know you're going to order a beverage.

So, they try to lead you into food.

Pull into any Starbucks drive-through.

And now they greet you, they say, "Welcome to Starbucks.

What can we get started for you to eat today?"

And you're like, "Wait, what?

I just wanted coffee."

And they're like, "No shit.

What else do you want?"

You're like, "I don't know, sausage?

I mean, what do you have?"

I don't respect that. I like my shame straight-up and honest.

And nobody does that better than the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out.

And if you've never been...

If you've never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin' life together and go.

And I want you to go simply so you can experience

the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food.

'Cause you pull up and you go, "I'll have a double-double, fries and a Coke."

And they go, "Will you be eating in the car?"

"Yeah, I think so."

And they go, "I bet you will, you fat, fuckin' pile of garbage."

Doesn't that question sting?

You're like, "Am I living in my car? Why am I eating in my car?"

'Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they're like, "Leave with dignity."

But if you say yes, it's an open tray, and they go, "Eat out of that, pig."

And then it falls in your lap and they go, "Pick it up!"

And you're like, "Hot dog, french fries."

"Are you gonna jerk off when you get home 'cause you're lonely?"

And you're like, "Yes, yes."

"We're gonna give you a free milkshake because you're bummin' everybody out.

We're fast food workers.

You're making us sad. Get the fuck out of here."

You can't say "retarded" anymore.

It was just here. Don't you remember?

"Retarded." That's how I...

People get very upset.

I don't really support the arguments against it.

When people are like, "You shouldn't say it." "Why?"

"What if there's one over there?" And you're like...

We never said it like that. We were never like, "Look at that guy!"

You didn't say it like that. You said it to describe an idea,

or a situation, you know?

If your friend was like, "I'll pick you up at your house,

and then we'll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house.

And we can get your bags.

And then, we'll come back over here after that."

And your like, "That's retarded. Why the fuck would we do that?"

But now you can't say that. Now you've gotta be like, "That's not... smart.

Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me."

It's not the same.

You can't say, "That's gay." Damn.

I used to abuse that expression, I'm not gonna lie.

And never for anything remotely sexual.

I just would say it all the time. If you were like,

"I'll have a water, no ice."

I'd be like, "That's gay." You know?

"Why do you have so many balloons? That's gay." Shit like that.

Can't say it anymore. Now, to be clear, you can say "that's gay."

But it has to be for something overtly gay.

Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line,

each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them.

And they're marching and going,

"I want the come. Give me the come. I want the come."

And then you can go, "That's gay."

And even then they're like, "Take it easy."

And you're like, "All right, jeez."

You can't say "midget." Goddamn it.

I never thought we'd lose that one.

You can't say it. People get very upset.

I never said it to be cruel. And let's be honest.

It was perfectly acceptable for years.

The best part about the word midget, before it became offensive,

is that it's specific.

You know what someone's talking about. That's what was great about it.

You could be like, "I was at the zoo today and I saw a midget."

And you'd be like, "Did they feed him to the lions? What happened next?"

But now, I can't say that.

Now, I gotta be like, "I saw a little person."

And you're like, "Was it a child, or..."

Like, "No. Under 4'11" with the hands."

"Oh, okay."

Now you know what I'm saying.

So...

You might be sitting in your seat now, going, "Tom, what can we still say?

What can we say?" I'll tell you what you can say.

White racial slurs.

All of 'em.

Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky.

Have fun.

Say 'em all you want.

And if you're not white, and you're going, "Wait, are you saying I can say those?"

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Nobody cares.

Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, "Hey, you fuckin' guinea."

And he'll go, "I don't care.

I don't give a shit."

It's not a historically disenfranchised group.

The best slur of all, for me, I think, is honky. And I'll tell you why.

The word honky is hilarious... in and of itself.

But for some reason, truly racist white people have latched onto that word.