Archer

Oh for the --

We're already late, what'd ya go and start that for?

I didn't!

So, it just spontaneously combusted.

So creepy... look, I've got goosebumps.

I'm sure you do.

What is -- is something burning?!

No!

Maybe you're having a stroke!

I'm not having a stroke!

That's great, Mother, keep those periodic updates coming!

Oh shut up.

Hey, Friday happy hour, you guys in?

Gimme that.

No no no no no that's not --

- water.

Well what the hell was it?!

Grappa.

- Aww... - No shit, that was like twenty bucks' worth.

Who drinks a pint of grappa?!

Well nobody now, Wendy Wasteful.

So you can buy my first couple of rounds.

- Nah, I can't, we -- - No, you can.

I'm allowing you.

- Oh my God, thank you - You're welcome.

but we've got dates.

Meaning the fruit of the date palm?

Muh-huh.

Date dates, dingdong.

With who?

Oh, just some handsome firemen I met.

At a warehouse fire.

So c'mon, let's go already!

My cooch has cobwebs on it.

Ew.

Krieger, hey, wanna get a drink?

Oooooooooooooh, no.

- It's mushi night, movie and sushi - With... oh.

Meaning that's tentacle porn.

"Fisherman's Wife" and "Fisherman's Wife Two:"

"The Re-Tentacling."

Mother, hey, wanna go get a drink?

You know, as a matter of fact, I do.

- Oh, okay, uh -- - And as another matter of fact, I am.

With Ron, in the bar at The Tuntmore.

And if he plays his cards right, he'll be wetting a lot more than his --

Oww!

What is wrong with you?!

Well for one thing, tinnitus!

Which... Yeah, I think it's getting worse.

And how do they all have dates, these aren't people you date,

I'm who should have a date, I'm the... best at dates.

Hmm, I wonder if Lana has a date.

Yes!

- Lana? - Yes!

- You heard that? - Yes!

Who're you, Jaime Sommers?

Yes!

No seriously, I can barely hear me, are my ears really that messed up?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay, Jesus, I'm not deaf, I'm just --

Going to vomit.

I am going to vomit.

Not on my carpet, you're not!

I -- Oh for God's sake, get a room!

We did.

Shut up, because first of all... I don't have to explain myself to you,

of all people, and --

-- and if you blow that thing again the next time you

hear it'll be when some whore is giving you a blow job.

Doesn't even make sense.

I think she means she'll shove it up your --

Dickhole, and where did you get that?!

Rape prevention class.

Which, turns out, is a not-good place to meet women.

No shit.

Yeah, it's like their guard is so up, it's -- Cyril, scotch, where?!

Well if you mean my grandfather's Glengoolie Blue,

you drank it and then puked it into my trash can!

Oh my God, Lana I get, she wants to make me jealous,

but are you seriously just getting me back for the scotch?!

Do you even hear yourself?

It honestly kinda comes and goes.

Well, since thanks to you I didn't do the former, now we're doing the latter.

Cyril, go start the car.

- Are you not going-- - Cyril?

Remember the ground rules for this?

So carefully negotiated?

I will go start the car.

- And before you say it -- - How long's it been since you got laid, Lana?

That's not why I'm dating Cyril again!

- Uh-huh, so two -- - No! Not two years!

Ass.

Fourteen months.

So go ahead, laugh.

At what?

I was gonna say two weeks.

Two years is... Lana, that's the -- third saddest thing I've heard today.

Pam told me about a little girl who drowned trying to save a puppy.

Jesus... what was the second saddest?

The puppy drowned too.

But it's a close third, I mean don't do this, Lana, c'mon, I'd be happy to bang you.

Me and anybody who could fog a mirror.

Well before, maybe, but I really think I've changed, Ya know!

And-or matured!

Ha.

No, I'm serious, with the cancer, and my possible father dying, and um...

oh my God, the tinnitus?!

- Archer... - Hang on, should we get that?

Get what?

Is the phone not...?

Damn you, tinnitus, you're a cruel mistress!

But seriously, do you not hear that?

Yes, now!

It's your phone!

Oh. Duh.

Wait please, Lana, c'mon, you can't deny we're attracted to each other!

So?!

So what if all that stuff really has matured me?

I know I'm not perfect, but you have to admit I'm better!

Than?

Than I was!

And also than Cyril could ever be.

- First of all, Cyril -- - Cheated on you as much as I did, Lana,

- and I'm ten times handsomer than him, so... - They're the same!

Lana, be honest with yourself.

It was actually about ten times worse.

What happened to your idiot voicemail?!

I'm doing this new thing, where now it just rings, drives people crazy.

- Oh my God, you have matured... - Lana, I have!

Just let me prove it!

If.

In some crazy parallel universe I agreed to that.

How would you.

By -- Jesus, hang on, Woodhouse might be trapped in the dumbwaiter again.

He was in there two days last time.

Your apartment's one level, how do you have a dumbwaiter?

Goes sideways.

Mmmmmmmmyello?

Speaking.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, bye.

Yes!

Okay, Lana, check you later.

What?

What about all that just now?

All what just now?

About how much you've matured, and how you want to get back together?

That's what you heard?

Wow, your ears are even worse than mine.

Wait, was that even Woodhouse?

Nooop!

Then who was it?!

Yes, my dear Sterling, come for me.

Phrezzing, boom.

Hey, asshole!

Thanks.

And oh, my name is Cyril Figgis.

Hey, how's it going?

Thenk you, they are beautiful.

Sorry about the chocolate, I didn't know you were allergic or whatever.

The alkaloids.

They can make a problem with my bioelectronics.

Oh. Right.

Because you have those.

And I'm sorry if you misunderstood.

I did not call you for the romance.

I -- yeah I mean yeah, no, duh, and besides I wouldn't

be interested, I have a girlfriend, so.

Oh.

Yeah, an actress.

Of stage and screen.

Oh.

Well, I hope she makes you happy.

Is funny, you don't ask where is Barry.

What do you mean where is Barry, he's -- Yeah, where is Barry?

I... I don't know!

And only one week after, well, you know, when I left you for him,

he said he must go for work, to London.

- Wow, that was months ago... - And since then, nothing!

Not a word!

What could have happened to him?!

- Uhhh... - Noooooooooooooooooooo!

He is on space station?!

But why?!

Well, ya know, I hate to say this, but obviously he met someone else.

Sterling. Pliz.

Yeah, that was the -- third dumbest thing I've ever said.

Wait, what were the first two?

Buddy, you just sold a timeshare!

Make that two timeshares!

- Goddamn maintenance fees... - Sterling, will you please help me find him?

How?

That office was just a trailer.

Barry.

Oh. Barry, right.