Camping

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Can you slow down a bit, please, Robin? We're going too fast.

Oh, sorry, darling.

Very bumpy. Thrill of the open road, that's all.

Don't be silly.

-Straight on. -Mm-hm.

Can't see anything. Oh, look, there's a sign here.

Just slow up a bit, Robin, it's left.

It's here, Pittleford Farm.

-Quick, pull in. -Oooh!

Watch out! Oh, my...!

Plenty of space, darling. Where's the tents?

What are you... Why are you stopping, Robin?

Just go straight down, it's down the end here.

I think the tents will be...

It's not, just go down to the bottom, Robin! Keep going!

-It's not here. -Sorry, Fi.

God's sake! Just about had enough of this whole...

Right. All right, stop here, please.

Right, Noel Maunders.

Wait here. OK.

Sorry. Thanks.

Ooh! Here we are, then.

Let the holiday commence.

FI KNOCKS

-Ah. -Hello. Fiona Betherill, with the group party.

-Noel Maunders. -Hello.

The tents are all...

..set up, so you can...

-..take your pick. -OK.

Super. And parking-wise, where do we...?

You're welcome to drive down to the field

to unload your suitcases and whatnot.

And then you can park back up here...

..once you've unloaded everything.

Right. OK. Super. Thank you.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Ah! Six-all.

KNOCKING Oh!

Sorry.

-All OK, Fi? -Well, no -

we can't drive down to the field, unfortunately,

so you'll have to unload all the cases up here

and bring them down manually.

Oh. Okey-doke.

-Does he need to wear that? -Yes!

Here.

It's down the bottom here somewhere, we'll see you down there.

-Come on, Archie. -Great.

Don't keep fiddling with these zips, Archie, please.

HE PANTS AND GRUNTS

I'm gasping for a tea, Robin.

Okey-doke.

You'll need to get the fire going.

Will do.

-Right. -Typical Kerry to be late.

Well, we did say to arrive an hour after us.

Oh, don't start, Robin.

OK.

I brought you a welcome apple cake.

Oh. Thank you. Thank you very much.

No, we...we do it for all the guests.

Right.

It's one Mother used to enjoy, but...

..she can only suck, now, really, she...

Oh...dear.

Is she, um...in the house with you?

Yes, yes, yes, if I mash some up with milk and 'nanas,

she might have a...spoonful or two later...

..if we're lucky.

Sorry, Neil, can I just ask about...?

It's Noel.

Can I just ask about the bed situation within the tent?

I mean, will they be...raised, raised at all?

Well...

You've got the little mattresses.

But no, no, it's as it is, it's about the height of...

A Weetabix. Yes, it's just that I've got an issue with my hips.

So, I mean... Well...

You could take one from another tent,

then they wouldn't have a mattress.

No, dear, we can't do that, we can't take...

I mean, it's FCFS, isn't it? It's FCFS. So...

-FCFS? -FCFS.

-First Come First Served. -Yes.

Yes, I suppose so, but we did tell everyone

to come an hour afterwards. There we are.

-We have lift-off. -Oh! Super!

Well done. Thank you, thank you, Noel.

Right, I'm going to take those mattresses, Robin.

Can you grab them?

Right, yes, Fi, can we have a cup of tea first?

No, get them both quickly, please, before they get here, Robin.

What about the pillows, do you want...?

-I think they're here. -Oh.

-Hi! -Oh! She's here!

Hello, Kerry! Happy birthday, Robin!

Oh! How lovely!

-Oh, looks intriguing. -Ah, no, sorry,

we're not doing presents until Sunday,

Robin's birthday proper, so I'll pop that

in the pressie bucket.

-Oh. -Hi, by the way.

Thanks, Fi. Good journey?

Good, yes.

Yes, did you send over the kitty money, or...?

Oh, no.

-Well, there's no hurry. -No, it's...

It's £350, as per my January e-mail.

Yes, sorry. I will.

No, there's no hurry, Kerry.

How's Adam? Is he here?

Yes. He's fine. Adam's very well.

Just having a rest in the car, bit tired, so...

It's quite a journey. Did he drive?

He didn't. I drove.

But as Adam says, it can be just as tiring for the passenger.

Mm, yeah, passenger. And he gets very tired

since he stopped drinking. So... Oh.

KNOCKING Argh!

Good morrow, sir. Ah, bonjour, bonjour!

Welcome to ze camp!

Don't be silly, please, Robin.

-Hello, Fi. -Adam.

-Hey! -Happy birthday, old man!

Thank you. What, old man? Old man?

Where's me Zimmer frame?

HE PANTS

-Ah. -Just making a coffee for Adam.

No. Sorry, no. No. No.

The kettle is out of bounds, I'm afraid.

No, it's for an emergency situation only.

Which we would have to define in the moment.

I mean, the whole point about being here

is to have the genuine outdoor camping experience,

so that's off-limits, I'm afraid.

-So sorry. -Well...

Ah...!

What's that?

Could it be a hawk?

A hawk, that's got into the shower?

I'm so sorry, Fi, cos I knew this wasn't planned,

but Adam has...he's...

Well, we've got his son with us, so...

-Oh! -What?

Davey, yes. I hope that's... I'm so sorry.

Well, it's not going to work for me, I'm so sorry.

I'd like to be able to help you out, but it's not...

-It's not going to work. -Oh, Fi. Apologies, but no.

Oh. So...

--Should we go back? -Hm. -Well...

No, I don't think there's any need to go back, is there, Fi?

Well, so where is he now?

PANTING Ooh, ooh!I...

That's him on the loo. So...

-Oh. -Yes, gets a bit bunged up.

So... I'm the same, I'm an absolute martyr to the...

..the early-morning push.

The bolus becomes very compacted.

Anyway, it will be nice for Archie to have a little chum to play with.

-Yes. Yes. -Ugh!

Oh.

Sounds like success!

I don't want him playing with Archie, Robin,

it's obviously...it's obviously some kind of condition.

Yes, it's called being a teenage boy.

I mean, it's every chance you get at that age.

What, did you...?

Well...

I presume you were hygienic.

In what way?

Did you wear a glove, or...?

No. No, no.

You wouldn't wear a glove, no.

You sometimes might pop it into a sock.

-Pop it into a sock? -Yes.

It's just what boys did, Fi, to...collect the mess.

Were they your socks?

No. I'm afraid they were Mum's.

I filled her pop socks.

Ah. Suppose Tom and Anne, not coming.

I shouldn't think so, no.

Oh, it's very sad, isn't it, the break-up?

-Mmm. -Awful.

Poor Anne.

Maybe not, maybe it's poor Tom.

Oh, no, no, because apparently Anne said that she, at one point,

she thought he was seeing a prostitute,

because she found sort of clumps of ginger pubic hair in the bed.

Why did she assume that was a prostitute?

Well, I...I imagine...

She did buy Tom that zookeeper's day for his birthday, so...

Maybe picked up some hairs there.

You know - a fox or an orang-utan.

Or servals, they're sort of gingery, aren't they?

Well, no, there was evidence of a takeaway as well.

Maybe he brought the serval back for a takeaway.

Well, no, I mean, I think if it had been a full-bodied human being

as opposed to a prostitute,

he'd have at least offered her a ready meal.