Crashing

Can you not?

I'm surprising someone in London...

Someone needs an orgasm.

Stop being anal, Kate. It's just a party.

- Please. - No. - Yes. - No.

- Yes! - No! - It's my birthday.

We are not allowed parties.

We will get kicked out.

All right, how is not wanting to be homeless anal?

Just a small little gathering. You can invite Jessica for my sex.

I don't want work people seeing where I live, thanks.

They'll think I'm a squatter.

Look, the whole point of living in a disused hospital

is to get a girl on a slab.

No, Sam, it's to save money for a deposit on an actual house.

Oh, yeah, as if that's what we're all doing here.

Come on, Kate.

I'll go down on you.

Don't go down on my fiance. The pigeon's in the shower again.

- It's nice to know he's looking after himself. - Just throw it over him.

- It's not moving and it's looking right at me. - I'll go.

Oh, my God! I'm going to have to say it.

He's going to say something terrible.

It's my first birthday since my dad died.

There, said it.

- What's this? - He wants a party.

No-one should have to go around carrying this much grief

and this much semen.

Something bad is bound to happen.

You're unbelievable. I'm an orphan.

- You have a mum. - She lives south of the river.

Compliment her again and she'll do it.

You've got really fit hair.

I'm going to be late.

- We're organising a massive treasure hunt today for a shoe shop. - Mm.

- Maybe we could do something like that. - Oh, you're an angel!

- The pigeon puffs up when it's angry. - I know, baby. - You're my hero.

Er, Melody, when you want me, I am all yours.

Come on, one poke. Melody, what have I got to do?

- Really? - Yeah. - Drug me. - Wow.

- And then never tell me. - Wow. Really? - Yeah.

'Ladies and gentlemen, this bus will be terminating

'at London Victoria in approximately 15 minutes.'

What the fuck?!

- This place is amazing. - I know, it's brilliant. Thanks for taking me.

Forgive me, Kate.

It appears you live in a hospital.

Please don't tell anyone at work. I'm not a squatter, OK? I do pay.

Me and Anthony are just saving for the wedding and...

- I'm just not a squatter. - No, no.

Congratulations, by the way.

He cooks a mean curry.

Oh! Thanks!

I still get coy when he takes his shirt off.

What was your wedding like?

Where are you staying while your divorce wraps up?

Um...

Still on the sofa. Cara's moved him in now.

It's, er, a little awkward in the mornings,

but they're usually in bed by the time I get back,

which is a small mercy, I suppose.

Oh, God, Colin! There's a spare ward going here if you need the space.

Thank you. I'll think about it.

Melody!

This is Crying Colin from work...

Colin from work.

He's thinking about moving into the spare ward.

- Are you poor? - Um, no. Just...

Lonely?

- Well, I'm going through a divorce. - So both.

I suppose so, yes.

Do you enjoy living here?

Well, you're not allowed to have parties, cook meals,

light candles, have sex, express emotion, claim any rights,

argue if they want to throw you out with only two days' notice,

or smoke.

It's a riot.

Gosh.

Happy birthday, dude.

Ahh!

Mmm! Stop.

Stop it!

Stop it.

OK, OK, everybody, everybody!

Line up for the treasure hunt.

There are clues on every floor of the hospital.

Do not change your partner once you've been allocated one, OK?

- It's going to be... - Anal! - ..super fun.

Right. Purnima and...

- Sam! - ..Harry.

- Jessica, Jessica, Jessica... - Jessica and...

Sam!

...that unbelievably hot guy.

What? Who even is that? Who brought that?

Kate, mate, digging the squat.

It's not a squat.

- Melody and... - Sam!

...Colin.

Anthony...

and...

- Lulu? - ..me!

No fucking way!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! What are you doing here? Look at your stupid face.

Oh, my God, don't say anything!

Oh, my God, you have to meet Kate!

Kate, this is... This is Lulu.

- My Lulu. - Wow! Lulu!

- Lulu! Oh, it's so great to finally meet you. - You, too.

Is that a ukulele? Wow, quirky!

Yeah, thanks. I try really hard.

You must be the brilliant Kate.

My God!

- Ohh! - Wow, you are gorgeous.

What are you doing with this shitbag?

Oh, just... You know, just...

Just...

- She totally loves me. - No, I don't!

- You don't? - No, I do.

A lot. I love him so much, I could die.

- Mwah! - So you're here! Yeah!

Fucking look at you! I've missed you so much.

Hey! Sugar-tits.

OK, no, don't speak to him. I grew up with her.

She is Red Zone. She's basically my sister.

You guys look really similar.

- Yeah, I guess we... - No, I don't think so.

- So, I'm Sam and I am amazing. - He's a pervert.

This is Melody. She's a hot frog.

- She's a teacher. - I'm an artist.

And you've met Kate. She's really anal.

I am not anal.

- Do you all live here? - We're not friends. We just share a floor.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I dunno.

I've just got to find somewhere to live

and then I'm just going to be completely on top of this one.

- Can I dump my stuff? - Sure, yeah. I'll show you round the wards.

- I'm about to start the treasure hunt. - We'll just be a couple of secs.

"Sex"!

OK, OK.

Sam and...

Fred.

- Fred? Who's she? - HE lives with us, you moron.

Hi.

Ohh... Oh, Jesus.

Josh and Vicky.

OK, babycakes, your penis is a bit of a problem for me.

We're going to have to forget that exists while we do this, capisce?

- Capisce. - That's my girl.

OK, everybody, let the...

Let the treasure hunt commence!

What are you doing here, Lu?

- Ah, I missed you. - Yeah, and...?

Steven kicked me out, so I left town, did a bit of travelling.

What? Where did you go?

Mainly the Midlands, but I spent a bit of time in Bristol,

which was really intense.

Out the way, out the way.

Hey, Lulu-licious, do you want to, er, swap partners?

No way. You two are perfect for each other.

- Ooh, you're cheeky. I like that. - Red Zone?

- He's hot. - No, he's not.

So, this is new.

Yeah, it's my uku-Lulu.

Can you play?

Even though I know I'm not a lesbian for sure

I sometimes look up lesbian porn

And it really, really, really gets me off.

Yes!

Er, homeless people.

I sometimes feel bad if they have scabs on their faces...

- Oh! - What? - I think my tampon just came out a bit.

Er, can I do anything?

- Yeah, actually, if you could just... - Wow, OK.

- I was joking! - Thank God! - What were you going to do?

- Help you. I don't know! Eugh. - Hey...

You would love my vagina.

She really went for it. Wow!

- Boom. Big one. Lift me, princess. - OK!

Brilliant. This is so much fun.

Hey, we have actually met before,

in the laundry room when you were stealing that girl's... - Oh, shit-fit.

"The envelopes on the ceiling all contain X-rays with the letters of the alphabet hidden in them.

"Find all the letters and they will make up the name of the room the prize is in."

She is so fucking anal. I love her. Let's go.

- Vault me, vault me! - Yes, I will!

Ah!

W!

- Vault me again, vault me again. - Yeah!

So I guess go for it.

- Could I just double check the clue? - No.

She wouldn't have hidden anything in a toilet.

She's not that kind of person. Trust me, I work for her.

Let her surprise you.

It's the most attractive thing a person can do.

So rare to be surprised.