The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

We've been away filming in a sweltering London.

Got a heat wave here

in the capital city, haven't we, Karl?

- It's been hot, right. - It's been up to 100°,

record-breaking temperatures.

- Yeah. - What you been doing though?

Getting to see the place, having loads of walks.

And I like to have walks, you know, watching what people do.

- Like a dog. - Yeah.

When he jumps off the couch

and starts scratching against the door,

Suzanne thinks, "It's time for a little walk."

It's just good thinking time though, isn't it, as well... having a walk?

You've got no other clutter going on around you.

You can just think about a lot of stuff.

And, you know, like say with the weather being hot and stuff,

a lot of insects knocking about.

- Right. - So I've just been watching them.

So... so while we've been filming, you've been watching insects.

Yeah, just seeing... 'cause everybody knows

insects are out there, but no one's keeping an eye on them.

What are they up to? What are you worried about?

Loads. Steve, you wouldn't be laughing like that if you'd watch them,

'cause they do some weird stuff and that is what I mean.

What sort of stuff? Any examples?

Uh...

I saw a bee have a heart attack.

- You saw a bee have a heart attack? - Yeah.

How were you sure it was a heart attack?

'Cause what happened, I've been in...

Did it clutch its chest with all six legs?

Were there some other little bee paramedics?

No no, I'd just been out in the park anyway,

just looking at, you know, caterpillars knocking about,

butterflies and stuff. So I was sort of aware...

So when Suzanne goes to work, she goes,

"Karl, don't you waste the day.

I want you to do some constructive stuff."

But the thing is... So I'd been in the park

and I was aware of the insects that are around us

more than like most of the time.

And I come out of the park, just crossing

like sort of a busy road and what have you.

And I saw this bee to the right of me sort of in the air.

And it was a big one. And I was a bit like,

"Oh, let's watch that."

And, um, it just fell.

It fell from the air in front of me.

And it was on the pavement. And I thought, "Oh, what's going on here?"

And I looked at it for a bit. And it was really still.

Gave it a little kick just to see if there was any movement.

Nothing. Stone sort of...

What's the saying? Stone cold dead.

Yeah.

Stone cold bee dead.

- So uh, that was... - Yeah.

I love the fact that this bee

suddenly saw Karl and had a heart attack.

It had never seen anything that round before.

It just thought... It approached him

because he thought it was a sunflower.

My God, it's a giant walking orange.

Every dream has come true... Argh!

No, but it just summed up life for me. I thought that

that's like us, isn't it, at the end of the day?

They have heart attacks. Stress.

You put it down to stress, do you?

Well, it was in London, isn't it?

You know, everything has stresses from living here.

And they are bald, aren't they? They've got fur all over,

- but they lose their... - And always overweight.

It was a fat bald bee. Oh.

So what did you... It fell to the floor

and you instantly, you just kicked it?

You didn't attempt to revive it?

No, I waited a second and just looked at it

to see if there was any, you know, leg movement or wing.

And there was nothing. And then when I sort of kicked it,

it was sort of hard. It had hardened already. It was just...

- Rigor mortis had set in. - Rigor mortis had set in.

Did it put you in a bad mood for the day?

'Cause I know things like that can just send you over the edge for the day.

Uh, death and that does a bit.

Suzanne doesn't like me talking about death.

What riveting conversations do you come up with?

No, just things like...

One of our mates has had a baby recently

and I just was saying, "Oh, when that's sort of our age,

- we'll nearly be dead. - Think of that.

That's the first thing he says as a new life is brought into the world.

- I know. - "But when he's our age, we'll be dead."

Yeah. Maybe they'll let you do the speech at the christening.

Well yeah, I've been watching loads of stuff.

I've been watching ants. You mentioned ants.

Uh, I've had a lot of moths in the house.

They're sort of...

I mean, you say it like there was a garden party.

Yeah well, but all I'm saying is

I look at more about what its life is like.

'Cause if you watch something long enough, is what I'm saying,

you can see that it's... it's a bit clueless.

It's the same way about ants.

You know, they're hard workers and all that.

I watched one... it's going back and forth all the time.

They go one way and then they stop and go the other way.

They try to look busy in front of the mates. But if you watch one...

If you watch one long enough,

it's back and forwards and it's like it's done nothing there.

I'm gonna carry this twig

back and forth until I can knock off at 4:00.

- There's a lot of that going on. - Is there?

'Course there's not. There's none of that going on.

There is. No, like I say, the moth...

a depressing little sort of thing.

Why is it depressing?

It hasn't got eyes, has it?

You just look at it and it doesn't know what's going on.

I think if you haven't got eyes you shouldn't have wings.

That's a rule? If we could put that into practice, please?

That's a great rule.

- That's a fantastic rule, isn't it? - Yeah.

It hasn't got eyes... It shouldn't have wings.

Oh.

I just was reading something about an octopus that's...

There's like a killer octopus.

And it annoyed me that this was knocking about now.

Because I didn't know. I thought they were quite friendly.

Whenever you see them in cartoons and that,

they're always happy, aren't they? And then suddenly

it sort of brought the whole sort of creature down.

- Do you know what I mean? - No. What do you mean?

Well, just... just, you know,

when you see them in films, they're running about and that

and everybody likes an octopus.

But this one that's on the... It was your fault really,

'cause you told me about that frog that's going about killing people.

- No, I didn't say that. - So I looked it up on the Internet

at, like, other creatures and stuff.

some octopus that's in the sea,

uh, and what it does...

You don't even have to like threaten it.

It just spits in the water.

And if that stuff gets on you,

it does you in.

Again, I'm... hmm.

So in a way it's good knowledge because...

I mean, I don't go in the sea anyway

'cause it's full of stuff like that.

But that's just reassured me that I'm doing the right thing.

If they're knocking about just gozzing everywhere,

uh, you don't en have to be near one.

You don't even know if it's been spitting and stuff.

It can kill you. It just seems unfair.

I haven't harmed it. I haven't gone near it.

Why is it getting annoyed with me?

It doesn't seem right. So that's where knowledge

has... has not helped the octopus out,

because now when you eat them,

I just think, "Yeah, have another one."

Do you know what I mean? "Get rid of 'em."

Another conversation with himself.

Another conversation with himself.

Okay, Karl, I'm just gonna throw an animal at ya.

Tell me how weird it is, what bits annoy you, how you'd change it.

Okay? A crab.

- How would I change it? - Yeah.

Does it annoy you? Do you think it's weird?

Um, they are weird.

But they're at that size where they can get away with it.

Yeah, it suits 'em. Okay, good.

Um, would I change anything?

Um, in a way, you know,

what you're saying about things not working...

He can't walk forwards.

So why hasn't something happened? Why haven't they said,

"Do you know what? These arms are too clumsy.

We need to have 'em so they can slot away easier

and we can pull 'em out when we need 'em

"instead of clumping around with them."

'Cause they do struggle.

You see them struggling with their arms.

Yet they're still here. They still doing that...

they're still designed that way.

What's the weirdest animal? So you think the octopus

- is the weirdest animal on earth? - Yeah.

Why is it any weirder than a dog?

Because it couldn't be further away from us.

A dog has got human eyes.

If a jelly... Honestly, if a jellyfish had a pair of eyes like ours,