Lady Dynamite

So what's the headcount gonna be for Thanksgiving?

Twelve ladies... and Scott.

- Scott? Ding-dong! - Oh.

Way to bury the lead, you whore.

It's just dinner.

No, ma'am, it is not "just dinner." Okay?

When one brings one's S.O. to a holiday dinner,

that signifies a serious commitment.

- I don't think so. - How long you guys been together?

Like six months or something?

- Has it been that long? - Yeah, it's been that long.

Now he's coming to Thanksgiving?

That's a serious fucking relationship, Maria.

Serious effing relationship, Maria.

Please don't fucking agree with me after I agree with you.

We've just been having fun.

Well, that's how it starts.

Don't freak out. Are you freaked out?

Don't freak out, because, Maria...

serious relationships are awesome.

- Mmm-hmm. - Right, Larissa?

Oh, I'm sorry. Fingers don't count. My bad.

What up? What up?

Hey!

Keith and Kenny,

the Lucas brothers.

- Hey. - Hey.

Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink

- And Kenny. - Clink.

- Oh, oh. - Clink.

Hey, Maria.

What's up with that YouTube video?

The one with me and Bert, we're singing songs.

- Nah. Not that one. - Mmm-mmm.

Blueberry and I in the tub?

- No pugs in this one. - Not one pug.

Well, then, I don't want to see it.

- You wanna see this. - No interest.

Okay.

Maria Bamford makes us bulletproof.

Bam, bam!

We cannot be killed. Maria Bamford.

Bam, bam!

- Bam, bam! - Is that me on a t-shirt?

- It's a bit, right? - It has to be

for a comedy tour or something, right?

- No. - You do know that it's trending, right?

All over social media.

For the record,

we don't agree with Oprah.

- Oh. - Yeah.

We don't think it's racist at all.

Oprah. Oh, my, Oprah.

Oh, my sweet Oprah.

Okay. I'm gonna straighten this out.

I'm gonna straighten this out.

I am VICI, Voice Initiated Child Identicate.

I am a small wonder.

No, no!

No, no, no!

You sound like a human being trying to be a robot.

Just be the goddamn robot!

Don't you be wasting my time!

Don't waste Summer's time!

Don't waste Austin's time. You understand me?

Do you want Mommy and Daddy to drive you back to Iowa,

so Daddy can go on sucking off truckers

and your mother can slop the pigs?

Do you? Do you?

Finally, the emotion we've been after all day.

Now turn it off, because you're a robot.

Bruce, I really need to talk to you. Oh, God.

Children.

Yes, my queen. Take five, you talentless twats.

You stink, get some deodorant.

So, how are you, my angel?

Well, not good. Have you seen the video?

The one where you're in the tub with the pugs?

Absolutely delightful.

No, this one.

Wait a second. Those are your t-shirts.

- Oh, my God. Oh... - Bam, bam!

Bruce, why are a bunch of child soldiers in South Sudan

wearing t-shirts with my face on them?

That is an excellent question, my Athenian goddess.

It's one I might call highly unusual

and strange in the utmost...

I am the face of a tween terrorist organization.

- Is that a pitch? - What? No. That is not a pitch.

I'm sorry. It's hard for me to turn it off.

I mean, this biz is so deep in my blood.

Hollywood High, class of Lindsay Wagner.

Bruce, isn't this the same exact t-shirt you pitched me?

My name on it with the words "Bam Bam"?

It is exceedingly odd. I do give you that.

And I also give you my solemn word that...

I will get to the very bottom of it.

Bruce, people are saying mean things about me on social media,

and perhaps more importantly... children are dying.

- Hey, it's Bam Bam. Bam, Bam, Bam! - I gotta go. Okay.

Worry not, my comedy chrysanthemum.

Consider this whole matter completely dealt with.

Bam, bam, bam, bam...

Really, Trevin?

You choose now to do some decent space work?

You unholy bastard. Back to one!

I can't believe I'm the face of a children's militia.

Don't worry about it. Bruce said he had it handled.

Exactly.

Hey, out of curiosity,

do you think Thanksgiving is fraught with meaning

in terms of interpersonal relationships?

Like a signpost, a marker, a milestone of commitment

vis-a-vis one person to another?

Fuck, no. It's just another day.

- Okay. - It's just another dead turkey.

Exactly. That is why this... this works.

Yes, exactly. Okay.

Oh, God.

What's this? Not another video.

Oh, God. Okay.

The "Bam Bam" Child Warriors are taking over significant parts of Northern Chad.

Despite significant efforts from UN Peacekeepers,

the Bam Bam Child Warriors press significantly forward,

expanding their already significant territorial powers.

Their political ideals as vacant as their political guru

and rumored significant financial backer,

Maria "Bam Bam" Bamford.

Financial backer?

It's just the BBC. Nobody takes them seriously.

Look, here's another one.

So, Maria Bamford is in the news this week.

Turns out she's sponsoring a group of child warriors in Africa.

Apparently, you have to be this tall to ride the war.

Oh, God. It's getting worse. There's another one.

The National Children's Spelling Bee is this weekend.

The winner gets a cash prize,

while the losers get to join Maria Bamford's child army.

Can you spell AK-47?

Oh, my God.

I'm getting a text here.

Oh, I hope it isn't about the Bam Bam Warriors.

Oh, no. It's from my buddy, Clark. "Congratulations, Daddy."

- Are you pregnant? - No, I'm 45. That would be unsafe.

- Wait, who told him I was pregnant? - You did, on Twitter.

Oh, social media, what hath thou wrought?

"Fighting is whack! Hashtag, blessed."

Now that...

- That is a great message. - I pretty much get on board with.

"I love children.

Even the brown ones.

I'm having one of my own. Hashtag, double blessed."

- Okay, I did not write that. - Was it Blueberry?

No, I made sure that she has no access to devices.

There's no one who has the password...

God damn it, Bruce!

Bruce, what is going on...

here?

I'm method tweeting. As you. Situation well in hand.

I also happen to be auditioning

for the Venice Beach Outreach Theater's production of Tootsie.

Bruce, this is the plan... that you tell everybody I'm pregnant?

Yes. It's called a relatable narrative.

First, you get all the sympathy, and then wham-o,

you let your hero or your heroine have it.

Bruce, you've got to stop this.

Don't worry, you're going to lose the baby

after a very vigorous horseback riding excursion.

Hashtag, Red Saddle.

Jeez, Bruce, that's dark.

Oh, no. Red Saddle is the name of the ranch.

You thought I meant... Oh. God, no.

Bruce... this is really freaking me out!

Listen, I have some fantastic news,

which I've withheld for dramatic value.

Turns out Kimmel wants you to do the show tomorrow.

Kimmel? Me? The day before Thanksgiving?

Yes to all three. So, what do you say, my sweet?

Are you ready for the big time?

Yes, but are they gonna make fun of me?

Well, maybe. I mean, it's possible, but you can handle this.

I mean, you're a powerful woman, right?

Things were going a lot better with my best friend, Susan.

I even convinced her to let her husband, Paul,

go on a nature retreat with my favorite therapist

from the psych center, Bear Claw.

So what time is Paul coming home?

Oh, who the heck knows?

Two weeks in a spirit ditch with your Indian friend, Bear Claw.

You'd think he could call or text me just once.

Well, there probably isn't service in the spirit hole.

He's not gonna get service in this hole, unless he gives me a call.

Well... I'm proud of you, that you let Paul go on that nature retreat.

I did it to teach him a lesson. He's gonna hate it.

You know, he's not the only one that's exploring their creative side.

- Oh. - I had that awesome directing gig,

recently, and I really got bit by the art bug.

So, I'm secretly taking stand-up workshop down at the community college.

So...

I don't... I don't mean to steal your spotlight, you know,