The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox

Schweine!

- -

- Schweinehund! -

And in case that isn't perfectly clear...

it means you're the biggest shit-head in the city of San Francisco.

- Ta-ta! - Out! Out!

Fifty dollars.

All right, gentlemen, how many cards?

Gimme two.

- Malloy? - One.

Two.

- Your bet, Malloy. - Fifty dollars.

Okay, Malloy, I'm in.

You cheap, two-bit bum! You wanna feel it, you buy it!

You think I'm doin' volunteer work? Keep your hands to yourself!.

Come on, Trixie! Here, have another drink! Be a nice little girl!

Huh?

What do you got, Malloy?

Full house. Aces over kings.

Beats three queens.

Out.

Thank you, gentlemen.

As the saying goes...

the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong...

but that's the way to bet.

See ya next payday.

Somebody drop that?

You did, you son of a bitch.

- Hang that cheating cardsharp! - Get that noose!

- String him up! - "String him up"?

What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that from nice people?

- String him up! -

- Hang him! - String him up!

Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!

Now, let's not get carried away with bloodlust.

Where is our cup of human kindness? Where has it runneth to?

It runneth right up your ass, that's where!

Somebody get the rope!

- Hang him! - Charlie!

Charlie!

God be with you, Charlie Malloy!

And don't ever forget, you're the only one who ever got it for free!

- I'll keep it in mind. -

- - It's the Bloodworths!

- Watch out! It's the Bloodworths! - Charlie!

It's the Bloodworth gang! Hit the dirt!

Go! Get those kids outta here!

Oh-ho! Easy!

Let's get him out of here.

- Easy. -

Come on, boy!

Come on, boy! Come on, Blackjack! Blackjack!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gentlemen, will you help Mr. Malloy to his horse.

Ooh! Easy.

Hey, easy. Easy!

Easy!

Sure would like to thank you, Mr. Bloodworth.

- Forever in your debt. - You bet your ass you're in our debt.

You're gonna help us with a lady to help us pull a job.

- What lady? What job? - Dirtwater.

Oh, can't.Just got kicked out of there for screwing the banker's wife.

That's the lady. You're gonna be real nice to her and get the key to the bank.

- What about the banker? - He's out of town.

- Ain't gonna be any more killin', is there? - Oh, hell, no.

It's just gonna be fast and friendly.

- You think you can be fast and friendly? -

Never been too fast, but I always been friendly.

You better be, boy.

- Come on! - Hyah! Hyah!

Hey-hyah! Hey-yah!

All right, Romeo. She's up there.

She's fat, she's ugly and she's bowlegged.

You don't have to whisper, because she's deaf too!

It's all set up for you. The keys to the bank are under the mattress.

She's on top of the mattress. When you get up there, you grab her by the--

Mr. Bloodworth, I don't tell you how to rob banks.

Don't tell me how to get keys.

Just remember, sonny boy-- fast and friendly.

Got it, Mr. Bloodworth.

Easy. Easy.

- Street's clear. - All right, let's go, boys.

Come on, Malloy.

Holdup! Holdup!

You said there wouldn't be any killing.

You're still breathin', ain't ya, sweet lips?

You wanna keep it that way?

- Yes, sir, Mr. Bloodworth. - Then shut up. Ride!

Let's go.

Aaah! Where were ya?

Huh?

So the Dirtwater sheriff's got himself a posse.

Let's move.

Get the money.

Come on. Get up.

Posse coming. Come on. Get up.

Get goin'.

Come on. Hurry up now.

No, no. Let them take care of him.

- Whoa, horse. - Get the money.

I got the money.

- Hyah! - Hyah!

Well, the old fox finally did it. Didn't he, Blackjack?

They're gonna have themselves some kind of surprise...

when they open up that big bag of what they think

is money and find out it all came from you.

Yes, sir, we're on our way to Australia to spend a little of this 40,000...

on the good life.

There's only one place to catch that boat, and that's San Francisco.

Let's go.

Split at the fork.

We'll meet at the other side of the canyon.

All right, we got 'em off our back.

Let's get the money, divide it up and get outta here.

- What the hell? - What's the matter? What is it?

Forty thousand dollars' worth of horse shit.

Why, that connivin' son of a bitch. Get him!

- Where are we goin', Bloodworth? - San Francisco!

- All right, all right! Hold it down! Hold it down!

And now, our eight little lasses from old Brittania...

the Piccadilly Pixies...

starring the one, the only...

Bluebird of Billingsgate!

Hey, Bluebird!

Staying in town long?

She don't know you're alive.

She's just got a sense of humor, that's all.

Playin' a little game with me. Just watch.

Uh, pardon me, sir. Uh, pardon me, madam.

It, uh, so happens I read palms.

Maybe the little lady would like to know what's in her immediate future.

- Go suck an egg. - I like that, what you said just then.

That's very good. Very good.

Let him read it. Who knows? Maybe there's a spot in there for me.

That's right, stranger. Maybe there's room for all of us.

Oh! Look at that. Look at that.

I tell you, the little lady's got the longest lifeline I've ever seen.

Just look at this. I don't believe it.

Look at that line.

It goes on and on...

and on.

Honk-honk! End of the line!

- -

Here, here, here. What's this? What's this?

All right, that's enough of that.

Come on.

Get off of him!

[CHATTERING, SHOUTING, LAUGHING CONTINUES]

I told you, Bluebird, no more disturbances.

Next time you're gonna get your butt kicked out of here.

Not next time. Now!

Wait a minute--

I've had this dump and every other glorified toilet on the Barbary Coast.

I didn't come all the way from the suburbs of Boston to put up with this crap!

You don't come from no suburbs of Boston.

I do too! I'm one of the Cabots or the Lodges. I forget which.

I got class. I got style. I got talent!

- Balls! - And I wish I had a couple of those.

I wouldn't have to do this kind of work! Ta-ta!

Honk-honk!

Honk-honk!

Okay. Thank you.

Can I help you?

I'd like a ticket to wherever that'll take me.

Fourteen dollars?

That ain't gonna get you to the first comfort station.

Say! Ain't you the Bluebird?

Yes.

I had the pleasure of your company some months back.

I'll never forget that night.

Neither will I.

Tell you what, animal.

How about a stroll down Memory Lane to make up the difference in the ticket?

Bluebird, you just got yourself some first-class transportation.

You wait here. I'll go get my assistant.

Whoa! Ho!

Mr. Wetherly...

I am Josiah Widdicombe of Salt Lake City.

This is Mr. Gladstone, my assistant.

- How do you do? - Howdy.

I trust all arrangements have been made that were requested.

- Oh, yes, sir. Indeed they have. - Good.

We will proceed to the Golden Gate Hotel...

and my wives and children will attend the interviews...

promptly at 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Very good, sir. And we'll take full care of baggage and transportation.

Thank you, Mr. Wetherly.

Who booked that freak show?

That's the famous Mormon, Josiah Widdicombe, and his family.

You mean, he's married to that sewing club? All those kids his?

Part of his religion. He has very strong beliefs.

Must have a pretty strong back too.

He come out here to hire hisself a governess for the children.