Family Guy

Oh, one minute to opening, Everybody!

Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap?

Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete.

Like white track stars.

On your marks, get set.

White guys, go!

I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif Bar before we started.

Everybody else!

I thought they were coming after us.

All right, Everyone, all DVDs are a dollar, and everything must go!

Come on in!

Please be here. Please be here.

Oh, sweet mother of God, there you are!

I'll watch you with the lights off.

Like I would dare.

You're getting Dan in Real Life?

What? I heard it's good. No, I get it.

He's resting his head on pancakes.

It looks hilarious.

The joke, of course, being that one wouldn't generally do that

were there a pillow available.

Oh, my God, Road House!

I want to buy this! Great, and as a bonus, I'll throw in

what Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.

No, thank you. No charge.

I do not want it. But it's free, Sir.

If that DVDs even touches Road House, I will kill you.

Don't worry.

Someday someone will come and take you home for their very own.

Maybe far away

or maybe real nearby

he may be pouring her coffee

she may be straightening his tie.

Help! Somebody!

These drunk, redneck truckers are trying to have their way with me!

Not while my scrotum is pressed up

against my stomach in these jeans, they won't.

Road House.

That was awesome.

And its message is timeless.

The only message in that movie is

that every problem in life can be solved by kicking.

Oh, my God.

Brian, you're right.

I'm joking.

What did you say to me?

Peter, what are you doing? Get off my plane.

That's not even the same... Oh! What the hell?

Not gonna talk to me like that in my bar.

It's not a bar.

Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

Here's your burger, Sir. Thank you.

Sir, I need another $1.25.

Is that right?

Keep the change.

Road House.

Okay, that is the last time you are gonna pull that crap.

You hear me?

Yes. Do you hear me?

Yes.

Now, you are gonna hold down that football until Charlie Brown kicks it.

You got that?

Yes. Go ahead, Charlie.

And you know what else? I did some checking around.

You're not a licensed therapist.

Road House.

You know, it's still early, Peter.

What do you say we horse around a little, huh?

I think I can get on board with that.

Road House. For God's sakes,

if you're gonna do that, at least aim for my breasts.

Oh, yeah.

Road House.

I don't think you should be driving with your feet.

Road House.

Wait. Why you taking the back way home? There are so many turns.

Road House.

Road Hou... Roa... Road...

Road Hou... Roa... Roa...

Road Hou... Road Hou... Road...

Roa... Road...

Road House.

Road House.

My God!

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

Sorry. I wasn't really looking where I was going.

Probably a little blame on our side too. Road House?

Well, I guess we're just lucky nobody got hurt.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

But, uh, you know, I sort of have one other problem.

Maybe you can help me out. What's that?

I have a dinner reservation for two tonight at Dominick's,

and it's just me. I see your problem.

I think I might be able to help.

Ma'am, you want me to kick those dents out for you?

Peter, we've had complaints from all over town.

You're gonna have to stop with the kick.

Oh, yeah? I think my scary, otherworldly, shadowy, spirit friends

might have something to say about that.

Ghost.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Brian. I'm here to pick up Nicole.

Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom.

You must be the one she had that fender bender with.

I got to meet Nicole, so I prefer to think of it as a happy accident. Is she ready?

Unfortunately, she left for dinner with another guy about half an hour ago.

What? We had a date.

Yeah, I'm afraid that's Nicole. She's 21 and gorgeous.

Guys ask her out all the time, and I-I think she loses track.

Oh, for God's sake.

Let me at least leave my car insurance information for her.

Is that... Your condom?

No! I... I mean, I mean, I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter.

I wouldn't... I would not... I would not se a condom on your daughter.

I mean, I-I-I would,

if I was having sex with her, which obviously, I would not do.

But If I mean... I'm safe and all, I get an Aids test once every three months.

And-and-and not because I... I...

You know, it's not because I have a lot of sex.

I just eat a lot of poo off the street.

Come to think of it, how did this get in my wallet in the first place?

"Dear Brian,

"Somewhere between the point when you're excited enough to want it

and too excited to care, think about your future.

Your friend, Stewie."

I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening. Sorry to bother you.

If it's any consolation, I would never have stood you up.

Well, I guess that makes you one of the rare ones nowadays.

Your husband's a lucky guy. Divorced.

Well, at the risk of humiliating myself once again,

I still have a reservation.

Well, I don't have plans. Terrific.

Hey, maybe I'll get to use this after all, huh?

I'm-I'm just... I'm kidding. Oh, please.

At my age, I don't have to worry about pregnancy.

How old are ya?

Oh, you don't want to know! I kind of do.

Hang on. Just let me get my purse, and we can go.

Wow. She seems great.

We're getting along better than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.

You want to smoke some crack?

I love you.

Get the (bleep) crack!

You want some lasagna?

Oh, no, thanks. Rita and I grabbed a bite already.

Gosh, you've been seeing this Rita for weeks now,

and you still haven't brought her over to the house.

When are we gonna meet the lovely lady, huh?

Oh, she's being ironic.

What are you saying, I don't date lovely women?

You got it. You got it.

No, it just seems like some of your past girlfriends

have been a little dumb and trampy.

First of all, that's not true,

and second of all, she's not like that. She's wonderful, she's smart, she's pretty.

The only reason I haven't brought her around is that you guys don't always make

the best impression with girls I date.

Especially Peter.

Hey, aren't you that chick from the bathroom door?

Come on, Peter. She doesn't want to talk about work.

What's it like in there?

I assume it's like how it is in the men's room.

Oh, there's a long trough with a big poo in it?

You know, Brian, the past few weeks have been great.

I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun dating somebody.

I can remember the last time I have: Never.

That's the writer in you, Brian.

Did you always know that's what you wanted to do?

Well, actually, I really thought I was going to be an actor at one point.

I even got a few high profile gigs.

Really? Anything I've seen?

Oh, you ever heard of a tiny, little independent movie

called Die Hard?

Wow! You were in that? Sure was.

What do you say we go back to my place and I'll show it to you?

Sounds good to me.

We'll have to be a little quiet, everyone's asleep.

Have a seat.

Okay, watch this. This is my scene.

Doesn't make sense, Man.

Don't ask me, Man. I'm just a desk jockey who was on my way home when you rang.

The way you drove that car, I figured you for the street, Al.

In my youth.

Here it comes. Watch, watch.

We've had situations

where the hostages have embraced their captors after their release,

and even corresponded with them in prison.

No, no, no, Darling. Asian Dawn.

Dawn, D - A - W - N.

Sir? I... Yeah?

Sir, the FBI is here.

Hold... The FBI is here now ?

Yes, Sir. Right over there.

Hold this.

Want a breath mint?

Breath mint.

I ad-libbed that line.

Well, I had no idea I was dating a famous actor.

Should we go upstairs? Sounds good to me.

That's right, Shia, give me all you got.