Cougar Town

We are so lucky

the hurricane only damaged Grayson's house.

- Mm. - Yes.

That was really lucky.

I love that you guys are forced

to live here together until your place is fixed.

It's like "The Real World,"

if they did it with old and boring people.

You know what my wake-up present was this morning?

This one forgot to flush her pee.

It's called "being green."

I'm sorry I care about the future of our planet.

Think of the children.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize

you were so passionate about the environment.

Just try to know me, okay?

Okay. Bye.

Forgot to flush, didn't ya?

Yeah.

I need coffee.

I was up all night on my computer

with army boyfriend Wade bumpin' cyber-uglies.

When I busted open my American flag bra, it was like,

Tali-bam!

Enough sex talk. It's not fair to lover boy over there.

Look at him. He's glazed over, just counting the seconds

till he can get to his room for a solo sesh.

- Seriously? - Would you leave him alone?

You know, what you do up there is your business.

Praying for death right now.

What? It's so natural. I do it.

Ohh. That's gonna leave a mark. I will have my revenge,

but I need to shut it down for a minute.

Ellie is just jealous

because when it comes to bringing the sexy,

I am like a heart attack in a thong.

Seriously. One time I killed a guy

and brought him back without even stopping.

That is a fake story.

I feel sorry for all the unemployed drifters

that have had to watch you flail around naked

like you're being electrocuted.

"What?"

"It's so good."

Besides, I am much sexier than you.

Okay. You both have your strengths.

- You are creative. - Yes.

You're flexible.

You've got daddy issues, which... that's always fun,

and you're classy,

but you have a dark side that draws you in.

I'm like the Dexter of sex.

I love you, and then I will kill you.

In order to prove who's better,

you have to find somebody you've both slept with.

Okay, so I went through your lists of sexual partners,

and, uh...

Let me tell ya, that's a lot of names.

Ohh.

Hos. Anyway, meet our hero...

Vincent Hawthorne.

Vincent.

I helped him blow through his trust fund in the '90s.

You must have done a good job, because in 2007,

he was "Vinny,"

and he worked at a car wash in Tampa.

Ohh. Vincent, no.

Wow. You guys weren't gonna move in together

until you got married.

This is a big deal.

It doesn't seem like it.

Nope.

Lynn's off her game today.

I'm not off my g--

You just got here.

Anyway, you know how I never like to toot my own horn.

Wow.

About us moving in together-- It's not a big deal

because I am incredibly easy to live with.

Merp!

That's the noise I'm gonna make

every time you toot your own horn.

You know I hate when people use noises for words.

Look, I know you guys think it's gonna be easier

because you've both been married before,

but sometimes it works against you.

Sometimes people place their ex's baggage

onto their current partner.

That's dumb.

I know, right?

Survey says...

I feel like you're not even trying.

What? Earlier today, I got a man

to say "I'm sorry" to his wife for the first time.

Okay, granted, that's not going to unstrangle her.

- Grr. - Oh.

Help me, Lynn.

Tell my story.

Oh.

Bobby, you can't drink wine on the couch anymore.

You always spill.

Do not.

Wine.

Motor oil.

Mustard.

I mean, how do you even get mustard on the ceiling?

Mustard fight. He started it.

By daring you to start a mustard fight.

Oh, you're just as messy as me.

Oh, really?

White shirt challenge.

First person who gets a stain on their shirt loses.

No napkins. No mercy.

Game on.

Great.

Oh, would you like a burrito?

- Mm. - Go out for it.

Ooh!

- I'm open! - It's a trick!

I just did that to my own house.

Yeah. I-I remember both of you two.

What's up, girls? You want to come over... together?

Oh, that would settle it.

No.

Hey, Vinny, do you remember when we first met

and I asked you if you were that actor

from "The Fast And The Furious"...

And you said yes, and then we had sex

that was so hot...

I totally forgave you for lying?

- What's going on? - Shh!

Vincent, remember that summer in The Hamptons

we made love all weekend at your beach house?

I'll be back.

Here are some highlights to jog your memory--

Champagne, stable,

a horse that wanted to look away but couldn't.

Stable? I can't even get her on the daybed.

Okay, all adults, please stop sharing with me.

Hey, Vinny, buddy, uh, this doesn't end

till you say who was sexier, so...

Yeah, got to go with Ellie.

- No! - Yes!

Oh! I have to stretch.

I don't want to pull a muscle when I get my gloat on.

Come on! I was gonna do air splits!

You know, living with you is going to be a cakewalk.

Ohh.

You know, it's tricky to walk around holding a bunch of cakes.

I think that "cakewalk" should mean something really hard.

No. I hate it when you do that, okay?

You can't change the meaning of phrases.

Agree on the change?

Change approved.

No, you...

You...

I'm gonna go walk around the house...

And calm down.

Okay. Have a good time, sweetie.

He does that now.

Oh, can you believe my shrink?

Grayson and I are not gonna have

a hard time living together.

Eh.

Okay, that is my least favorite noise-for-word substitute

because you only do it when you think I'm being dumb.

You are being dumb.

Halfway finished.

Feeling better.

Really sharing a house is like being trapped

in a submarine forever.

At some point,

someone's gonna freak, open the hatch, and kill everyone.

Oh, please. You sound like Lynn.

She's going through something.

Oh.

- Hey, yo, Earth Day. - Mm.

I found these plastic bottles in your trash.

Oh, yeah.

I meant to separate them and put them...

In whatever you put them in.

Okay. I'm not gonna be able

to keep this up.

I'm not green.

I just said that 'cause I was embarrassed

to say I forgot to flush.

PS-- I did it again five minutes ago.

I mean, I've been living with you for one day,

and now you're already lying to me?

Oh, it feels great, Jules,

you know, to live in a house of lies.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Dude.

Okay. I-I know that you're giving me a smug look,

so I'm not gonna look at you.

Come on. It's so good!

Nope.

Lies!

Lies!