Rules of Engagement

How is the French toast?

So good you'll think you're in Paris.

Really?

Look, this is a diner.

We got an ex-con back there

slinging three-day-old bread on a dirty grill.

How's the French toast...

She is not a fan of yours.

She's jumping on the bandwagon.

We've been there since the beginning.

Friends, Mr. Dunbar is right behind me.

Oh, please do yourselves a favor and ask him how his cruise went.

Hey, if it isn't the cast of "cirque du so lame."

Hey.

So how was your cruise?

Great!

How are you guys?

That's the important thing.

Oh, how is the new job going?

Wait, sir...

Are you sure there's nothing more you wish to share

about your high seas adventure?

Uh, oh, yeah.

Ran into someone I used to know.

It's actually no big deal.

Hmm...

Well, hello there, youngish lady.

Well, hello, Russell.

Oh, for sake!

Liz?

God, what a small world.

It's not that small. Liz fits in it.

Anyway, so that's my story.

Hmm, is it?

Nothing else happened of note?

I told you this in confidence.

You could be fired for this.

I've long since given up on that fantasy.

You know, if you're not going to tell it,

I'd be more than happy to--

no, no, no. Fine, fine, fine, fine.

I got it.

Okay, um, after a couple of mango-ritas, uh...

Liz and I got into a classical nautical argument which there's

only one way to solve.

You were right, lover.

It was the motion of the ocean.

You see, the size of the ship has nothing to do with it.

Prove it to me again, sailor.

Oh.

Permission to come aboard?

Granted.

Oh, no thanks.

Can you wrap mine to go, please?

Just throw mine away.

Well, that's the end of my story.

Is it?

Is there not just a skosh more?

You know how sometimes you say something you really don't mean?

Oh, I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Rules Of Engagement S06E01 "Dirty Talk"

I only wish I could have been there to give you away.

So you are married.

To Liz.

Our upstairs neighbor, Liz.

With seven cats.

All of whose names are on her outgoing message.

Yeah, I mean but listen.

We were so drunk, it's not like it's real.

There's my hubby.

Look what you bought me.

Here's the receipt.

Congratulations, Liz.

I'm sure you'll be very... something.

Oh, yes, and we're going to have so much fun double-dating

now that we've each bagged our bucks.

Okay...

Not here.

The guy who mops up the vomit.

You might want to keep him on standby.

Liz, we had fun on that cruise.

That was a great time.

But this whole marriage thing.

That's--that's just a goof, right?

You mean a beautiful goof that will join our lives together

'til the end of time?

I actually meant the other kind of goof.

Anyway, I was just at the dmv getting a new license.

Notice anything?

That you lost 20 pounds while you were there?

No, this.

Ah.

You took Mr. Dunbar's name.

Yep.

Elizabeth kornblatt-Dunbar.

Wow, three names.

I'm like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

In what way, exactly?

LMAO, Jeff.

Anyway, I've got an ingrown toenail that needs excavating.

So I will swing by your officina for lunch.

Okay.

Soul mate.

I cannot believe that Russell and Liz got married.

I know.

It's hard to figure out who loses more.

Should we get her something?

Like some kind of basket?

Of what?

Antibiotics and ointments?

Hey, Audrey.

Just going roof-side, do some reading, catch some rays.

What're you reading?

Um... busted.

I'll see you later.

Jeff leaves, all I get is a fist bump and a warning

to avoid the bathroom for a while.

Well, Adam and I have only been together

for a couple of years.

Oh, no, Jeff and I were only together about six months

before he started bringing food into the bed.

Ooh, like whipped cream and stuff?

No, like a hoagie.

One more thing for him to finish before me.

You know what works for us?

Talking dirty.

Does Jeff do that?

God, no.

He's way too repressed.

Although one time he did say some pretty nasty things

when his hoagie rolled onto the floor.

Hey.

Hey.

Whatcha doing?

Watchin' the tube, thinking about having a hoagie.

I have an idea that might make you re-think that hoagie.

You wanna order up some wings?

No.

I thought maybe we'd fool around.

Really?

Why not?

I don't know.

You're usually the keeper of the reasons "why not."

And maybe when we're doing this, you could uh... you know...

Say some things.

What kind of things?

You know, things about what we're doing.

Oh, you mean like sex talk.

Yeah.

Well...

You know that I'm not much of a talker.

So, how 'bout we do our thing.

And then afterwards we can have a brief q & a.

Come on.

Let's mix it up a little, it might be fun.

All right, hey, I guess I could give this a shot.

All right.

All right...

Here comes the sex talk.

Yeah, bring it.

I'm doing a little bit of work up here... on these.

As I'm sure you can attest.

Yes, Jeff. I can attest.

By the way, you can loosen your grip.

They're not going to run away.

Got it, well, the plan is to do a little more work up here.

And then I'm gonna pack it up, head down South.

Head down South?

Well, if north is your head.

No, no, I get it. I get it.

Maybe you can, you know, be a little more specific.

Roger that.

My right hand is on your right breast.

Well, my right, your left, but I...

Okay.

- What? - That was a fun experiment.

That's wasn't what you wanted?

No, no, nobody wants that.

All right.

- Would it be all right... - Yes, go ahead.

Hey.

What the hell happened to you, braveheart?

Well, I was tanning on the roof

and I fell asleep on one side.

Stupid sun.

Not sure it's the sun that comes off as stupid.

I'm just gonna tan the other side, even everything out.

Solid plan.

Let me ask you something.

Do you ever talk dirty to Jen?

Oh, yeah. All the time.

Must be where Audrey got it.

Last night she asked for dirty talk.

From you?

Well, how'd it go?

Not well. What do you say?

Oh, man, you say all kinds of things, you know?

I mean, I tell Jen what I'm about to do to her.

And then I want her to tell me what she's gonna do to me.