The Critic

This is Howard stern.

I want to apologize to the following groups:

Latinos, native Americans,

and mothers against drunk drivers.

I guess the only one i can make fun of

is that fat film critic, Jay sherman.

It stinks.

Tonight, Clint Eastwood returns as "dirty Harry"

in Beverly hills robo-canine cop-and-a-half ii.

Listen, Callahan. Your partners have a way of dying on you.

So I got you a new rookie.

Fresh from the academy. Hi.

That's a new one on me.

All right, Callahan,

I've got some new partners for you:

A woman, a cute little kid,

an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.

I'll be your lucky charm.

Swell.

Now, look:

You don't like me and I don't like you,

but we're in this together. Any questions?

Can I go potty?

For the last time, no.

You think you got problems.

I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, siamese twins,

a sofa, and a second-rate mime.

Hey, I'm stuck in a box. I can't get...

oh, well. I've created a new scale

that shows which diseases I'd rather have

than watch this movie.

Well, we're past scurvy, leprosy,

unidentified yellow discharge,

and the winner is: Spastic colon.

Good night.

Hold on there a minute, chumly.

I'm on the phone with the spastic colon people,

and they're not happy.

I'm on my way to my son's slumber party.

I really appreciate you helping out.

You're welcome.

But I'm not sure I like penny hangin' around

with these older, New York types.

She might pick up bad habits.

Oh, come on.

You worry too much.

See you tomorrow, honey.

Goodbye, darling.

I hope your toches feels better.

See what I mean?

Son, are any more of your friends

from the u.N. School coming?

Just that funny-looking kid from easter island.

I don't know where he is.

Greetings, earthlings. We come in peace.

We bring you new techniques to end world hunger...

Yeah!

We bring you cures for all known disease...

Yeah!

Kids, this is Jimmy Carter.

I've met with these peaceful aliens.

And as the worst president of this century, I urge...

Yeah!

I must taste blood.

Jay, my daughter's been at your party for 5 minutes,

and already she wants to taste blood.

Yeah, but when she says it, it sounds so cute. "Blood."

That's it. We're outta here.

Children, I denounce you and your violent ways.

We're gonna watch nice, wholesome, a.B.C. T.V.

Dan, a lesbian kissed me.

Can she live in the basement?

Oh...

Kids, no t.V. Either.

All right, listen up.

We're gonna sit and tell stories,

and I'm gonna give a prize for the best one.

What about war stories?

My father was a pilot during the Gulf war.

My father too played a pivotal role in the Gulf war.

He wrote a big check.

Well, my dad is a Gulf war hero.

Really?

I don't think so, Martin.

Well, no.

No, I... it's true.

Here's a photo of me with president bush

after I came back.

George Bush?

The man who vomited on our prime minister.

We call him puko-San.

Tell us your story, Uncle Jay, please.

Yeah, tell us.

Yeah, tell us, Uncle Jay.

Oh, I shouldn't. It's my best story.

I just use it to impress women.

Wait a minute. You're a woman!

What gave me away?

If I told you, you'd slap me.

The year was 1991.

I had received an invitation

to the prestigious Baghdad film festival.

A large humus and a small goat.

Excellent choice, sir.

And so the festival began, with films like

bill and akhmet's excellent adventure,

the towering infidel and brown acres.

what's next? My mother, the camel?

Thank you.

- Iraq was on the brink of war. - I was about to get out.

Then fate intervened.

Baghdad airport, and step on it.

Sure thing, Mac.

You're from New York?

Yeah. I'm part of the cabby exchange program.

Yeah, see, they send all the foreign cabbies to New York,

while all the New York cabbies come here.

That way, no cabby speaks the language

of the country he works in.

That is the stupidest...

now, don't worry. I'll get you to the airport.

I know a shortcut through the desert, over here.

- Aw, nuts! - Camel crossing.

Freakin' camels. Move your humps!

So, who do you like in the Gulf war?

I'm bettin' on the U.S.

Meanwhile, back in America...

We interrupt hee haw: The next generation

for a special news report.

Good evening. The air campaign against Iraq has begun,

but we are fortunate enough to have a correspondent

on the scene in downtown Baghdad.

Come in, Jay sherman.

- I don't wanna die! - I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna die!

Jay, we're live.

Hello, movie fans. Sherman here.

As I stand here at the crossroads of history,

one thought comes to mind:

I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Mr. sherman, please tell us more of your story.

Yeah! Yeah!

I heard the Iraqis used chemical weapons.

Were you exposed to any?

Um, just a smidge.

That's better. Anyway...

Every night the planes would come

and let loose their destruction.

Back at home, my boss was very upset.

Would you look at these ratings?

Ted Turner's killing us. It's that tomahawk chop.

Well, I've been workin' on my own visual.

Well, what do you think?

Uh, it's very similar

to what the Nazis used, sir.

Oh. Uh, do you think they'd mind?

Uh, about Jay sherman, sir.

He's trapped in Baghdad.

Great! I want him reporting around the clock.

What do you think of this gesture?

Sir, I think it's rather

Wonderful.

This is p.N.N.

Duke, stop that.

Here I am in Baghdad, standing in front of one

of the many, many, many, many,

many, many, many pictures of Saddam Hussein.

He's everywhere, just like Madonna,

only with fewer enemies and a smaller moustache.

It's hour 10 of our coverage.

Scud missiles continue to fly but do very little damage.

Ow!

And that's how you get rid of a boil.

It's hour 35 of our coverage now,

and I thought I'd show you pictures from my wallet.

Here's me as a baby.

And here's me the day I got thrown out of the Bronx zoo.