The A Word

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

Oh, he's here!

Thanks, lads!

Hello. Thanks.

You're a genius. What are you?

A genius!

Right.

Right. No music and no presents until you've got ready, Mister.

Pull your arm out... there you go, off you pop.

Rebecca! I need help! Joe, your party clothes are on the bed.

I see you're doing what you can for the childhood obesity epidemic.

It's the whole class. There's 30 of the little buggers.

- Is that what you're wearing? - No. You're hallucinating. Yeah. Why?

- Are there any Cheerios? - Any word from Eddie and his whore of a wife?

No. Let's be kind and supportive to both him and his whore of a wife...

It's never going to work.

She cheated on your brother. Not you.

You really don't understand family, do you?

Not yours, I don't.

Good lord. Did you need planning permission for that cake?

Party bags! Dad.

So, they need a toy. A book. Packet of sweets.

Tattoo stickers, bookmarks, Super Ball and baseball cap in each.

What happened to a balloon and a slice of cake?

And just make sure Joe's centre stage.

- Of course. - You know what you're like when there are other kids around

that laugh at your jokes more than he does, hm?

Joe's birthday, Joe's day. And don't hog the karaoke, either!

Karaoke? At a five-year-old's birthday party?

Joe's birthday.

Joe's day.

- Are you ready to dance...? Yeah!

Let's go!

Rock Lobster by The B-52s

I want to see those moves. I want to see those moves, that's it.

Turn around.

Go on, Joe!

Anybody moving? Let me have a little look.

No.

OK, I bet next time I'll be able to catch one of you out!

You ready?

Joe! Joe! Joe! The music's stopped.

Joe! - Joe!

Joe!

OK, Joe's out, don't worry!

Oh, a little girl there, Lucy, is it?

I think your head was moving a little bit, lovely.

I wasn't moving.

Just a little bit.

- Just a little, love. - I think you were.

Well done.

OK! Ready?

OK! Here we go!

Any word from the entertainer?

Sat nav problems.

What? I thought she was a mermaid.

How's that going to stop her needing sat nav?

Oh, I'm thinking of dolphins.

Is the camera charged, Dad?

I thought I was on party bags.

Lucy Merrick was not moving her hand, by the way.

You want your own son to be the first one out on his birthday?

No. But knocking Lucy out, it drew attention to Joe, didn't it?

It's Joe's day. He should be the centre of attention.

Oh, eh, who can that be?

Hi!

Well done for finding us!

Sea Lily. Underwater theme.

The trailer... No, no, no, no...

Oh, great!

Summat wrong?

Yes. But nothing that should bother you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dad. Can I just park the thing, OK? You're not helping.

Is that more parking semaphore or humility. I can never tell!

Eddie. At least get the car parked before we start an argument, hey?

Did you hire a hooker for a kid's birthday party?

Oh, right!

- Did you adjust the pressure for that load? - What?

Doctor. How are you?

I'm very good, thank you, and you?

Good. Yes. Good. Look.

No cancer! Again!

Good.

Only teasing, you know.

Um...

So you're, er, going to walk to the kerb from there, are you?

It's an old Woody Allen joke. 1977. Misquoted.

But up here counts as cutting-edge humour.

Eddie? Keys!

Now we're underwater, deep in the ocean...

We just have to be really careful of the jellyfish...

Look who I found lurking around outside.

Sorry about the timing.

We tried to call but no signal.

Don't worry at all.

You made it just in time to sing Happy Birthday.

It's lovely to see you.

You've lost weight.

Have I?

Hi, Alice.

That's it! Keep swimming, all the way up.

What a beautiful cake!

Did you buy it or make it yourself?

Jellyfish! Swim away!

Did we hug yet?

I'll get you a drink.

Hey!

Now just be careful,

you don't want to be stung by a jellyfish!

Joe. Birthday boy! You are Neptune.

My assistant. I need you.

- Now, if all the little fishes... - Did they hire an hooker? - ..and the turtles are very quiet...

I already made that joke.

Then something special might be coming for Neptune!

Sh!

Not yet, not yet, not yet, Joe!

You've got your candles to blow out, haven't ya?

Eh, come on, come on, mate.

Look, all your friends are waiting for you to blow your candles out.

Go on.

Come on, then, top lad! There we go!

Make way for the birthday boy!

Eh, Joe, come on. On your feet lad, big boy.

- It's all right... - Hey Dad, Dad, leave him. Dad, leave him.

Joe? Joe? You've got a really cool birthday cake.

I think he's just a bit tired, you know.

Joe, you want to see your cake, don't ya?

It's got an octopus and fishes and seaweed on it.

Just a minute.

It's just...

Mekons. 1978. Where Were You?

- Yay! - Well done!

Shall we blow your candles out? OK! Good lad!

Good lad, there we go.

Get yourself to the cake.

Why does there have to be something wrong with everyone?

OK! I'm wrong, let's change the subject.

Like my dad's bowel cancer.

Your dad had all the symptoms.

Yes. Apart from bowel cancer.

I do know a bit about child development.

I did do a paediatric rotation.

Hardly likely to forget that, am I?

Mum was right about the balloons.

The boys just hit each other with them, then lie on them till they burst.

Must be a breast-envy thing.

Most things are.

You all set for the new job, Eddie?

Hardly new, is it?

Is that the enthusiasm you showed your London customers? No wonder you went bust.

When did we stop ripping presents open as soon as they came in through the door?

When one little boy told his old Auntie

he had Buzz Lightyear already and was scared of him anyway.

- I was ten years old, Dad. - How do you know I was talking about you?