Hitmen

Oh God, ah!

Look, stop struggling.

- We've got you, come on!

- What were you even thinking climbing over here?

- I do not know, okay, I panicked!

People do really weird things when they've got a gun

pointing in their face!

- Shh, can you keep your voice down, please?

- Help, they're trying to kill me!

- Fran, I don't think I can hold him for much longer.

Help!

- Look, mate, we're just trying to do our job.

Why don't we pull you up, you can get warm,

and then we'll kill you in a civilized manner.

Somebody, please!

- Oh God, if we let go of you, you're gonna die anyway.

All right, okay, you win,

but I will need a little headstart when we get up there.

All right, five seconds.

10?

- Oh God, mate, uh, all right, 10 seconds.

Jamie, time it.

- Great. - No, no!

Jamie, Jamie, no!

No, shit!

Shitting hell!

Do you still need me to--

- I think that ship might've sailed, mate.

* Getting hard to sleep but it is in my dreams *

* But it's killing me to try and figure it out *

- As you know, if I get less than six hours, God.

I mean, the fluid, it just--

- Matey, for the last time--

Last swell.

- You haven't got eye bags.

They're pert little sacks.

- Who wants pert little sacks hanging off their face?

It's Joao, to be honest.

He can't get to sleep without the sound

of the Amazonian Rainforest at full pelt.

Oh, man, that is not ideal.

- When I agreed to marry him I thought,

oh, look, there's a lovely gay man that I've met at Pride,

he wants a visa.

Wouldn't think that six months later I'd be kept awake

by the sound of howler monkeys in heat.

- That's the last thing you want on your special day.

- No, well, to be honest, I didn't feel

much like celebrating anyway.

- Happy birthday, by the way.

Shut up in the back.

- I've already bought everything for the big

birthday dinner at mine tonight.

And it was supposed to be a surprise,

but now obviously I've--

- That's so lovely, that's really sweet of you.

So who's coming?

Oh, all the best ones.

Uh, we're talking you, me.

- What that's it, just us? - Yep.

- Just us? - And a takeaway?

- But that's, that's like every Friday night,

that's not a surprise!

- Well, I called round and everyone who picked up

said they were busy, even Joao.

- Jamie, I've told you, the Brazilians,

they're a quiet, reserved people.

You know, they don't have a big party culture out there.

Anyway, you must've asked other people, what about Patrick?

Oh, yeah, Patrick said yes.

Oh, great.

- Then I told him it was your birthday dinner

and he suddenly remembered he had

to go to his mom's funeral.

She, she died six years ago.

- And they're only burying her now?

- No, Jamie, it's obviously an excuse.

I can't believe that no one else is coming.

- Do you think it's something to do with what happened

at your birthday last year?

I think it was probably a mistake to go

straight from that job to the karaoke bar.

Can I just say, in my defense,

I had no idea that place was lit with UV lighting,

and if I had, well, I would've changed

my clothes after the hit.

- I mean, how did they know it was blood?

Could've bene urine.

Or semen.

- Can I just say it definitively was not semen.

But I had a whole day planned.

Well, I'm sorry.

This muppet decided to wear a wire to Mr. K's meeting,

so now we've got to deal with him.

- But we've already sat here for hours

waiting for Mr. K to call.

You don't wanna waste your precious birthday, Fran,

waiting to, you know.

- I can hear everything.

K-I-L-L him.

- Yeah, and I can spell.

It's kind of a requirement of getting a law degree.

I didn't have any choice.

It was either wear a wire or do 25 years!

Yeah, whatever, pal.

Mr. K said we sit and we wait,

and that's what we're gonna do.

- So why don't we do the birthday stuff in here?

- Because that would be super weird.

- Oh, go on, now the adrenaline's worn off,

I'm actually pretty bored back here.

Yeah, well nobody asked you.

Let's put this to the vote.

Those in favor of celebrating Fran's birthday

within the van, raise your hand.

- If I could raise my hand I would.

You know, I love birthdays.

- Yeah, well you don't get a vote, do you?

It's two to one.

We are celebrating.

Woo-hoo!

("Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Keith?

Yeah.

It's Fran.

That was my good ear, it's Fran.

Oh, hey, Fran.

It's my birthday today.

Okay, and I was just having some people round tonight.

- Next customer, please.

- Hello, um, how you doing, mate?

Can I have a birthday McFlurry for my best friend, please?

- Birthday isn't a flavor.

- Okay, two Smarties, please, what do you want?

Don't ask him!

Why not?

We don't have to feed him,

we just need to take care of him until Mr. K calls.

- After Eight, please.

Do you do After Eight?

- No, that promotion ended months ago.

- Okay, they don't have After Eight.

What?

- Yeah, it was a promotion thing, it's ended.

Ask again.

- No, no, don't ask again, don't ask--

- Are you sure about the After Eights?

- Listen to me, mate,

you are not hearing me.

I can't make you an After Eight McFlurry

if I literally don't have the After Eight stuff.

Could you try improvising?

- I haven't got it!

- Oh. - Well, all right!

Keep your hair on.

- I think he's, I think we've had a definitive answer

on the chocolate and the mint.

I love you dearly, it's quite close proximity.

Sorry.

- Did you have lasagna last night?

I did, yeah.

- Wow, and it's still very much in the mix.

* Hey, hey, all right

* Jump up, get it, hey

- I can't believe you actually made him

an After Eight McFlurry.

- Well we have to something

while we wait for Mr. K to call.

- You have arrived at your destination.

- Yeah, it's good. - Do you want some more?

- Yeah, fine, yeah, hold on.

Can you taste the After Eight?

Who's that?

I don't know.

Hi.

Hello, are you Fran?

Who's asking?

Human Spider.

Right.

- Are you the stripper I ordered?

Did you order a stripper?

Um, no, The Human Spider.

The agency called and said you needed me

for a birthday party.

- Well, there must have been a mix up.

I thought I'd ordered a stripper.

- Oh, well, they do those as well, you know,

strippers, gorilla-grams, magicians, freaks, whatever,

I just go where I'm told really.

- Great, well, I'm telling you to just piss off to Wales.

- Well, hang on, he's here. - Yeah.

You love animals.

Yeah, I do, I love animals.

I mean, I love cats and dogs and donkeys,

I'm just not that into grown men dressed as Spider-Man.

- No, not Spider-Man, every time, God.

A Human Spider, there's a big difference, pal.

Do you wanna pop round?

Yeah, sure.