Splitting Heirs

People said there was a curse on the dukes of Bournemouth.

The seventh duke lost all his hair in a bet.

In 1640, the fifth duke, while on a drinking spree,

went to church on a cow and set fire to the choir.

He fled to France, where he lived and subsequently died,

under the illusion that he was a footstool.

The ninth duke married his horse

and scandalized society by riding his wife at Ascot,

where she came in third in the second race.

In the 1920s, the 12th duke

was present at the opening of the tomb of King Tutankhamen.

In the excitement which followed,

he was accidentally bitten on the buttock by a deranged donkey

and died three days later.

Forty years later, the 14th duke

became a victim of the '60s.

He didn't die, but married an American,

a model, Lucinda,

who, in those days, called herself "Available Space".

They had a baby

who would one day become the 15th duke of Bournemouth.

They christened him simply

Thomas Henry Butterfly Rainbow Peace.

He was accidentally abandoned in a restaurant.

Left behind like a tip.

I was so happy all of the time

With my baby, I was oh-so fine

Oh, my God! We've forgotten the baby!

Oh, shit.

By the time they remembered him,

he had disappeared in his Moses basket

with only a monogrammed blanket and a silver rattle.

Darling, do you remember the baby's name?

The curse of the Bournemouths had struck again.

Someone came and stole my baby away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Someone came and stole my whole life away

I was so happy all of the time

With my baby, I was oh-so fine

But you came right along and knocked me for a song

You took everything that should be mine, mine, mine, mine

Someone came and stole my happiness away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Now somehow that someone's gonna have to pay

I lost my baby when he stepped in

He took my life and everything

He stole my baby, now I'm so blue

Tell me what to do

Someone came and stole my baby away

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Someone came and stole my happiness today

He came along, he did me wrong

Now my whole life's gone

Someone came and stole my whole life away

He's gonna have to pay, some way

He's gonna have to pay, some day

Yes, he's gonna have to pay

More reports of the puma

that has been terrorizing residents living on the Bournemouth estate.

Gita, turn that off.

You'll be late for school.

Now, go to the bathroom and wash.

I can't, Mom. Ranji's in there.

Still? What does he do in there?

Ranjit! Come out of there at once!

Ranjit, you'll be late for your work.

Ranjit Patel! Come out here at once!

Oh, all right, Mum! I'm sorry.

Bye, everybody.

Bye, Ranji.

See you later.

I, too, suffered from the curse of the Bournemouths.

I work for them.

My name's Tommy Patel,

and I grew up here in Southall.

Every day, I commuted from our little corner shop

to my city job, where I worked as a commodities broker

on the trading floor of Bournemouth and Bournemouth.

Yeah, Nigel, no, no, don't go higher than a quarter of a million.

Honestly, I promise you it'll never go higher than that.

Believe me. Trust me. Okay, bye.

Angela, where the hell is that coffee?

It's coming!

It should be here now!

Yes, master.

Come on, girl. Pull your finger out.

What have you been sitting on all weekend?

May I remind you of sexual harassment in the workplace?

Very sweet of you, my darling, but I'm far too busy right now.

I saw that!

Don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm bisexual.

Whenever I want sex, I have to buy it.

Patel. I've got a job for you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Andrews, I can't possibly. I'm right in the middle of a deal.

Yes, obviously. Just drop it.

I want you to meet this very important American

and show him round for a few days.

I'm far too busy, sir.

That is an order from the Chairman.

This is a VIP from New York.

I want you to hold his hand and show him London.

Why me?

Because I don't like you.

Bugger it up and you'll be out of a job.

Great.

Excuse me. Could you help me, please? I want Conduit Street.

-Huh? -I'm trying to find Conduit Street.

-Conduit Street? -Yeah.

See the lights?

Yeah.

Morning. Morning, gents.

Morning.

Conduit Street?

Get a taxi.

Coming around.

Morning. Morning.

Whoa!

I'm sorry. Oh!

You all right?

I don't know who you are, but this is not a skating rink, okay?

I'm Henry Martin. I was just following the line in the marble.

-Follow the line in the marble right outside. -It's so smooth.

There's a little kiddie's park over the road...

Well, I'm from the New York office.

And I'm supposed to meet somebody here and...

Oh, hi! Hello! I'm meeting you.

I'm Tommy Patel.

-Oh, hi, Tommy. -I love the skates!

Thanks. This marble is so smooth.

I've been on cobblestones and bridges all morning.

I mean, I don't know if these things are gonna catch on here

'cause you really should be sober to do it.

But these are gonna revolutionize commuting.

I beat the tube. I beat the traffic.

There's no parking fees. You want to try them?

Hey, you!

It's all right, Jobson, he's with me.

I thought he might be.

Hello, Jobson.

Oh, my God, it's you, sir.

Didn't expect to see me, huh?

No, I did not.

I'll be around for a while, so...

So, oh! How nice.

Well, I'll leave you with Mr. Patel.

Good luck.

Okay, let's get to work.

Go upstairs to petty cash, get £200. You hungry?

-Yes. -Get about £300, okay?

What's the name of the pub across the street?

It's the Dick? The Dickhead? The Dick?

-The Richard III! -Richard III!

Go upstairs, get the money. And I'll meet you across the street in the pub.

In the pub?

It's a long way to go

It's a long way to Tipperary

To the sweetest girl I know

Goodbye, Piccadilly

Farewell, Leicester Square

Tommy! That's my mate, Tommy. Say hi.

Hi!

Hi, hi.

-You got the money? -Yes, I got 300, cash.

Give it to Mona, would you?

-What? -Thanks, babe.

What else you got for me?

I got some theater tickets.

Wait, wait, let me guess.

Cats, Les Mis, and...

What's the one with the helicopter?

-Mrs. Saigon. -Mrs. Saigon.

Yeah.

Great!

Who needs a pair? Who needs a pair?

Couple of stalls. Unobstructed views of the chopper!

Hi. You, sir. Yes, sir.

Fine, enjoy yourself. It's kind of a Sound of Music meets Platoon.

Look at that! 50 quids, huh? Come on. Let's see a show!

Now, she was a great Hamlet.

Sure.

I just don't remember the banana scene in Hamlet.

Yeah, it's sort of a tropical interpretation.

I'll tell you, if Shakespeare were alive today, he would die.

Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling Clementine

Look at that view, man.

I feel great!

...two million pounds. I'm gonna buy two million pounds...

Are you all right?

No.

What happened to you then last night?

He did.

-Morning, fellows. -Morning.

Hey, Glen...

Uh-oh.

Patel?

There is some money missing from petty cash.

Ah! Yes, sir. I can explain that, sir.

Did you take £500?