8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Jon Richardson, Sean Lock,

Rose Matafeo, Harry Hill,

Alex Horne and The Horne Section,

Susie Dent, Rachel Riley

and your host, Jimmy Carr!

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.

OK, let's meet tonight's players -

first up, it's team captain Sean Lock.

Many women find Sean Lock sexy

and fantasise about getting him alone

for some grandpa grumpy rumpy pumpy.

And joining Sean tonight, it's comedy legend, Harry Hill.

Oh, thank you very much.

Harry has a unique look, like a testicle off to play a game of golf.

Up against them this evening, team captain Jon Richardson.

Jon appeared on the TV show

Comedians Watching Football With Friends,

I assume alone.

I watched it with my best mate, actually -

Claire Sweeney off of, er... off of Brookside.

Do you still keep in touch?

Er, I follow her on Twitter.

My best mate.

After you, and you - we're best mates, aren't we?

Yeah.

Aww.

Just do a joke about me being small and let's move on.

Er, fun fact, er, Jon is short for a man, 5'2".

And Jon's team-mate, Rose Matafeo.

Rose has a paralysing fear of rodents

with their furry little bodies and rat-like features.

So, we can only apologise for sitting her next to Jon.

Harry it's, er, it's your first time on the show.

Are you gonna be better with the letters or with the numbers, Harry?

Oh, well, you know I have this, er, I have this problem with letters.

I see a letter and I associate it with a smell.

So, for instance the letter... I don't know, A,

I smell elderflower straight away.

And then D, I might get, er, just morning dew,

straight away I'm getting morning dew.

The letter F? Wet wipes.

So, I'm worried about it.

I'm going to be like a basset hound in a... a perfume factory.

Do you have any hidden talents?

Oh, well, I know where this going.

Who told him? Was it you?

No, I never said anything, I don't - never talk to him.

It's the... It's the moon walking, right?

Can you moon walk?

Well, I learnt from the master.

Michael Jackson?

Phillip Schofield.

You may not know this, but when Michael Jackson died,

Phillip Scofield bought all his shoes.

Mainly flip flops -

and because his feet are a different size to Michael Jackson's,

he had to trim them all.

So, often I would go round for my lesson,

he'd be trimming these, trimming these...

..and he only gets the afternoons, because he works in the morning.

So, I do, yeah.

I do - so I do moon walk but I haven't...

I haven't come here to do, I'm not doing it...

Oh, Come on, we want to see.

All right, OK.

Harry Hill.

Sean, have you, erm...? Oh, God, here we go.

Well, I was interested to know, Sean,

if you'd tried any interesting diets?

Erm, yes, I have, Jimmy, I've found a whole new food source,

and, erm, it's very exciting.

And what I've got into eating recently,

it's a real delicacy, is fatbergs.

You know down the sewers, you get a fatberg -

and I know you're going, "Eurgh," cos everyone's told you -

they're absolutely delicious.

They're like truffles.

And I go down the sewers and hunt out fatbergs.

Obviously I don't take a truffle pig, I take a rat on a lead.

Honestly, Jimmy, they are delicious, because you cut a slice,

it's like a cake,

and it's savoury one end...

..sweet the other,

with a bit of, hint of Dettol in the middle.

Mm!

What I do is I get a trained sushi chef

to cut around the condoms and wet wipes.

Just get the really... the really tasty bits.

So, that's... That's what I'm into.

OK, now, Rose, you're from New Zealand?

Yes. You now live in London.

What's the worst thing about living in England?

The plugs are weird.

Why are our plugs weird?

Well, they're different to where I'm from.

The... My plugs, they look...

My one looks like... kind of like The Scream,

kind of like that. Ooh, it's sad.

And then your ones kind of look like you.

Yeah. Yeah, she's got a point.

Yeah, I can see it. Oh, the plug!

Like a plug socket, yeah. Yeah, I can see it.

Oh, I see - I thought you meant... Yeah.

Jon, if you could bring one thing back from the past,

what would it be?

Er, what I would like to bring back is the airing cupboard.

You don't really get an airing cupboard

in a house any more, do you?

I don't know if it's cos boilers have got smaller, or...

People are renting them out in London.

But I used to go in there and have my lunch,

I'd hide there and try to scare people,

play a bit of hide and seek

and then come out when no-one fucking looked for me.

It's like having a holiday home, when you're six,

having an airing cupboard.

That was my gite.

Why would you have given an airing cupboard a second thought?

You're in the prime of your life.

Exactly, I'm still banging, I don't miss that.

You don't miss what you've got on tap, mate, do you?

It's...

It's because of...

On a serious note, it's because of improved lagging on the...

..on the immersions, er... Ah!

You don't get the warm air. You don't get the warm air any more.

What are we on, a Saga holiday now?

How... How is this a conversation?

If you wanna get back, you know, a way of getting back,

if you were ever spurned by a lover,

one of the ways to get back, as you know,

you start off with a kipper on the exhaust pipe.

You know that one? So that when she starts up the car, it stinks.

The next stage up would be to sew prawns into the hem of the curtains

so then that starts to decay - all right?

And the best one, if you can get a dolphin into the immersion heater.

It really stinks.

Yeah, yeah. She won't forget you then.

Rose, have you got a mascot?

I do have a mascot. I wanted to bring something that would relax me

and I'm quite a crafty person myself,

so I have a stack of my favourite adult colouring in books,

which is great -

and I've got to say, an adult colouring in book,

it's a fantastic gift to give to any loved ones

when you want to kind of show that you're concerned,

but want to keep it fun.

Because these are for, you know, your mental wellbeing.

But I really - I really enjoyed doing them,

so, I've actually started filling them out,

but I kind of freaked out my family,

because I started doing them purely in black Sharpie pen, so...

That kind of freaked them out a bit.

That's a turtle, there, that's some ducks and stuff.

And then I just started writing stuff that...

I kind of went outside the lines a bit

and started just writing stuff

I wanted to get off my chest to my family,

so I've got "help me" there.

This one, like...

"Dad's girlfriend is a cat."

So, that's my mascot. I like it, I like it a lot.

Jon, have you got a mascot? Yeah, sort of.

I get a lot of stick on this show for liking the maths,

but I thought I'd find a way of making maths cool -

and I know what people like, pop music.

So, I've written an equation, a mathematical equation,

with music bands that we can solve... Hello, Rachel.

Hello. How are you?

I've got this in my hand, for some reason.

Yes, this is all mine. Great.

I don't like to share.

So, where would you start here, Rachel,

if you were tidying up this equation?

Sin A square Seasons, times by Ode To Joy

plus U, all over Duran, equals Duran, multiplied by Tops,

brackets, Joy To The World, all over b squared,

all minus U plus one.

You'd times by Duran, wouldn't you?

You would - that's what I was gonna say, yeah.

You'd tidy up, so you'd times by Duran,

that's solving your problem on this side,

and then, on this side, of course, you'd have Duran squared,

or Duran Duran, as they're more popularly known.

Now, you look on this side, you've got sin now.

Now, I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.

So, of course we can substitute, there, for...

..Ace of Base, you haven't been studying, have you?

Ace of Base.

Now, Ace of Base as we know, sang All That She Wants.

Duran Duran, they sang All She Want is.

So, if we divide both sides by the thing that she wants,

that would, of course, cancel those out.

So, let's rid of that U.

We can add U to that side,

and that will cancel that bit out,

and of course here we'd have two U's, or U2...

..if you like, and U2, of course,