Splitting Adam

Ever feel like you're being pulled

in a million different directions?

Oh!

Oh!

Uh, sorry!

My bad!

- Uh! - Sorry, ma'am.

Like there's not enough time to get through

all the things you have to do.

You start cutting corners just to make it through the day.

My dog walking business isn't exactly dog walking.

Oh, this is gonna hurt!

Oooah!

Ugh!

Some days I feel like a punching bag.

- Hashtag butt kicked by sister.

Others a babysitter and ballet partner

for my little sister Gillian.

Ah! -

Ah! Uh!

- Lawn polo, sport of the future!

Whoo!

Two inches, pal, two inches!

- Sometimes, I'm just a doofus with a pair of scissors

and a lot of grass to cut.

She's my little mini-me.

.

Ooh!

I'd loved to dream of something better,

but who has time to dream?

Uh.

- If you wanna impress Lori Collins, why study CPR?

You should be learning mouth to mouth.

- Girls like Lori only have eyes for hero types.

People who save lives.

Right, like lifeguards.

Help me study.

I gotta pass the test this year.

Your pulse is racing.

This CPR really works.

- Now take a deep breath and hold it.

Okay.

Oh.

Wow, you're really into this.

Ugh!

- All you can do is breathe and hope an easier life

is somewhere out there.

Yeah, this is pee patrol.

Got our eyes on a foreign object.

Uh, copy that, number two, let's get that thing out

of the pool as soon as possible.

We're going in, over.

- Look at the size of that thing.

What are they feeding these kids?

Floater alert! Floater alert!

Better hurry, dweebs, it looks like it might need

mouth to mouth.

Go back to the kiddie pool.

- Ignore him, guys, he hasn't had his protein shake yet.

- Uh, she's gone, you can stop sucking in your stomach.

I think she smiled at me.

She laughed at you.

Yeah.

- Look, you're only my best bro and all,

but you can't compete with the Vances of the world.

That guy is confident, cool, plays a mean guitar,

drives a wicked car and he's a lifeguard.

And maybe next time you decide to work at a place solely

because the girl you're not so secretly in love with

works there, you'll actually read the job description.

Go on.

This is ridiculous.

It's only one!

It's not gonna bite.

Dude, you didn't even go in the water.

Yeah, but I saw it, too.

I saw it.

- For the ninth consecutive month dating back three summers,

please join me in giving

a great big Crash 'N Splash round of applause

to lifeguard of the month, and my homeboy, Vance Handsome!

Mwah.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Denied, sorry, bro, that one didn't make it.

I gotta go.

What a freak.

Forget boy Baywatch.

He might be lifeguard of the month,

but you've got a glass half full this set.

You got a sweet ride, a snazzy job, added with a cool best bro.

What?

My sweet ride has fleas.

I fish poo for money.

And my best bro is you.

Your uncle has landed.

Uncle Mitch?

Nephew, huge me!

Mm.

Okay.

Uh.

Ta-da!

I made your frown disappear.

Master Sheldon, nephew's faithful companion.

My frown is all good.

Okay.

Gentlemen, I need you assistance.

Whoa.

Ta-da!

What is that?

Obviously it's a tanning bed.

Frankenstein's tanning bed.

It's an industry thing.

All the magicians rock the tan in Vegas.

Have you seen Copperfield?

Dude like sweats the vitamin D.

He really puts the copper in Copperfield.

Right?

Anyway, I picked up this baby at a sweet storage auction

out in Burlington.

Once I figure out how to turn it on,

I'm gonna baste in my own juices.

You're uncle's weird.

Uh-huh.

- Now, for my next trick, I'm gonna make this miracle

of not-so-modern tanology go from this van

to that garage

without even laying a finger on it.

What? - Now.

Uh, gift cards?

- For your efforts, kind gentlemen.

Chop, chop.

- Yeah, there's a 99.9% chance there's nothing on these.

I'll take those odds.

Listen to your Uncle Mitch.

He's the one in charge.

Adam, don't forget about Gillian's dance recital.

Oh, and don't forget about karate class.

- Bye, guys, have a magical time.

We will, thanks.

See you in one week.

Love you! - Bye.

They'll be okay, right?

Yeah, what could go wrong?

Your brother's a magician.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Wah!

Okay, who wants to see me pull a rabbit out of my pants?

I'm out.

You're in?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Gotta get back.

Ow.

Ow, dude, stay on your side.

I can't win if I do that.

I have to say, running power through the treehouse

was the best idea since glow-in-the-dark toilet paper.

- Tomorrow, I'm gonna put a signal booster on the SAT router

so we can stream HD to the 42-inch wireless.

Yeah.

This is gonna be great.

Adam's got no parents for a week.

Uh!

Oh, come on, Gillian, are you serious?

Ew.

I'm in the zone.

I ain't got time to wipe.

Where is Gillian, by the way?

- She asked me to play hide and seek with her

like two hours ago.

What?

Two hours ago?

- What can I say, she's good at hiding.

Like pro level.

- But you didn't even look for her.

- Strategy, Baker, I wait 'em out.

What, do I got something on my face?

Gillian!

It's probably best to stick together, you know?

- No, no, no, we'll take the basement, you take the garage.

All right.

Gillian?

It's your old pal Sheldon.

Look, I'm really sorry I didn't look for you.

No hard feelings, right?

Gillian!

Hello?

If you're down here, I just want you to know