The Office

Is it all right to kiss you?

Oh! I'm sorry. -Oh!

Michael? Michael, um...

Half an hour?

Another day, another dollar.

Oh, any mail?

That's your... That's an earring! -Whatever. Get over it.

How long have you had that? -Too long, baby!

It's bleeding. -Really stings.

Blimey! Is it an old one? -Yeah and I had to push really hard at the time and...

But they heal over. -It had healed over. So I think I opened a...

Oh. -Sore. Oh.

You know who's... What are you looking at? -I'm not looking at anything.

Those people who came in, Ray and Jude? The ones who I had the meeting with?

I know. -Yeah. They do.

Well, you know they do sort of training seminars. -Yeah, um...

Yeah, use expert speakers, don't they?

Yeah. -They're using me. So... For my, you know...

Expertise? -Yeah.

Well, the good news for you, young lady, is you're involved.

How?

I'm doing one tonight. I'm getting quite a bit of money for it,

as a bit goes, 300 quid.

So I need someone just to carry my bag. Organise... -Oh, well. I'm not...

Hundred quid for an hour's work, tonight.

£100 for an hour?

Yeah. -That is a lot.

Eighty.

You just said 100. -90.

You just said 100. -All right, get there early then.

All right, 'cause that's sharing the wealth, see. Looking after...

That is silly money. 100 for that. I should have...

Very exciting. It's what I've, you know, I've always wanted to do.

It's that... It's that working...

I've had these cards made up. Um...

David Brent. Assertiveness and Guidance Training In Business.

"If it's in you, I'll find it."

That's actually what I do, you know.

I go along and I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.

The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is if I waste, you know,

good time and money looking for it

and I can see it's definitely not in you,

I don't wanna be sued 'cause you haven't got it, so...

You know, you're not gonna get me on that.

Mmm... Mmm.

What's going on here?

What's it look like? -How long's this been going on?

When were you going to tell me? -Huh?

Can't believe you get off with a bird that I fancy!

Why can't you believe that, Gareth?

What I can't believe is a bird that fancies you over me for a start. Well, you...

He's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair...

He looks like a Fisher Price man with rubbish clothes.

Makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start.

But, yet, in my head, I'd still do you, so I'm confused.

All right. I'll ask you straight.

Is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?

Like what? -What, specifically?

Yeah.

Hand job? Look, don't answer. Think about it.

All right. Do I look like a Fisher Price man? -(SNIGGERING) Yeah!

Do I? Don't say yeah.

Hello.

Your favourite computer geek is here. -Jesus.

All right, Simon? Er, how's it going?

Uh, what are you doing with my computer? -Um...

It's not your computer, is it? It's Wernham Hogg's.

All right, what are you doing with Wernham Hogg's computer? -You don't need to know.

No, I don't need to know, but could you tell me anyway?

I'm installing a firewall. -Okay. What's that?

It protects your computer against, script-kitties, data collectors, viruses,

ROMs and Trojan Horses and it limits your outbound internet communications.

Any more questions? -Yes, how long will it take?

Why? Do you want to do it yourself?

No, I can't do it myself. How long will it take you, out of interest?

It'll take as long as it takes.

Right, um... How long did it take last time? -It's done.

All right, thank you. -Now I'm going to switch it off.

When it comes back on, it'll ask you to hit, "yes, no or cancel."

Hit cancel, do not hit yes or no.

All right. -Did you hear what I said?

Yep. -What did I say?

Hit cancel. -Good.

Thanks.

Um... I'm an educator.

I'm a motivator of people.

I excite their imaginations.

It's like bloody Dead Poets Society sometimes out there.

You know at the end where they all stand on the tables...

I wouldn't want them to stand on the tables, literally.

It's against health and safety for one thing.

My point is this...

Life is about communication. We live for three score year and ten.

And it's, "Did I communicate?" "Yes, you did."

"Did I get something across?" "Yes, you did."

"Are you gonna pay me for it?" "Yes, lots. Thanks very much.

"Not why I do it, but thank you."

Going go-karting again at the weekend with the lads.

Oh, yeah. What? Down Superkarts? -Yeah.

You any good? -Came first, last time I went.

Eight minutes, fifty one. Got a certificate.

Well, I went down there the first day it opened, right?

I did a couple laps and pulled over.

The bloke that runs the thing came over and said, "Oi, no professionals."

I took my helmet off and said, "I'm not a professional."

He said, "You're not a professional?" I said, "No."

He said, "Well you should be."

"If I was you I'd take up Formula 1.

"And if you drive like that you'll probably be the best in the country."

I said, "I'm not interested, I'm making shitloads out of computers."

Have you ever had a go at Speedway? -Have you?

Yep. -Well, I was doing it once,

and, um, I was bombing it round and some idiot had left like a ramp thing out.

Litter bugs. -I could see the people going, "Oh, my God!

"If that guy hits that ramp, going at that speed. He's definitely dead."

I hit the ramp, I took off in the air. I turned over in the air.

They were going, "Whoa, he's definitely dead now."

I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said, "What were you worried about?"

Er, about five? -Five.

Yeah. -And so who's this chap with again?

Well... -What's this then, a mothers' meeting?

Dawn tells me she's shutting down reception at five?

Well, just half hour

early today. -Do you think you can run okay without her?

Yeah. Well, they can answer their own phones. They can do their own post tonight...

All right, that's good. So we can probably lose her altogether, can we?

What do you mean?

Well, if you don't need a receptionist, we may as well let her go.

Either she's needed or she's not. -We do need a receptionist.

My point is, David, you haven't put a system in place, you know.

For your own needs you've told Dawn to shut down reception at 5:00.

You haven't told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings.

I mean does Dawn know that they can do their own posts?

Dawn, they can do their own posts tonight.

Yeah, there's no... There's no use telling her now.

It's just there's no system in place.

You're not thinking things through!

I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking, David. -All right. Chill out.

Don't have a cow, mate.

Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge here.

Let me remind you, I'm your boss, okay? -Yeah.

Just try and think things through.

That was your fault, eh. Took the rap for you, didn't I? Yeah.

Once, all right, when Bruce Lee was filming,

one of the extras just came over and just started a fight.

Oh, yeah. I know this, and he was amazing at kung fu,

but Bruce Lee just hit a round house on him.

Well, no. He smashed him through a wall.

Instead of firing him, he just said, "Go back to where you were,

"let's get on with the filming."

Man, those cats were as fast as lightning.

You know when he's fighting Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon?

No.

You haven't you seen it? -No.

Have you not... I can't... That is a classic.

No, I've not seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon,

I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way Of The Dragon.

That's what I meant that. That's what I... Yeah. -Is it?

Why did you say you'd seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon?

He fight Bob Wall in both. But Norris is only in Way Of The Dragon.

Yeah, I know. So, when he's fighting Chuck Norris...

In what? -In Way Of The Dragon.

Correct. At last.

Um...

You know, Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you?

Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was, he faked his own death,

so he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police,

infiltrating drugs gangs in the Triads.

Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Yeah, I reckon that's true, 'cause if you were going to send someone undercover

to investigate the Triads,

you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

Gone off Dawn now, have you?

What? -Say what?

What are you talking about?

Just shut up. Shut up.

Waiting on a credit check. 'Cause we've not worked with them for ages.

So, I was thinking of going about four o'clock in the morning.

Yeah. -Hmm.

Oi, Tim. -Hmm?

You shagged her yet, or what?

What? -Your bird, what's her name?

Rachel. -Yeah, Rachel. You done it yet, or what?

Of course he hasn't!

I don't kiss and tell, Lee, so...

I bet you bloody have, ain't ya?

Lips are sealed. So... (LAUGHS) Don't ask me!

Oh, he's done well there. -What do you mean, "done well?"

Well, she's tasty. She's nice.

Yeah, but you don't even know her!

No, I mean, she's very attractive.

She's not very attractive.

I think, um, Ray'll introduce me.

And I'll come out. I'll do a bit of, you know, a few gags etc.

And then, um, I'll go, "Right. You have to be thick-skinned in business.

"It doesn't matter if you are the tea boy or the General Manager,

"People will try and rock your confidence and shake your spirit.

"Do not listen to them, yeah? Let's try a little exercise."

And I'll just go into the audience. And I'll pick on someone at random.

I'll just go, "You, sir, what's your name?"