Joe's Apartment

Nice singing, pal!

I 'll be under the fridge, if you need me.

Shh ! The movies startin'.

Dear Mom,

I made it to New York safe and sound.

Hands up, pinhead!

Dear Mom, I made it to New York.

Hands up, pinhead!

Dear Mom--

Hands up, pinhead!

Please send money.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll pay you back soon.

I'm bound to get a job. I'm a college graduate.

But first things first, I gotta get an apartment.

I hope I can get one for really cheap.

1,500 bucks a month?

There's a hole in the ceiling.

It's a private atrium.

1,100 a month

for 300 square feet.

That's a sweet deal.

- No vacancy. - 1,500 a month!

Nothing for that price range.

Hah! Try Nebraska.

Oh, my God, mister,

are you allright?

Two days, seven hours,

23 minutes and four seconds.

That's how long I've been lyin' here.

Are you okay?

Of course not.

I'm an artist.

I wanted to express how cold,

how pitiless this city really is.

Nobody touched you for two days?

Spitting doesn't count.

You must be from out of town.

Yeah.

Iowa.

What's your name?

Joe.

Walter. Walter Shit.

Walter Shit?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What, are you lookin' for a place?

Somethin' maybe for a hundred a month.

Hey, junior here, thinks he's gonna find himself

a rent-controlled apartment!

Uh, rent-controlled apartment?

Yeah.

A place where the rents been frozen since

the 1950s.

Places like that are hard to find

because nobody ever leaves em'.

Not unless the landlord gives them a little help.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

I love the real estate business.

What?

They're always tougher than they look.

See, there's really no way

to get a rent-controlled apartment.

No way at all?

Well, I mean, only if it's like

your Mom's apartment, and, you know, she croaks.

Oh, how you doin', Mrs. Grotowski?

Oh, my God!

Joe...

Mrs. Grotowski doesn't have any family.

You pose as her son, take her apartment.

What?

I-I couldn't.

Oh, my God!

Joe!

It's your mother!

And she's dead!

Joe?

Thank you.

My first place!

Who is this guy? Quiet!

Gotta hide! Gotta hide! Gotta hide!

Never seen him around before.

What happened to the old lady?

- Uh-oh. Luggage! - I don't like it!

- Shh. Stay undercover. - Great!

- Another stupid human being. - Shut up!

- I'm just talking. - Hey, can it. Both of yo use.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, yum, yummy, yummy!

Damn. Ralph's out there. Poor sucker.

Uh-oh!

This is the greasiest, ugliest bug I've ever seen in my life.

- Look at that. - Go figure.

Our kind of guy.

He likes good living, that's for sure.

- This guy is not so bad. - I think he's got potential.

Did you hear that? "Greasy." Nice compliment, eh, Rodney?

Word. I thought you was smushed for sure.

Rodney, who's still out there?

Schlomo and Pauli, who else?

Schlomo, I quit drinking.

Me, too, Pauli...

ever since I joined this health club.

It's a great lap pool, isn't it?

Yeah.

Uh-oh, diver down.

We are gonna get drunk.

Hold on. He's having a taste of Old Hound Dog instead.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to be finally out on my own, Mom.

No, no. No, thanks, Mom.

I can find a job by myself.

Look how easy I got a place.

Yes, Mom.

No, Mom. Right, Mom. Good, Mom.

Ain't his mom supposed to be dead?

Mom! Mom!

Landlord!

Uh, I hope everything's going fine up in heaven, Mom.

- Pray to you later. - Joe. Joe.

- Amen! - Joe...

Who the hell are you?

Joe f-f-f-f Grotowski.

Joe F. Grotowski.

Vladimir Bianco.

My cousin, Jesus.

Vlad and Jesus Bianco?

You guys are related?

Well, speaking of relations, I knew your old lady

and she never talked you up, not once.

I've been away at college.

Oh, is that so?

Well, $50 rent, college boy.

Cash!

Now!

Sorry about your moms, man.

But then maybe you won't be missing her long.

Amen.

Dear Mom, thanks for another loan.

I haven't found a job yet

but I'm on the lookout for something good.

Thank you for calling 911.

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line.

Your local police precinct will be with you shortly.

Central Complaint Department, please hold.

I don't know. Please hold.

I Can't help you. Please hold.

Like, who cares, man? Please hold.

Alligators in the subway?

Interesting, ma'am. Uh, please hold.

N-no. Sir, don't try to saw it off yourself.

Uh, please hold.

Central Complaint Department.

Oh, I-I'm calling from 324 ½ East 8th Street.

No water, no heat, no power.

Roof leaking, drug dealing.

People falling out of windows?

Wow! Congratulations, sir.

This is the worst call I've had all day.

Really?

Coffee break!

Please hold.

No, no, no.

Ma'am? Hello?

Hey, Lily, what's up?

Oh, Blank. Hey.