Dear Dictator

- (bell clanging) - (gulls calling)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Tatiana!

Tatiana, hustle your ass down here!

Tatiana, now!

Hey, sexpot.

I just wanted to say

I had a really nice time last night.

And, um,

I'm sorry about what I said in the car.

I... I know how mad it makes you,

and I promise I won't say it again.

It's just, I couldn't help myself. I...

I think I am in love with you.

(person grunts, body thuds)

I thought I threw those boots in the trash.

You did.

If you keep fishing them out,

you're going to break your neck.

You know, I got better things to do than

push you around in a wheelchair the rest of my life.

Morning.

You should've seen the way

he was looking at me last night.

I mean, it's real.

And he's so smart.

I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have said it.

You never tell 'em you love 'em.

Everybody knows. It's textbook.

Everyone except you, apparently.

Hey, I deserve a little respect.

No, no. You're right on track, sleeping with a married man.

A soon-to-be divorced married man.

Okay, sure.

Could you at least try to fix your hair?

I am fixing it. I'm fixing it to cover my face.

Not that you give a shit, but you look pretty cute

when people can actually see your face.

And ditching that thing in your nose wouldn't hurt either.

You're the one who took me to get it.

What can I say? I'm an idiot.

Nnn!

No comment.

- (grunts) Walk much?

I think I might yark.

1975 Mustang Stocker,

blue-and-red tampo.

Original package. Never played with.

Wow.

That is so... neat.

I always said when I was a dentist,

I was going to have the coolest waiting room.

Well, you succeeded.

Hey, so, um,

did you get my message?

I had a really good time last night.

Not here, Darlene.

There's a cleaning in Exam 4.

Hmph.

Hey, Tats.

- What's up? - Hey.

So, did you read it?

Yeah. I have to be honest.

I'm not sure those books are religious.

I get them from my church.

It's basically torture porn.

That chapter on the left leg of hell,

with the demon making that other guy drink molten lead?

- Mm-hmm. - That was disgusting.

Right? I mean, who knew

that hell was divided into parts of the body?

You haven't even gotten to the best chapter yet: the bowels.

- Mm. - When people are in there,

it's like they're swimming in acid.

Their skin burns off.

It's awesome.

Yeah, I'll take your word for it.

I don't know. It's just not that fun to read about

the place where my skanky mom's probably going to end up.

Happens to everyone who commits sins of the flesh.

That's her. Biggest slut in the game.

Here. This one's even sicker.

It's the next one in the series.

The devil's actually a parasite

that eats a person from the inside out.

I put Post-It notes on all the good parts.

- Catch you later. - Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Sophomores, you have proven that teenagers can in fact

survive the ancient art of letter writing.

You have personally corresponded with luminaries

who have inspired you.

Does anyone care to share whom...

not who, whom...

you selected?

I wrote to Mark Zuckerberg, 'cause he's so rich.

Inspiring choice. Anyone else?

Miss Miles,

care to tell us who you wrote to?

Anton Vincent.

The dictator?

Miss Miles, the assignment was

to write to a role model, someone you admire.

I admire his style.

You shouldn't admire anything about him.

- He's evil. - Okay, well,

so were the Khmer Rouge, and they had good style.

- (students chuckle) - (mock chuckle) Well,

I certainly appreciate the shock-and-awe,

Tatiana,

but honestly, you're smarter than that.

There is a reason 27 countries

have united to overthrow Anton Vincent.

- He's a horrible person. - Who looks cool.

You found the evidence on their computers, yes?

They did not have computers.

Then-Then how did you know they were traitors?

You said they were, sir.

You ordered their executions.

If they had evidence on their computers!

But they didn't have computers.

- (weapons cock) Fire!

- (gunfire) - Sir, I'm sorry.

I thought you said that you had the evidence.

I am so sorry, sir. I misunderstood.

Sir, I'm sorry!

Sir, I misunderstood what you said!

Sir! Please! Please forgive me, sir. Please!

Sir! Sir!

Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Charles, stop it. You're...

Ooh! Oh! That feels so good.

Ah!

You are so sexy.

Oh, my God. Dr. Charles.

Patty won't let me do this to her.

She thinks it's strange.

Oh, my God. She's strange.

It's liberating, right?

- Here. - (phone beeps)

- Ah! - Keep recording.

I'll watch it again later at home.

Oh, my God. You're amazing.

- (phone vibrating) - Chrissake.

Hold that thought. Darlene Miles.

What?

So what are you gonna do?

Who knows?

Maybe we'll be pen pals.

Right. You can ask him his favorite color,

his favorite movie,

and how many people he's tortured this week.

Dictators get such a bad rap.

I wonder why.

Look, he mailed me his armband, okay?

He can't be that horrible.

When we freed our country

from the dirty capitalist swine,

we expected a better life.

Yet I regret to say

there are still challenges.

The surpluses we expected in milk production

were ill-considered.

There are critical shortages of gas,

- bread, and soap. - (booing)

I ask that you please try harder.

We are trying harder!

I too must sacrifice.

This morning I learned that my brother-in-arms

sold military secrets to the United States.

Oh, my God! - (crowd gasps)

For this, I blame the enemy.

They can take away our friends,

but they cannot take away our spirit.

Homeland... or death!

- (crowd jeering) - Homeland or death!

You don't belong here!

Put your sunblock on and go home!

Shoot this guy.

Did I tell you I can't practice next week?

- Oh, yeah. The Bible retreat. - Mm-hmm.

What exactly do you do on those things?

We worship. It's rad.