Little Demon

When you said you were taking me to Spain,

I thought we'd eat tapas and stroll the Riviera.

Not watch defenseless animals get killed.

It's just a pit stop!

Afterwards, we'll hit up the flamingo thing you wanted.

- Flamenco. It's art through dance.

- Now watch your dad work his magic.

Hey, pal.

You got three punctured organs and 30 seconds to live.

Any unfulfilled desires

from your tragically short life?

- What if I could give you that dream after you die?

That you could have the freedom to fishbrain and soul grind

for eternity under my care?

All you have to do is sell me your soul.

Uh, yeah, don't do it.

Just spit here.

Spit!

Spit right there. Spit.

Jesus Christ.

Congrats, sweetie.

You just witnessed your first soul collection.

Yeah, congrats.

You duped a guy into signing a contract

he didn't even read to go where and do what exactly?

- I just fulfilled his ultimate desire.

- Dude, I've heard straight preachers

warn about eternal damnation.

I've seen Little Nicky.

- Western culture's given you a misguided view

of how I operate.

I'm actually very above board, morally speaking.

- Then, like, show me his eternity under your care.

I mean, if you want me to consent

to join a siren seed someday,

I gotta know what I'm consenting to, right?

Exactly!

It's about fucking time.

Come on! Hot damn!

You're gonna love this place so much,

you're gonna want to kill yourself to join!

Don't yet, okay?

Yet?

Welcome to my Soul Hole.

Take a whiff. - What the fuck?

The smell is my favorite part.

Sit on me!

I'm a chaise lounge.

Sing Billy Joel to me.

It's the only thing that makes me come.

Morally above board, huh?

Well, the thing is, you see,

souls are super valuable

because they power the universe.

This is a tiny collection

compared to my Soul Imperium in hell.

But I'm seeing steady growth!

- So you trick innocent people into signing up

for this torture porn flophouse

so you can have more power.

Well, it's not torture.

What you're seeing is absolute free will.

Look at our friend over there, rollerblading around the room.

Happier than a pig in shit.

I guess.

What the fuck?

You call that free will? - Yeah!

See, that guy wants to rollerblade.

Those guys want to eat rollerbladers.

Free will means no limits.

He'll regenerate eventually.

- So he can do it all over again?

- Yeah, that's the way it works here.

- Man, this is some real messed up libertarian bullshit.

- Ah, you're being pretty reductive.

Oh, fuck yes, they're here!

- Ooh, yeah, I think that's my cue to skedaddle.

No, no, honey...

- Snake with Arms said he'd introduce me

to the Step Up franchise.

And between a hot, sweaty Channing

and that burger gobbler...

The hole can be overwhelming.

But seeing newbies arrive will change you forever.

Fine.

But this is your last chance

before I stan my Chan.

Goddamn, I love that Chan.

Hey.

Hey, Laura! What's up?

- Yeah, so I caught Irwin hoarding anger leeches

for his substitute teaching gig,

so I set off a bug bomb to prevent another infestation.

Can I crash here for the night? - Oh.

Uh, sorry, Laur.

It's... it's not a good time.

Try the Thompsons.

Their normcore lifestyle screams Murphy bed.

- You're the only neighbor I haven't threatened

physical violence to, so...

Ugh, fine. Fine, come on in.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Oh, well, you must be exhausted

from your bug massacre or whatever.

Let's get you to bed. - Bed? It's 8:35.

- Okay, here's a pillow. There's the bed.

You know what to do. - Ah!

- Hey, Darlene... - Night, Laur!

What the... are you kidding me?

Is this because I wouldn't go see Sade with you?

Hello?

Darlene?

Ugh.

Okay.

Holy shit, this place looks a lot smaller on the outside.

Ah!

There we go.

Mama needs her medicine.

What do we got here?

I want that brown stuff.

- Couple of cubes of ice in that, please!

Ah!

- Hey, I was saving that for a special occasion!

Gus, are you okay?

What did she do to you?

- Gus? - I'm okay, Leeny.

I just got the bejesus scared out of me, that's all.

Made a little piss. - Wait a minute.

Darlene, you know this ghost?

Laur, this is my husband.

Ex-husband. - Who are you?

A wrestling coach?

That was good.

Why do all dads like boats?

Was there a meeting or something?

- Wait till you see how excited they get.

It's like a baby eating chocolate for the first time.

All right, here we go.

Any minute now.

Huh.

Where are my fucking souls?

Uh, that might explain it.

"Dear Satan,

"Thanks for the souls.

"Biggleheim will pay big bucks for them.

Eat shit. Marv, the Beast Guard."

That backstabbing son of a...

Who's Biggleheim?

Biggleheim's not a person.

It's a place.

The hub of the soul trade.

A funhouse trash heap

where corporate con artists trick souls

into eternal suffering by offering

roller coaster rides and branded swag.

We gotta get my souls back before it's too late!

- Those souls sound better off in Biggleheim

than your Soul Bowl.

Soul Hole!

And didn't you hear what I just said about Biggleheim?

- Yeah! Branded swag, roller coasters.

It sounds cool.

- Man, your selective hearing is on fire today.

It's an evil place, Chrissy. - And this isn't?

I think you've been sniffing your own farts

for way too long.

- You're gonna wish you were eating my farts

once I show you a place of torture and torment!

We're going to Biggleheim!

Relax your grip, baby. Good.

- I thought both your exes ran off

with Russian catfishers.

- Oh, that was hubbies one and two.

Gus was number three.

We were in the process of mending fences

when he died.

One moment, I'm getting my new

Craigslist business up and running.

The next, a weather satellite's crashing on my head.

Luck of the Slovaks, I guess.

- Darlene, how long has Gus been here like that?

- Uh, I noticed he was here when my broken bidet

started working again.

Gus always loved me with a clean caboose.

That was a few months back.

- Mo... months? Oh, fuck.

- What? - Ghost can only stay

on the corporeal plane for so long

before they turn into wraiths. - What?

- Vengeful spirits who hunt the living and feed off misery.

- Oh, that's ridiculous. Gus couldn't hurt a fly.

- Show me where you keep your most precious memories

from your relationship. - What? Why?

Oh, man.

Uh-oh.

He doesn't look good.

- Man, I'm feeling strange, Leeny.

Like when I opened that hookah restaurant

on top of that open gas line?

- Oh! - Do it now!