The Exes

Look at her.

The woman's a vision of loveliness.

A delicate flower with the voice of an angel.

Hey, chief.

What are you, a houseplant?

Buy a drink or give up the stool.

Haskell, how long are you gonna sit here and pine for her?

Just go ask her out.

No, no.

The time isn't right.

Haskell Lutz is an acquired taste.

I'm like a particularly pungent roquefort.

At first, you think you've bitten into something horribly wrong.

But over time, you learn to appreciate its finer qualities.

Well, I think any girl would be lucky to have a cheese like you.

Aww.

But listen, you better step up or another guy's gonna beat you to it.

All right.

- I'm going in. - All right.

Here I go.

- Am I moving? - No. Go.

Hey, what can I get you?

Well, you can get me hot and bothered when we hit the sheets later.

How about I just cool you off right now?

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

I am officially living my nightmare.

Single again and being hit on by every sleazy jerk after another.

Is there not one decent guy left in this city?

- Yes! - What?

Uh, there is someone, and he's kind and caring

and good-hearted and he's worshipped you from afar.

Really?

Who is this guy?

The guy is... Pete.

Who's Pete?

He's a friend of mine. You never met him. Bye-bye.

Pete? Who the hell is Pete?

I made him up!

I took one look in her beautiful Doe eyes and I got flustered.

Wow. You're hopeless.

Well, look. I'll do better next time.

- I promise. - Haskell.

- You have to do me a favor. - Anything.

You gotta set me up with your friend Pete.

Yeah, well... well, yeah, about... about Pete.

- You see, he's a... he's a... - He's a what?

He's free tomorrow night?

Great!

This is my first date in 17 years.

I gotta get my hair done, my nails done, I gotta get waxed.

Ooh, this could take a while.

The Exes - S03E16 Friends Without Benefits

Guess who has a secret admirer?

Well, it's no surprise.

I shaved the pills off my sweater this morning.

Yeah, that'll get the girls drooling.

No. Me!

So, uh, you must be Stuart's sister, huh?

I'm Holly.

Hi, Holly.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

Stuart told me how helpful you were during his divorce.

That's it?

Listen, Nicki, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a divorce.

- I know it's such a difficult time. - Yeah, it is.

But if you ever need a lawyer, here's my card,

here's an article on me in The Times,

and here is a DVD about the firm narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Well, I don't see us fighting over who gets the above-ground pool.

Oh, uh, no case too small.

But I'm gonna need that DVD back.

Well, that was a bust.

I gotta go.

Well, it finally happened.

Brother got profiled.

The man singled me out because of the color of my skin!

- What happened? - I got a jaywalking ticket.

And were you jaywalking?

Of course, Stuart, this is New York. Everyone jaywalks.

I don't.

Phil, there's a reason our city fathers put up signs that say "walk/don't walk".

They're not just for hoodlums to do pull ups on.

You know what? I'm not gonna stand for it!

I'm marching down to city hall and I'm gonna make some noise.

This is a clear case of C.S.B.C.W.B.!

What is that?

"Crossing the Street Between Cars While Black."

- Is that the Stu-dog? - Hey, Jeff.

- Hey. - Hey, how are you, man?

Tah!

Uh, Phil, listen, I want you to meet my old neighbor, Jeff.

You guys took that from us, you know?

Now we gotta come up with something else.

Anywho, we miss seeing you around the neighborhood, man.

Every time I see Lorna with Doug it just feels wrong.

- She's still seeing Doug? - Aw, man, you didn't know.

No, you know what? It's fine, it's fine.

I've moved on, she's moved on.

I'll say. They're moving in together.

- Really? - Aw, man, you didn't know.

I guess they're gonna live in my old house.

- No, no, no, no. - Okay.

She's moving in with Doug. She sold your house.

- She what? - Aw, man, you didn't know.

No, I didn't know!

Anyhow, I gotta bounce. How fun was this?

Laters.

Can you believe this?

Lorna sold my old house without even the courtesy of letting me know?

Well, she did get it in the divorce, Stu-dog.

No, that's not the point.

I found that house. That house was my baby.

She knows th... I am gonna call her and tell her that I wanna see it.

Mm-hmm. Ah, yeah.

Get one last peek at the hedges.

Maybe take one last ride on the old John Deere.

We're still talking about the house, right?

Okay, you ready for the next one?

Delight me.

Mm-hmm.

Eh-heh.

What do you think?

I'm gonna be brutally honest.

I love it!

Thanks, Haskell. But the question is will Pete like it?

Well, if I know Pete... And I do...

He's gonna be knocked out.

Aw, great.

And I got to admit, you were right about the nail color.

Well, let's face it, you're an autumn, not a summer.

I never wanna see you in a pastel.

And you never will.

- Thank you. - Okay, you're welcome.

All right, what about shoes?

High heel, low heel? How tall is Pete?

About my height.

All right, stand up. Let's measure.

Yeah.

Low heel it is.

Al right, unzip me, so I can try on the next one.

Whoa, me?

Okay.

All done.

- Thanks. - Hi, hi.

Hi, Eden.

Hey, what is going on?

Well, Haskell has been such a great sport.

I've been dragging him all over the city

to find the perfect dress for my date tonight.

Your date with Pete?

Yeah, you see anybody else stepping up?

Oh, apparently not.

All right, so I'm gonna go try on the next one.

Ugh, you know the worst part

about being out there again is wearing a damn thong.

They do not stay where you put 'em.

- Am I right? - Yes.

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?

Having the best day of my life!

She's acquiring a taste for Haskell Lutz.

The cheese is growing on her.

And I owe it all to Pete.

There is no Pete!

Haskell, how is Nicki gonna feel

if her first date in 17 years doesn't show up?

Well, of course she'll be disappointed,

but the Haskell she's grown fond of

will be there with a strong, caring shoulder.

That actually might work.

Really?

No, you're insane!

I am so angry!

Outraged, incensed, livid!

Spin class canceled again?

No, I just got off the phone with Lorna.

She's refusing to let me say good-bye to my old house.

Why?

She said I would get too emotional.

I poured my soul into every inch of that place.

Handpicked the brick for the fireplace.

I sponge-painted the walls in the powder room.

I even built the craftsman-style birdhouse

that those flying rats sullied in just one day.

Then you gotta go up there and demand to see it whether she likes it or not.

What? No, I can't.

I mean, she's not even there. The movers are coming tomorrow.

Then you gotta go up the tonight.

Well, we did always keep a spare key

under the family of ceramic ducks, the quackersons.

Then you get that key from under that duck's ass,

and you get into that house!

You're right. I'm doing it.

- Hell yeah! - You're coming with me.

- Hell no. - Why not?

Black man breaking into a house in the suburbs.

Why don't you just tase me right now?

Come on, Phil, I need you there with me.

- Why? - For solidarity.