Gilmore Girls

And we're home.

- How long does a freaking van ride take? - Not that long.

Everybody in the world's life flashed before my eyes.

That's how much time I had.

I thought we were gonna die on that van.

It seemed a good possibility.

That van ride felt longer than our train ride from Paris to Prague.

And we had that group of French boys singing Skater Boy...

and smelling like a soccer field, sitting all around us.

Oh, my God! You're back!

Morey, they're back!

- Are you hurt? Are you bleeding? - No, we're fine.

You're fine? They're fine!

Morey, they're fine!

Okay.

What happened to you two? According to the itinerary Rory gave me...

you were supposed to be home on Saturday.

The itinerary that Rory gave you?

When you girls didn't show up, we panicked. Morey!

- Didn't we panic? - Yeah.

Morey, you ever thought about staying out here at times like these?

By Sunday night, I was a complete basket case.

I thought you'd been kidnapped by some crazy Sandinistas.

'Cause the Sandinista movement is so popular in France.

Finally I just started calling consulates.

- Consulates? - How many consulates?

Jeez, all of them. Anyhow, you're here.

Let's go inside. I want to hear all about Europe.

- Morey, I'm going in! - Okay.

You gave her an itinerary?

I thought it'd be good for someone to know where we were.

You gave her an itinerary, and she called every consulate there is.

If we were caught smuggling hash over the border...

and were thrown in a Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone...

to know we were in Turkey?

Where did we get the hash to smuggle?

You were at a café, a guy sweet-talked you.

He put it in your purse when you weren't looking.

At least tell me he was cute.

He was not bad for a hash dealer.

I'm making cocoa! LORELAI: God.

She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary.

I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one...

who got us busted for drug smuggling.

Reality has absolutely no place in our world.

Okay...

I want to hear all about Europe. Come on, tell me.

What did you see?

Everything. Notre Dame, the Roman baths...

- St. Peter's Basilica. - Mom touched the Pope.

- You're kidding. - I just touched his car.

Then one of the Swiss Guards in the fruity clothing busted me.

Luckily, Mom is fluent in flirting.

Flirting with a guy in a pom-pom hat and a skirt is an accomplishment.

It sounds like you had a terrific trip.

It was.

You okay, hon?

Yeah. I'm just a little sleepy.

Of course. You girls must be wiped.

- I'll get out of here. - But thanks, Babette.

Good night. Sleep tight. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Morey, I'm coming home!

- I'm gonna go unpack. - Unpack tomorrow.

No, if I leave stuff packed overnight, everything's gonna get gross.

Everything's already gross.

Oh, my God.

Your bed feels good.

Do not get comfortable. I will sleep on top of you if I have to.

- Man, smell this. - What?

I forgot that pillows don't have to smell like feet.

I have to say, I think it's good I did this hostel thing in my 30s...

and I'll tell you why.

I missed you. I missed you all!

If I had done it in my 20s or teens...

I would have been naive enough to think that hostels were exotic and romantic.

But once you're in your 30s, you've lived enough...

to know they're gross and should be avoided at all costs.

I had a dream about you in Copenhagen.

You were there, and you and you and you.

Since we slept on the plane...

we should go to sleep now, but get up really early tomorrow.

We don't want to blow this week being jet-lagged.

We need to establish normal sleeping patterns.

- Fine. - I'm gonna take a shower...

and leave you alone to make out with your sock drawer.

Close the door.

Hello, boys.

Gilmore, Lorelai. Yes.

My daughter's name is Lorelai also.

Very confusing or, in your case, extremely convenient.

No, see, we were never missing. It was a big mistake.

- Who are you talking to? - Belgium.

Yes, Babette Dell. She got our arrival dates mixed up...

and she was just worried, but we're fine.

We are here. We just loved your fries.

Okay, sure. Bye-bye.

Okay, Belgium's done, Lisbon's calling me back...

Berlin had no idea what I was talking about and Paris is pissed.

- At who? - Who knows?

Okay, I'm taking a break, and then I'm taking on the Netherlands.

- I still cannot believe Babette did this. - She just loves us.

Be a little less lovable, would you? It's costing me a fortune.

Try being one of those kids where people are like:

"Oh, really? She was kidnapped? Hey, well, thin the herd."

- Very nice. Who are the rosary beads for? - They're mine.

- What do you need rosary beads for? - They're cute.

They're for prayer.

Pray they match my blue suit?

They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed...

Jacuzzi-tub junior suite in Hell.

- Pietà place mat? - Gypsy.

How are you feeling?

Not bad, just a little spacy.

Like a cold-medicine buzz?

Maybe we got lucky and missed the jetlag.

I hope so, because we have a very big week ahead of us.

- Oh, yeah? - Yes.

I have here in my hand a schedule of all the activities...

we are going to partake in over this week.

The final week of Rory Gilmore's life...

before she enters the ivy-covered, hallowed halls of Yale University.

Schedule, please.

Today we get the presents to our friends, then we hit the mall.

- Got it. - Tomorrow we get an early start...

and we hit three of the crappier movies that are out.

Then we have dinner at Grandma's.

Which I will conveniently not put down on my list...

in the hopes that it magically goes away.

Okay, the next day we hit New York...

see your fancy art galleries, hit the Strand, pizza at John's.

Sunday, pick up all the stuff you need for school...

and then a barbecue at Sookie's. Monday is Mani-pedi, facial...

haircut, go to the psychic, and stock up for Tuesday.

The day of all days.

Godfather I, ll, and III...

with extra showings of the Sofia death scene over and over...

as long as the Mallomars hold out.

- The perfect day. - I agree.

We have just enough of the biscotti that we brought back from Milan...

- to last us the rest of the week. - Good.

Everything's in order.

Let's get going. Get this stuff out of here.

We sure have a lot of gifts.

- Do we like this many people? - I didn't think so.

Maybe we're getting soft in our old age.

I guess we should get some tote bags.

- What tote bags? - We must have tote bags.

Where would we get tote bags?

Every woman who's ever purchased $75 worth of Clinique products...

- has some tote bags. - We don't have tote bags.

How are we supposed to get this stuff out of here?

Now we're the quirky backpack ladies.

One of the kinder nicknames that have been attributed to us.

Let's be very efficient about this.

We'll start with Patty, work our way clockwise around the town...

end with Andrew. Let's stick with the "My mom touched the Pope" anecdote.

It's quick, it's peppy, and everybody likes a Pope story.

Do we have time to stop at Luke's? I'm starving.

Absolutely.

This is our week. This week, we do anything we want.

I like this week.

I wonder if Luke and Nicole actually went on that cruise.

I thought he was going.

- I know, but I wonder if he actually went. - Why wouldn't he?

I don't know. Because he'd have to pack and leave...

plus he'd have to buy a bathing suit.

I hope he went. He could use a good vacation.

Plus he really seems to like Nicole.

Yeah, he does.

Okay, looks like the soda shop is open.

- I am gonna kill you! - Please, you are not.

I am, too. I should have killed you before.

The minute you put up those unicorn topiaries in the park.

But, hey, hindsight, right?

I've missed that.

What do you think, biscotti moment?

Absolutely.

You don't have to yell, Luke.

- You put a giant window in my wall. - So what?

A giant window, right here!

You can see my entire diner...

and when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store!

I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a "stupid store."

Look at this place! Look at you.

All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner...

to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.

I don't think you had a childhood.

I think you came out a bitter, surly killjoy.

You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!

What?

- Your hand is near the wax lips. - So?

If you could just move it, so you don't accidentally touch the candy.

Lucas.

What are you doing?

You stop that right now!

- Look at all the pretty candy! - Stop it right now!

Oh, my God.

- What's the matter? - Luke.

- Yeah, he's finally lost it. - No, we forgot Luke.

We forgot Luke, what?