Flirting with Disaster

My mother could be rich. She could be rich and smart.

Or she could be rich and stupid.

On the other hand, she could be just poor and good-hearted.

Or she could be poor and mean.

I mean, I-I have no idea what she's like. It's--

And there's my father, right? I look at guys on the street every day--

regular guys walking down the street.

And depending on my mood, I imagine that any one of them could be my father.

This guy. How about this guy?

Hi, Dad.

Then I have to picture these two people having sex.

Okay, maybe they're not together now. But at least 30 years ago...

they had to hook up in order to have me, right?

Mix and match, mix and match, all these people together.

I can't help feeling...

that if I'd been raised by at least one of my real parents...

I wouldn't be such a nervous person, you know?

I might be living a completely different life in a totally different city.

I could be married to a totally different person with a different job.

I mean, how do I know? I don't. Anything's possible.

Well, the mystery of your unknown self is about to unfold.

Your mother lives in San Diego, California.

Her name is Valerie Swaney.

Valerie Swaney?

I told you it wouldn't take long.

Can we arrange a meeting soon?

How's, um-- How's next month?

No, no. I told Nancy I'd do it sooner. I-I've been driving her crazy.

Because you can't name your son?

I've just been distracted and tense ever since the baby was born.

- A little unsteady? - Preoccupied.

I heard a song 'bout clouds and rainbows

I hum a tune that sings like a dove

Found some words about anything

Anything but love

I paint a picture of my prison

With blue and grey for the skies above

Framed and signed with a title

Anything but love

He had to go but I won't miss him

I have got better things to do

Like writing stories and painting pictures

Of anything but love

Oh, anything but love

Anything but love

Nancy?

I'm in the bedroom!

Big news. I got big news.

Hi, sweetie. You look great. Why are you dressed like that?

Did you forget about our date?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No. It's okay, you're here now. - No, no, no. I feel so bad.

We're not gonna fight about it.

Look at you. You look so sexy.

But I want to tell you what I forgot.

- Take your shoes off. - No, no, wait, wait. We have to talk.

- We have to talk. Talk. - No. No. Honey, no talking.

No, no, we have to talk about wh-why I'm late.

- Control freak, huh? - No. Yeah, maybe I am a control freak.

- Control freak. - Don't!

- Nap time's over. - Nap time's over.

Wait, wait. I'll get him. I'll get him.

You don't have to put your pants on to get the baby.

Honey, do you think we're ever gonna have sex?

Definitely.

There, buddy, Yeah. How ya doin'?

It's okay. Yeah, yeah. You okay?

- We'll be out in one second. - Oh.

I feel like I'm keeping you from something.

No. No, no, no. This is a priority.

Is this a bad time for your wife? 'Cause, you know, I could come back.

Not at all. We just need a couple of minutes.

This is crazy.

I mean, all right, I feel guilty 'cause I missed the date.

I just gotta tell her. What am I afraid of, right? This is stupid.

- Hey, here you go. - No, no. This is good.

- What? - This is good. You stay with Daddy.

- Keep his hands occupied. - Oh, Nancy. Nancy. No, no, no.

Honey. Honey. Can't we make another date, please?

Thi-- Sweetie, this is-- Sweetie, he's looking right down at you.

This isn't-- Oh. Oh, no, no. No.

No. Oh, no, no, no.

My real mother lives in San Diego.

- What? - That's what I was trying to tell you.

I went to the adoption agency, and they found my real mother.

Just like that? You walked in, they found her?

Well, it was the second trip, actually.

- Ohh. - I know, I know.

- Honey. - I know. So listen...

why don't you put something on and come over and say hello to Tina.

- Who? - The woman who helped arrange everything.

This woman's in our apartment right now? She's here?

Yeah. Well I-- You know, I-I was trying to tell you before...

but you got all sexed up and everything--

Well, I got sexed up because we had a date, not because I'm some kind of freak or something.

- I didn't say you were a freak. Did I say you were a freak, honey? - No.

- No, no. Come on, this is good, right? - Hi. I'm Tina Kalb.

I'm sorry to burst in on you like this...

but Mel said he didn't want to waste any time.

That's all right. Nancy understands how important this whole thing is.

- Great. The baby's gorgeous, by the way. It looks just like Mel. - Ohh.

Thanks. Really? You really think so? Everybody always says he looks like me.

Well, what do I know? I'm just another 30-year-old woman desperate for a baby of her own.

Your husband doesn't want to have kids?

Yeah, I'm in the middle of a divorce, actually.

I just can't seem to part with the ring.

- Sorry. - Oh, no. You know, it was one of those death marriages--

you know, the kind where you have to start making dates to have sex.

Well, I'm sure it'll work out. I mean, I'm sure you'll meet somebody else...

and you'll be happy and you'll fall in love again...

- and things'll just be wonderful. - Yeah, I don't know.

I think it might be easier at this point...

just to find an intelligent man to impregnate me.

I'm sorry. I don't understand exactly who you are.

Oh, didn't I tell you? She's-She's doing the study.

I'm gonna be coming along to San Diego next week...

to document the reunion.

In fact, Nancy, I've got some waivers that I need you to sign.

You see, there's such a dearth of in-depth documentation...

into the psychological impact that these reunions have...

on, for instance, you, the spouse, as well as Mel's adoptive family.

- Ah, so you're a psychologist? - Not quite.

I'm just finishing my doctorate.

Tina used to be a dancer.

Oh, those days are long gone. I-- Listen, I've gotta call the office.

Oh, there's a phone in the kitchen. It's right there on your left.

- Got one right here. - Well, next week?

- Yeah, yeah. - God, that's soon.

Well, they're gonna pay for everything. Isn't that great, sweetie? Honey?

After I had my baby, I wanted my husband to stay home...

and help with night feedings...

not drag me on some plane for San Diego.

I like travelling. The baby's five months old.

I really think this is gonna get us closer together.

Oh, honey, after you're married, he feels like he's kissing his mother half the time, anyway.

Our kissing is still nice, but he's so controlling about the oral sex.

Well, have you tried the warm water method?

- Are you kidding? - No. - You're kidding.

- No. Joe loves it. - Hey.

- Oh, hi, Mel. - Hi. - Look what I found.

What did you find?

- What made you dig these out? - Remember?

I don't know. I was just feeling nostalgic for some reason.

That's so sweet. We found these on our first field trip together.

Very sweet. Oh, congratulations on finding your mother, Mel.

- Thank you. - That oughta settle some big issues for you, huh?

Definitely. Which issues are you talking about?

- Starting with the whole sex thing. - Sex. Baby's name. The baby's name.

- 'Cause you said Ethan-- - No, no, wait a minute. She just said the sex thing.

- You said that Ethan was too feminine. - Right.

- We were trying to think of a more masculine baby name, right? So-- - Okay, but she said the sex thing.

- Didn't you just say the sex thing? - But she meant that.

- Well, why don't you just let her speak for herself? Wh-What did you mean? - Well, tell him. Tell him. Go on.

Actually, it was oral sex I was referring to.

Oral sex, really? I think I just walked in...

- on a ladies' conversation that guys aren't supposed to-- - No, you didn't.

- Yes, I-- I'm gonna go. - No, no, no, no, no. - I'm gonna leave. - No, stay.

- No. No. Leave. - Don't go. Come on. - Go. Stay? No.

- Honey, we weren't talking about us. - I-- What?

- We wouldn't-- I wouldn't-- - No. I know. - You've gotta know that.

- I know that so much. - Bye. - So true.

Hey, I didn't go around telling my friends you didn't want to make love...

for almost two months after the baby was born, did I?

- Probably. - Okay, but it didn't get back to you, did it? Huh?

Are you sure you're okay about this woman coming along? It's not weird or anything?

Well, it's a little strange to be travelling with a chaperone.

But if you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.

Well, it's just, she's been through the process so many times. I think it's a good thing.

Honey, if this helps you get what you need inside...

- then I'm all for it. - Thanks, sweetie.

This cheese is disgusting. Get it away from me.

- What's wrong with this cheese? - It smells like vomit.

- Oh, stop being such a baby. - Mom, Dad, this is Tina. - I'm a baby who smells like vomit?

- Yes. - You okay? - Nancy, did you get that support bra yet?

- Not yet. - What are you waiting for? - Hey, I want to introduce you to somebody.

Please don't make such a big deal out of it.

- It makes a real difference. - All right, could we not talk about this right now?

Uh, yes, we're gonna talk about this because she's not listening to me.

- I want you to see something. - Ohh. - Very nice, Pearl. - For God's sake.

- I want you to consider my age and ask yourself how I maintain this. - Mom, why are you doing this?

- How? I don't know. How? - This is it. All right, can we not deal with this right now, please? - I couldn't have a baby.

But I had to fight the laws of gravity just the same...

and you need the help of a good bra.

And believe you me, if you want to keep your husband's attention, you'll get one pronto.

You know, if my breasts drop, they drop, and there's nothing I can do about that.

- Wrong! - That's right. Good for you, honey.

- Wrong! - Just back off, will ya? - You've had five of these.

- I don't think-- - Don't monitor me.

- Your new friend is, uh, very long-waisted, isn't she? - Okay, that's it!

- We're not talking about this any more, okay? - It's a free country.

- Why can't I talk? - Let him alone.

You're making an ass out of yourself again!

- Why don't you leave me alone! Why don't you just have a little sniff? - Don't do that. Hey, hey.

- The baby's crying. - Get that away from me, or I'll smack it off.

- Yeah, you're gonna beat me up in front of all these people? - Don't tempt me!

Would you stop acting like this? That's it! All right?

- Don't yell in front of the baby. - Don't yell in front of the baby. It's not good.

Well, he wouldn't have to yell if you'd listen to him for two seconds!

Well, what's gotten into my sweet daughter-in-law all of a sudden?

- Hormones. No mystery there. - Does this baby have a name yet?