The Office

‫Good morning, Dwight.

‫Who are you?

‫Who am I? I'm Jim.

‫We've been working together ‫for 12 years.

‫- Weird joke, Dwight. ‫- You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.

‫You seriously never noticed? Hey, ‫hats off to you for not seeing race.

‫All right then, Jim.

‫Why don't you tell me about ‫that sale that you made yesterday?

‫Uh, Wellington Systems?

‫Sold them ten cases ‫of 24-pound letter stock.

‫Or were you talking ‫about Krieger-Murphy?

‫Because I didn't close that one yet, ‫but I'm hoping...

‫I've got a voicemail from Paul ‫Krieger waiting for me.

‫Please enter your password.

‫- You have one new message. ‫- How did you know?

‫No! No, no. ‫That is sensitive information.

‫Only for employees, ‫not outsiders!

‫Dwight, cut it out. ‫I'm trying to work.

‫You don't work here! ‫You're not Jim!

‫Jim, I got us ‫that dinner reservation.

‫- Grico's, 7:30. ‫- Oh, great. Can't wait.

‫Jim's at the dentist this morning, ‫and Steve is an actor friend of ours.

‫I don't know who you are, ‫but you are not Jim.

‫This is Jim!

‫Oh, my...

‫oh, oh, how did...

‫- Hey, study buddies! ‫- Oh... okay.

‫Getting Things Done. ‫Awesome!

‫It's all about finding ways ‫to make yourself more efficient.

‫Life hacking, baby. This morning, ‫I brushed my teeth in the shower.

‫Saved myself 90 seconds.

‫Which I just used ‫to explain this to you. Damn it.

‫Since Andy promoted me ‫to Assistant Regional Manager,

‫I've been trying to step my game ‫up. You know, be more productive.

‫In fact, you know what? Let's knock ‫out a few more of these sound bites

‫while we're here.

‫That person has really gotten him ‫or herself into quite a predicament.

‫S'il vous plait...

‫Dites-moi...

‫Ah, French.

‫It's a great language.

‫If you're ‫a chain-smoking acrobat.

‫I'm just trying to fit in ‫better with Andy's family.

‫They all speak more than one ‫language. Usually when I'm there.

‫You want to learn a really ‫impressive second language?

‫Try Dothraki. ‫Win over any man in my guild.

‫Dothraki is the native tongue ‫of the nomadic,

‫war-mongering horse ‫lords of Essos,

‫as featured in the superb Home Box ‫Office series Game of Thrones.

‫It has a lot of nudity.

‫Which I fast-forward through ‫to get to the chopped-off heads.

‫I could teach you if you want, ‫it's a lot easier than French.

‫- Yeah. Let's do it. ‫- Athdavrazar!

‫It means "excellent." ‫And we have begun.

‫Is everything okay?

‫Oh, yeah. ‫Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

‫Fine, fine, fine.

‫I mean, I... I just don't want to burden ‫you with my massive stress freak-outs.

‫- Great. ‫- It's just that...

‫I am taking my driver's license test ‫in two days,

‫and I need to practice with an ‫experienced driver in the car.

‫But I've had no time to do that, ‫thanks to "Demandy."

‫I just want to hit the open road ‫and drive, man. But...

‫- in whose car? ‫- Nellie!

‫Get your wrinkly old balls ‫in here.

‫Nellie, I could practice ‫with you in my car at lunchtime.

‫Oh, Pam, thank you. ‫You are my savior.

‫Oh, my God...

‫I'm sorry I'm leaving you ‫alone for lunch.

‫Don't worry about it.

‫I have a thing.

‫A thing of soup.

‫Which I've been wanting to try.

‫This is my research into how we ‫might produce child-proof paper

‫that doesn't give you paper cuts. ‫We can't.

‫Executive-summary me. ‫Hit the highlights.

‫Well, it turns out you are a distant ‫blood relative of Michelle Obama.

‫- As in... ‫- Wife of Barack,

‫loves gardening, ‫wants to wipe out fat children.

‫This is super-flattering.

‫She's the most popular person ‫in America.

‫This is a big day ‫for both of us.

‫My fellow Americans, I have a ‫feeling my approval rating

‫is about to go ‫through the roof.

‫Turns out, I am related ‫to Michelle Obama.

‫I was intimidated ‫by Andy's family before.

‫And now I have to see ‫the First Lady at holidays?

‫She's gonna be like, ‫"what's your stance on politics?"

‫Or, "what is ‫the best war to do?"

‫And I will just be like, ‫"duh--"

‫All right! We gotta get rid of ‫all this junk food.

‫Get fit, America!

‫Not sure if the buzz has reached ‫the annex yet, but, uh,

‫I'm related to Michelle Obama.

‫Yeah, we noticed early on Andy ‫really appreciates enthusiasm.

‫"So we decided the best way to get ‫ahead here is to be his cheerleaders."

‫"It's starting to have this ‫reverse effect, though,"

‫"where I really do think ‫the stuff he does is awesome."

‫"Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to ‫remember what's real at this point."

‫Just clap through it, man.

‫You're logging sales ‫at ten different times.

‫If you log 'em all at once, you save ‫a lot of time. It's called batching.

‫- This is really good, Darryl. ‫- Life hacking, man.

‫- There he is! ‫- Andy you gotta check this out. He just...

‫Right now I need ‫canned tuna, okay?

‫Darryl, guess ‫which talented individual

‫who also has a killer singing voice ‫is related to the First Lady.

‫Tracee Ellis Ross.

‫Daughter of the First Lady ‫of Motown, Diana Ross.

‫It's me! ‫I'm related to Michelle Obama.

‫What? ‫Really?

‫I mean, it's distant, but...

‫- That's cool, man. ‫- Right?

‫Darryl said, "cool, man."

‫He called me a cool man.

‫You know, I really do think it ‫would be worth it to pull over

‫and just take ten minutes to eat.

‫The thing is, Pam, I'm gonna be ‫eating while I'm driving, so...

‫- I might as well get good at it. ‫- Brake lights.

‫Brake lights, ‫brake lights, brake lights!

‫I'm just saying, what does it ‫imply in this country

‫when a white person shares ‫an ancestor with a black person?

‫You think that Andy's family ‫owned slaves?

‫Well, somebody owned somebody.

‫And I don't think anybody ‫would buy an Andy.

‫- I throat-rip. ‫- Foth aggendak.

‫- You throat-rip. ‫- Foth aggendi.

‫- He-she-it throat-rips. ‫- Foth aggenda.

‫- More of a barbaric growl. ‫- Foth aggenda.

‫Louder. You're shouting it ‫from the back of a horse.

‫Foth aggenda!

‫Pretty crazy about Andy ‫and Michelle Obama, huh?

‫Yeah.

‫- It's almost unbelievable. ‫- What?

‫Well, do you know how Andy has ‫been really salting my onions lately?

‫Sure.

‫Well, when he asked me ‫to look up his ancestry online,

‫I remembered that news story about ‫Michelle Obama having white relatives,

‫and I just knew ‫he would eat that up.

‫So he's not related ‫to Michelle Obama?

‫Pam, I barely know how ‫to turn on my computer.

‫Nellie's pretty fearless.

‫And I think she might be ‫maybe even almost sort of fun.

‫Pam!

‫Well, if there's another explanation, I ‫don't really see what it could possibly be.

‫I...

‫What's going on here?

‫I'm related to the First Lady, okay? ‫Get over it.

‫I still need weekly ‫status reports from most of you.

‫So can we get ‫back to work, please?

‫- Get back to work. ‫- Andy...

‫Andy. Andy, no! ‫I would be very polite today.

‫Why, is it employees' day ‫or something?

‫I cannot keep track ‫of these BS holidays.

‫Your connection to Michelle Obama ‫has certain negative connotations.

‫Most likely, your family were... ‫slave owners.

‫Does anyone else think it's possible ‫that I come from slave owners?

‫That person has really gotten him ‫or herself into quite a predicament.

‫Hey, mom, it's Andy. Give me ‫a call when you get a chance.

‫Got a quick question for you.

‫No big deal, just about America's ‫national shame. Thanks, bye.

‫Where were we? ‫Yes, okay. Your...

‫productivity thing. ‫Yes, yes, yes. Great.

‫Ooh, spreadsheets. ‫Yum, yum.

‫- I included some time-saving ideas. ‫- Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

‫I'm a teensy bit ‫distracted right now.

‫Look, Andy, even if your ancestors ‫did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault.

‫This is only weird ‫if you make it weird.

‫Right on, brother.

‫Word dat.

‫- Ador! ‫- Daras.

‫- Qazer! ‫- Daras.

‫Does anyone here have ‫fermented mare's milk?

‫- Hey, Erin. ‫- Atchomar chomakaan!

‫Okay. Sorry.

‫Still, it must be great to have something ‫else going on outside of work.

‫Yeah, turn signal.

‫It's exciting to be painting again... ‫those are the wipers.

‫So the... it's just... ‫there you go. Yeah.

‫Yeah, things get so busy ‫with the kids...

‫red light... that it's nice ‫to have that creative outlet...

‫red light, red light, ‫red, red...

‫That is brilliant, Pam.

‫I'd love to see ‫some of your work.

‫Well, since we're stopped ‫at a light... uh, here is...

‫the mural I did ‫for Angela's baby.