Archer

Hurry, hurry, sit down, come in!

I have the most fantastic news!

What, did Bub finally die?

Who's Bub?

My mother, and before you make some snotty comment,

yes I have a mother, do you want to hear my news or not?!

Yeah, if you're done yelling at me for no reason.

Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!

- What? That's bad news! - Well it's about frickin time!

What, we're we not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?

Why would we invade.

Bermuda.

Ah, Bermuda. I was thinking Bahamas.

Same question.

Same answer, Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.

Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.

- Okay, Mr. Peabody... - Are you finished?

Yes.

Good. Because the B-52 was -

In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, is this

about the Bermuda Triangle, because that's my fourth biggest fear!

It's about the B-52's payload!

Namely, a Mark-28

hydrogen bomb.

Ohhhh!

Which ISIS... is going to recover.

What!?

And then give to the U.S. government in exchange for a huge reward!

So, ransom it back.

No, not ransom it, Cyril, we're- look, semantics, whatever, this is -

Treason?

A huge opportunity for ISIS!

- Or the Russians...- The B-52 is on the ocean floor here, at a depth

of eight thousand feet...

or thirteen hundred

thirty-three fathoms.

How do you know that?

How do you not?

So recovering the bomb requires a deep submergence

vehicle. The only American DSV is here, in the Pacific. The Russians have

one in the North Atlantic, so if they hear about the wreck and start

- steaming toward it- - They don't actually steam anymore, Mother.

It's a figure of speech, like "shut your hatch,"

because my point was, the Russians will beat them to it. So we are going to

beat the Russians.

Give it up, folks!

Mike Eruzione!

Well - shut up - since Krieger doesn't have a

- submersible hidden in his lab... - Or do I?

I don't, actually.

Then how are we supposed to beat anybody to a hydrogen bomb, under

two-point-two-seven leagues of water?!

Oh my Jesus God damn alright already!

Can I possibly help you?

Please, I know you were talking loud so

I'd hear you, so whatever, but we're not speaking so if you

want a deep submergence whatever you can talk to my stupid gross brother Cecil!

Who, by the way, is here to see you.

Ms. Archer will see you now.

Thank you, Cheryl, I- Rrraaaghh!

I hate you!

Hello, I'm Cecil Tunt.

I believe you're in need of some assistance?

Yeah, RienPoortvliet just called, he wants you to pose for him.

C'mon, beloved illustrator of "Gnomes"?

Jesus, read a coffee table book!

Wow, you own an island, an undersea laboratory,

and this... choppersaurus?

Guess it doesn't suck to be a billionaire, huh?

Probably not, but Cheryl and I split our

parents' estate, so technically I'm only worth five hundred million.

Which also doesn't suck, obviously.

Unlike you who totally sucks obviously!

Will you shut up?!

I swear to God, if you get us kicked off before I get my jumbo scrimps on -

You'll wish you were Michael Findlay.

A, Cecil won't kick you off, he wants

everybody here, for no good reason-- He doesn't need one,

he's an American hero. Who's going to make me rich.

And B, that's not even real shrimp.

This is all vegan-soy-bullshit.

Pffrrfft! Prrfft! Puh!

Because he's totally vegan, because his

stupid gross girlfriend Tiffy's a vegan, and a... brother-stealer!

Who can also totally heeearyoooou...

Which is amazing because why aren't you dead

from protein deficiency?!

Uh, because I get all eight essential amino acids

from amaranth and quinoa without murdering helpless animals?

Oooooh!

kkkuughh!

Hey, Tiff?

Could you, instead of antagonizing her, maybe go ahead and take off?

Love yoooou.

We'll rendezvous with my research vessel in a few hours, so in the meantime,

I guess, continue to make such wildly liberal use of the bar.

Done! You're okay, Cecil. I don't get why Cheryl hates you so much.

Right?

I mean, you've got this whole Jacques Cousteau-

- thing going on, that's- - Just one of many philanthropies. I have so

much on my plate, as it were.

Children Without Plates, speaking of plates, uh, Doctors Within Borders...

Within borders.

Well, of countries ravaged by war.

Right, otherwise- Otherwise there's not really much point.

Then there's Nourish A Child, Shoe A Child, Bespectacle A Child,

- umm, One Laptop Per Child Soldier... - Wait, what?

Which, unfortunately, soon became One Thousand Laptops Per Warlord.

Man, all those charities have gotta cost, like -

Hey! I should go help Tiffy.

Since we're flying into the Bermuda Triangle... where mysteries abound!

What kind of mysteries?

I'm kidding!

Well Cheryl, you come by it honest.

- Speaking of... - Aagh! Lana c'mon,

we're about to fly into the Bermuda Triangle, my nerves

are frayed enough as it is.

Really.

No, Long Island Iced Tea number three really took

the edge off. Want one?

No, I'm not drinking, but- Oh my God! I totally saw this coming!

You saw what coming?

Did you not join the Nation of Islam?

No, Archer, I -

You know they won't

let you keep dating Cyril,

right? Plus no bacon?

You done?

Well for now, but after I take a nap- You'll wake up just in

time to get shot for treason, because your mother wants to ransom a hydrogen

bomb back to the United States government.

It's a reward! And maritime salvage law is very clear on the subject.

According to Cecil.

And what's he getting out of this?

I... guess whatever useless thing philanthropists normally get from

squandering their money on the poor.

So what, he's conducting a huge naval operation just for a warm fuzzy?

I -- hey, wait a second!

What?

I think I have room for a fuzzy navel.

Wow Tiffy, who taught you how to fly?

Was it that goose you freed, ruining last year's Christmas

dinner, or -- Rrrgh, Cecil, I swear to Goddess...?

I know, Tiffy, but please, try to focus on the greater good. In the

words of the immortal Jeremy Bentham- Good thing I'm

immortal, cause if she says one more word to me I will slam

this helicopter into the frickin ocean.

Well, you seem busy.

So say it's worth two billion, a fair reward on that would be...

um, hello!

Oh, Mr. Tunt! Please, join me, you're just the person

- I want to talk to... - And I you. About my

sister. I was curious if you'd noticed anything...

well, curious, about her behavior.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, you're serious.

I'm afraid so, yes.

Well how much time do you have?

- As much as you need... - Oh my God, I

don't know what to say... I have figuratively lost my tongue.

With Brent it was almost literally.

That's why we can't have scissors.

I had no idea her mental state had declined to such an extent. I mean,

- the arson's not surprising... - What have you done?

Ha haha!

Take that, gazebo!

But you're telling me she had...

Mm! Choke-sex, that's her kink!

With a KGB cyborg. After she led him straight to the ISIS safehouse,

at 921 East Seventy-Third Street.

Oh my -- wait, is that classified?

- I won't tell if you won't tell... - Mmmkay! Well, I

appreciate your candor in this matter, Ms. Archer- Oh no, it's Ms.

Oh.

Ms., yes, thank you for, um... yes.

Come on, you call this fully stocked?

And no Georgia peaches? What the--?

What're you doing?

I -- what're you doing?!

Hairy navel. Started as a fuzzy, but I'm calling

this vacation, so... Okay.

Love our little talks!

Rrowrf. Nom nom nomnomnom.

Hi, it's Pam, right?

Enjoying the cruelty-free vegan seafood buffet?

Mrmff, it's pretty good, once you get over how allergic I am to soy.

What?! Oh my God, don't eat that!

Wh-? Hey! I am a consenting adult.

Plus I assume you've got an epi-pen on this big Riptide-lookin' bastard?

I -- yes, in the first aid kit in the cockpit, but -

Well then shut up.

Shutting up, yes. But before I do, could I... ask you a few questions?

How is everybody okay with this?

How are you not?

Lana, you heard Ms.

Archer, it's either us or the Russians, and -

I did not hear that, actually, but- But if you found

somebody's wallet, you'd expect to get a reward, so -

What if they won't pay a reward?

Then what, she just keeps the bomb?