South Park

Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

AND SO IT IS WITH HEAVY HEARTS

THAT WE SAY GOOD-BYE TO MABEL LOUISE CARTMAN.

SHE WAS A GOOD WOMAN, A COMMUNITY LEADER,

A CARING WIFE, PROVIDING MOTHER,

AND A LOVING GRANDMOTHER.

MOM, IT'S 3:30,

THIS IS TAKING UP MY WHOLE SATURDAY.

SHH, PUMPKIN, IT'S ALMOST OVER.

WHY COULDN'T THE FUNERAL HAVE BEEN ON A SCHOOL DAY ?

AND NOW, LET US BOW OUR HEADS IN A MOMENT OF SILENCE

AND REFLECT ON HOW MABEL TOUCHED OUR LIVES.

GOD, SHE DIDN'T TAKE THIS LONG TO DIE.

AND NOW WE RELEASE THE DOVES TO SYMBOLIZE THE LORD

TAKING MABEL INTO HIS ARMS AND GIVING HER EVERLASTING PEACE.

PEACE.

GREAT, NOW CAN WE GO ?

NO, SWEETIE, WE HAVE TO TEND TO SOME OF GRANDMA'S BUSINESS.

OHH ! GOD DAMN IT !

"AND SO I LEAVE MY STOCKS AND BONDS

"WORTH AN ESTIMATED $14.12

TO BE DIVIDED AMONGST MY LOVING FAMILY."

MOM, I WANNA GO HOME !

IN A MINUTE, SWEETIE, THIS IS IMPORTANT.

"MY LOVING SON, STINKY, I LEAVE YOU THE HOUSE IN NEBRASKA.

LOOK AFTER IT AS YOUR FATHER AND I DID."

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

"TO MY GRANDSON, ERIC,

"YOU WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE, FAT LITTLE MAN,

MY PERFECT ROUND LITTLE PUDDING PILER."

OH GOD, YOU HAVE TO EMBARRASS ME,

EVEN IN DEATH, GRANDMA.

"FOR YOU, ERIC, I LEAVE, FROM MY LIFE'S SAVINGS,

"THE SUM OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS

TO BE TRANSFERRED TO YOU IMMEDIATELY."

WHOSA-JIGGA-WHAT ?

A MILLION DOLLARS ?

"ERIC IS THE PRIMARY BENEFACTOR OF MY ESTATE

"SINCE IT IS LIKELY THE REST OF YOU

WOULD SPEND THE MONEY ON CRACK."

OH MY.

THAT CAN'T BE !

EXCUSE ME.

DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE ONE MILLION DOLLARS ?

YES, ERIC, IT'S YOURS.

NO WAY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SINCE I WAS TWO YEARS OLD IT HAS BEEN MY DREAM

TO HAVE ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

AND NOW, YOU DO.

OH.

THERE YOU ARE, JENNIFER LOPEZ !

YOU'VE BEEN MOST UNCOOPERATIVE, MISS LOPEZ.

NO, PLEASE !

I PROMISE I'LL NEVER MAKE ANOTHER ALBUM OR MOVIE.

IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT, MISS LOPEZ.

HAVE MERCY !

YEAH-HA ! AWESOME !

YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS !

WHY ?

BECAUSE !

NAH-UH.

NO, SWEAR TO GOD, IT'S TRUE...

YOU BETTER NOT BE LYING, KENNY.

999,400... 999,500...

DAMN, DAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MUCH CASH.

ME NEITHER.

999,900... ONE MILLION.

LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT IT, MOTHER.

SEE HOW THE LIGHT REFLECTS THE SPEARMINT GREEN FROM ITS SURFACE.

ERIC, THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP IT IN THE BANK INSTEAD OF AT YOUR HOUSE ?

I'M NOT KEEPING IT, MR. GARRISON, I'M SPENDING IT.

ON WHAT ?

ON MY DREAM,

ON THE ONE THING I'VE WANTED EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

EXCUSE ME, SON, I'M AN INVESTMENT BROKER,

I CAN HELP YOU INVEST THAT MONEY.

NAH-UH, I'M SPENDING IT.

ERIC, GOD COULD SURE USE THAT MONEY FOR A BIGGER CHURCH.

I THINK GOD HAS PLENTY OF MONEY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, FAT-ASS ?

NOT MUCH, JUST TAKING MY ONE MILLION DOLLARS OUT OF THE BANK.

OH MY GOD. KENNY WASN'T LYING.

WOULD YOU MIND STEPPING ASIDE, I'VE GOT A PURCHASE TO MAKE.

DUDE, CAN YOU LOAN ME 20 BUCKS FOR A NEW JACKET ?

HA ! IF YOU NEED MONEY YOU CAN GET A JOB, STAN !

NO FREELOADERS ARE GONNA TAKE MY HARD-EARNED CASH.

YOUR GRANDMA LEFT IT TO YOU, YOU DIDN'T EARN IT !

DIDN'T EARN IT ?

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE YEARS I SPENT MAKING GRANDMA LIKE ME ?

ALL THE WET, SPIT-FILLED KISSES I PUT UP WITH.

THE CONSTANT SMELL OF ASPIRIN AND PEE.

DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T EARN IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH !

NO, NO, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

YEAH, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

NO, I MEAN THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE, STAN.

CARTMAN IS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD.

HOW IS IT THAT GOD GIVES HIM A MILLION DOLLARS ?

COME ON, WE GOTTA SEE WHAT CARTMAN IS DOING WITH HIS MONEY.

WHY, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ?

THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING IN ALABAMA

AND YOU GIVE CARTMAN A MILLION DOLLARS ?

AND IF WE CAN JUST GET YOU TO SIGN HERE, AND HERE.

YOU'RE SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, SWEETIE ?

MY OWN AMUSEMENT PARK, MOTHER, I'M SURE.

AND NOW YOU JUST SIGN HERE MR. FOON.

I CAN'T DO IT.

WHAT ? WHAT ?

I CAN'T SELL THIS POOR KID MY PARK.

LOOK, I HAVEN'T BEEN HONEST WITH YOU.

THE PARK HASN'T BEEN DOING GREAT BUSINESS.

FRANK, SHH.

IT AIN'T RIGHT, CHRIS.

THE TRUTH IS, THE PARK IS A FINANCIAL FLOP.

I HAVEN'T TURNED A PROFIT IN YEARS

BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP ATTENDANCE UP.

OH, BUT I'M NOT BUYING THE PARK TO GET PEOPLE TO COME.

YOU-- YOU'RE NOT ?

NO, NO, NO.

I'M BUYING IT TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT !

DON'T YOU SEE ?

FOREVER IT HAS BEEN MY DREAM TO HAVE MY VERY OWN THEME PARK,

SO THAT I COULD BE ALONE IN IT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

I LOVE THEME PARKS, BUT THE LINES...

EVERYWHERE YOU GO-- PEOPLE, CROWDS.

THE RIDES ARE ARE GREAT,

BUT ALL THE LINES, LINES, LINES !

IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE,

ALL THE LINES, LINES, LINES, LINES !

AND THEN, THERE GET TO BE SO MANY PEOPLE

THAT THEY MAKE "FAST PASS".

SO THEN THERE'S LINES FOR FAST PASS.

YOU SIGN IN LINE TO GET A TICKET TO STAND IN LINE LATER.

THEN THERE'S LINES FOR THE BATHROOMS, LINES FOR DRINKS.

LINES FOR KARTANKULAS AND RARE KARTANKULA PLINKS.

AND SO YOU SEE, THIS PARK IS FOR ME.

NOBODY ELSE WILL BE ALLOWED IN.

OH WELL, THEN I GUESS I DON'T FEEL BAD.

MR. CARTMAN, CONGRATULATIONS, THE THEME PARK IS YOURS.

GENTLEMEN, I THANK YOU.

KYLE ?

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR YOU.

KYLE ?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THIS MORNING, STAN ?

THIS MORNING, I WOKE UP AND FELT A SHARP PAIN IN MY ASS.

I FELT DOWN THERE AND FOUND THIS BIG SORE LUMP...

ON MY ASS, STAN.

I COULDN'T EVEN SIT DOWN, SO,

I HAD TO TELL MY MOM, WHICH WAS HUMILIATING.

SHE TOOK ME TO THE DOCTOR, WHICH WAS MORE HUMILIATING,

AND HE TOLD ME... I HAVE A HEMORRHOID.

IT'S LIKE AN INFLICTED BLOOD VESSEL ON YOUR ASS.

I'M NINE YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A HEMORRHOID, STAN.

I HAVE A HEMORRHOID

AND CARTMAN HAS HIS OWN THEME PARK.

KYLE, I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT--

DO YOU, DO YOU, STAN ?

BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE IN JEHOVAH,

TO BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD ALL BEHAVE A CERTAIN WAY

AND GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO US.

I MAKE MISTAKES, BUT EVERY WEEK I TRY TO BETTER MYSELF.

I'M ALWAYS SAYING, "Y'KNOW, I LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY."

AND WHAT DOES THIS SO-CALLED GOD GIVE ME IN RETURN ?

A HEMORRHOID.

HE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE-- WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC ?!

OW.

LOOK, CARTMAN, HE THINKS HE'S GONNA BE HAPPY

BECAUSE HE HAS HIS OWN AMUSEMENT PARK,

BUT HE'S GONNA FIND OUT THAT WITHOUT OTHER PEOPLE

THE RIDES ARE TOTALLY LAME.

I MEAN, WHO COULD REALLY HAVE FUN BY THEMSELVES AT A THEME PARK ?

I BET HE'S SICK OF IT ALREADY.

YES ! YES !

AWESOME !

HO HO !

SWEET, YES !

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

Make sure your seatbelt is fastened, enjoy the Mine Shaft !

HEH, HEH, HEH-HEH.

YES ! YES !

OH, COOL !

OH, LOOK HOW MUCH FUN I HAD.

WHOA ! HEH, HEH, HEH.

WAA ! HEH, HEH.

WHOA ! HEH, HEH, HEH.

OOH, ADVENTURE ISLAND, CHECK IT OUT, AWESOME !

WOO HOO, YEAH !

I'M SO HAPPY.

I'M SO HAPPY !

OH, HEY, DUDE,

"TERRANCE & PHILLIP" IS JUST ABOUT TO START.

GREAT.

WHAT'S THAT ? IT'S MY SEAT RING.

I HAVE TO SIT ON IT BECAUSE OF MY HEMORRHOID, OW.

HEH, HEH.

SORRY.

SO, HOW ARE THINGS GOING AT CARTMAN'S THEME PARK ?

DUDE, JUST FORGET ABOUT IT,