Lady Dynamite

It was a week since I broke up with Scott, and I was doing great.

I was throwing myself into exercise and healthy living. I was doing great!

See?

Sweating and jumping. This is what people do after a breakup.

Absolutely.

Ever since I accepted that Barbara's gone for good,

I started turning over a new leaf.

Yeah, I mean... So, you feel better with exercise, right?

Oh, absolutely. Plus these great owl tranquilizers

I got online from this guy named Johnny He.

- I'm high, like, literally 20 hours a day. - Oh!

Plus, the gym is a wonderful place

to meet people. Truly.

Hi, there.

Hey, here's the big honeypot, girls.

Where's all my female honeybees?

Well, I'm excited.

You know, 'cause finally I can get to do the things

I've been putting off because I was in a relationship.

- You know. - Yeah.

Just going to salsa clubs alone or...

going to a cat show alone.

Acknowledging the homeless, on a regular basis, you know.

- Embroidery, it's so beautiful. - Mmm.

And I've always longed to be interested to do it, so...

But those are things you don't do if you're tied down.

Absolutely. I love everything you're saying.

But it's probably because I can only hear the blood rushing in and out of my aorta.

Did I mention there's a little man living inside my brain?

His name is Danny.

Owl drink?

Bruce, are you sure you're in a condition to handle my career?

Let me check with Danny.

Answer is, "Yes."

As a matter of fact, the Abluvia people

are looking for a new pitch woman for their brand-new campaign.

Oh, Abluvia? Is that... yogurt?

Yeah, a delicious yogurt with herpes at the bottom.

That's disgusting.

No. Just joshing.

Abluvia is a medicine for people with mouth herpes.

Speaking of herpes, that chick over there is checking me out.

I'm gonna give her something

- to really look at. Come with me. - Okay.

- Oh. Okay. - Just help me...

- ...pull down these cables, okay? - Yes. Okay.

I wanna get the full extension.

Okay.

You know, love really is like a child's prison.

You hold on tightly

and then you let go lightly.

- Okay. - Wait a second!

I'm a pterodactyl.

I don't understand what I did to her.

I mean, why isn't Maria taking my calls or calling me back?

Yeah, well, it's really hard to understand Maria,

you know, most of the time...

She thinks you fingerbanged her in the kitchen on Thanksgiving.

- Fingerbang? - Mmm-hmm.

Why have I heard nothing of this tale of fingerbangery?

Because you're a third-tier friend at best.

Wait. I promise you, I did not fingerbang anyone.

And she did not like how you scraped half your plate.

Mmm.

Okay, was it the plate scrape or was it the fingerbang?

So you did fingerbang her.

See, I'm part Native American, so...

my people are used to being raped at Thanksgiving.

- Look. I have big hands. - Ew.

If I'd have fingerbanged her in the kitchen,

you'd have felt it in the living room.

Okay, I don't feel safe!

Look, fuck-knuckles, Maria's got a mind of her own

underneath all that yellow hair.

So, do you want my advice?

- Yes. - You gotta go see her.

Bring her something she likes, like one of those self-help workbooks.

She loves those things.

She loves checking 'em off.

She can feel herself getting better.

Then you could bring her a case of LaCroix sparkling water.

Don't bring her that pamplemousse shit.

That's fucking disgusting.

Oh, you know what? And get her some pug shit.

She loves those little fuckers.

Great.

Thanks, but if you talk to her, tell her that I'll do anything,

whatever it takes to make this right, okay?

You should have thought about that

before you fingered your relationship to death.

That's not what happened.

Don't you point that rape stick at me, man.

Thank you.

I don't feel safe with him anymore.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't feel safe around me either.

Oh, God!

Oh, uh...

Hey, Bert.

Maria around?

It's late, Scott.

And she doesn't want to see your fucking garbage face.

I don't get it.

What did I do?

Is this about the plate scrape at Thanksgiving?

It's not my place to say. But, yes, it was.

And the fingerbang, and some other things.

Among them, your general neediness.

Who is it, Bert? It's late.

Hey, Bert! Dude, that's not cool!

No, I wasn't going to hit her.

In dog language it means, "I love you. See you in bed."

But I think it's fucked up that you went there.

Good night, Scott.

Let me talk to her for one minute.

In dog years that is four days,

and that is fucking ridiculous.

- Good night. - No, look, please...

No, tell her... I love her.

Leave the clock.

Leave the fucking clock!

Good job-job, Bert.

You're welcome. My dear Maria, Scott loves you.

- Why won't you talk to him? - Because...

I'm not comfortable with people, places, or things needing me.

When things need me, I let them down.

Scott needs me. I'll let him down.

I need you. And you've never let me down.

That's not true, and you know it.

Oh, yes, there was that one time...

I had been in Duluth for six months,

and I realized Los Angeles wasn't my home anymore.

This was where I belonged.

Mom, I was wondering if, maybe,

I could have my own space inside my room...

No, we don't want you to isolate yourself...

- Okay. - 'cause we want...

- some family time with you. - Okay.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

There's a fine line between isolation...

- What! Where's Bert? - Where'd he go?

He was just here, snorting away.

He's gone!

Let's don't get in a panic.

- I mean, how far can a pug go? - Exactly.

Checklist stole another one of my pugs!

- It's Blossom all over again! - Bert?

- Bert! - Where could that pug have gone?

Bert!

Hi.

I was wondering if I could put up a flyer for my beloved, missing dog, Bert?

Oh, sure.

If you want, you can put one in the break room, too.

Thank you so much. All right.

Oh, I can't even look in the cages, all these sad little eyes.

Wait... Bert?

'Tis I. I couldn't resist

- the pull of my true love. - Lady pug.

Better to die on one's paws than live on one's haunches.

It's you!

It's him! My dog, Bert, he...

You're not dead!

I've never felt more alive.

Bert, you ready to go home?

Not without my lover.

Oh!

This is my lover.

Bert, we can't take in another dog. I can't be trusted.

I killed Blossom.

I can't take responsibility for another dog.

Except you, you've been grandfathered in.

- Blossom! - That's right.

Take a seat, bitch. And listen hard.

A wet snout in your crotch

Loose fur on your couch

Sweet slobber on your cheek A warm companion when you sleep

Yes, puppies are the answer The opposite of cancer

We watch you when you shit We're really into it

When we chase after cars And dig up your yards

You love us just the same We don't even know our names

Puppy, puppy, puppy

Life getting scarier? Just get a terrier

Get beat by a brute? Pick up a malamute

Doubt the presence of God? Get a shepherding dog

Too much evil? Get a beagle

Lost your noodle? Get a poodle

Need a great big hug?

Just get yourself a pug

Really, dear. Get yourself a pug.

Oh, Blossom. I'm so sorry I killed you.

I was so stupid to turn over the garbage can with all those pills,

and I'm never gonna do that to another dog again.

Because I'm never gonna have another dog,

except for Bert, he's grandfathered in.

Poor Maria.

Don't you know, baby girl, that if you hadn't killed me,

I would have killed you?

One of us was not getting out of there alive.

I admire you, actually. You did what I could not.

My paws were too tiny to pull the trigger.

You had a gun?