Solar Opposites

‐ Hey. Do you have anything that screams "This guy watches golf"?

‐ Oh yeah.

This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol.

It's the exact model he wore

to the premiere of his Capital One commercial.

‐ Mmm. I love it how you can wear it one way

and look like a newsboy and another way and look like a bad boy.

‐ We patented that. ‐ Could we hurry this up?

Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies

and a locker full of lady's feet.

I wanna see that stuff.

‐ Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.

‐ Oh!

Red Goobler got a gun!

‐ What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol!

‐ Red Goobler?

Wait a hot fuckin' second,

I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year?

After he hunted us in the Halloween store?

R‐remember that whole thing? ‐ Yeah, I lied about killing him.

He got away, and I kinda just thought

maybe he'd disappear like that eye that used to be on my back.

‐ Damn it, Terry! That eye is still there!

And so is the Red Goobler!

‐ Wait, what the fuck, why is he so big?

Last time we saw him, he was about the size of a softball.

Or like a fat baseball.

‐ I don't know, Terry, he probably grows when I'm stressed out.

Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes.

‐ Well, sorry for trying to be consistent.

‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not trying to kill you anymore, I swear!

‐ Oh please, then what's with that sweet‐ass laser gun?

‐ It's just a barcode scanner.

I'm registering for my wedding.

‐ This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him!

Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him‐‐

‐ Gooby, what's going on? ‐ This is my nightmare.

Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.

So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me from his stress,

and I used to yell "get fucked" and try to kill him.

I was a terrible, unhappy person

and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.

‐ You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea.

‐ You're right, I don't deserve forgiveness.

I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day.

‐ You aren't that guy anymore, Red.

‐ If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.

Jen pulled me out of a dark place.

Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman,

wake up every day and make her bread

with this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker.

‐ Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun.

‐ Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding.

Hey, I've been dreading this for a while,

but it was honestly nice running into you.

‐ You too. ‐ Stay cool, brother.

‐ I didn't buy any of that for a second. Did you?

‐ Oh, I totally bought it, but my self‐esteem is so low

that I'll go along with whatever you feel.

‐ He's a liar and he sucks. ‐ I know, right?

Fuck that little asshole!

‐ I love when you don't have any conviction.

‐ Then I do too.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid. They're always arguing about politics.

Everyone is so busy arguing about politics,

but no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg.

Why aren't they talking about that?

What is with humans' obsession with fitness?

Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer?

‐ Oh geez, we're running the mile today?

I wore my fuck‐me pumps. I can't run in them, they're rentals!

‐ I suck at it too.

My legs were made for operating the left‐right orientation pedals

in a hunter kill star tripper, not running in a circle.

‐ Eh, let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice.

‐ Don't you remember what happened last year?

‐ I'm gonna puke.

‐ A 15‐minute mile?

I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average.

Our math and science budget is based on how fast you little shits can move.

Everybody's running again!

And if you don't like doing it,

you can thank Mr. And Mrs. Kingdom of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here.

‐ My noogie rash just cleared up.

‐ That's it. We are not doing this again.

Access cheating devices.

‐ Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension.

‐ Pretty sweet, right? ‐ Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.

‐ You don't get to choose the color!

‐ Wait, you're going to use The Time Cheater helmet?

Isn't that cheating?

‐ Oh yeah, it's as cheating as you can get.

‐ But, but all the after‐school programs I watch say cheating never works!

‐ Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hm?

Or do you wanna be cheaters for one quick second?

‐ Well, alright, but just this once.

We gotta be careful, too.

'Cause according to VeggieTales,

cheating will make you a gay potato.

‐ That's a chance I'm willing to take.

‐ What's with the helmets and backpacks?

‐ Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it

because they power our gender identity or whatever.

‐ Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year,

or I will fucking kill you.

‐ You did the entire mile in exactly one minute?

‐ That was fast, right? So we can stop doing this stupid test?

‐ No! Of course you can't. Because you two are obviously chee...

‐ Aw no, here it comes. I knew it.

‐ The best runners we've ever had.

These beautiful aliens are going to regionals!

‐ Regionals? Oh no. Are you sure we aren't getting in over our head?

‐ Oh yeah. We definitely are.

‐ American Airlines? One ticket to Regionals in Hawaii please.

Are you okay with coach?

‐ Am I okay with what? Coach?

‐ Yes, I am the coach and the principal.

‐ Uh, no, I mean economy.

‐ We all know the economy's great,

but you're not talking me into an expensive ticket.

Let's start over: Nonstop?

‐ Wow, okay.

One ticket to regionals in your finest seat please.

I'd like to pay with a credit card ending in 7624.

I'm just going to put you in first class to end this conversation.

‐ Works every time.

‐ That swole tomato's up to something, I can feel it in my mound.

We need to be ready for an attack.

‐ I'm going to take half my suicide pills now

and save the other half for when he tortures us.

‐ If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,

and I will still shoot you.

‐ It's Jen! ‐ Please don't kill us!

‐ Not even! Sorry for dropping by unannounced,

I just really need to ask you guys for a favor.

‐ Let me guess, you want us to shoot ourselves through our throats?

Well, fat chance!

‐ Uh, no. I‐I was wondering if you two would come to our wedding?

‐ It's a trap, Terry, run!

‐ No, stop. Gooby doesn't know I'm here.

You guys are the closest thing he has to family.

If you came to our wedding, it might let him

finally make peace with his past.

‐ Attend a Red Goobler wedding?

Ha. No fucking way.

‐ Listen, as long as that goobler's got something else in his life,

he won't be trying to cut out your eyes and shit in your mouth.

‐ You might have a point. Your annual one good idea.

‐ Nuh‐uh, I had a good idea last week! Remember?

I raised money for our frat by selling pies,

but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked picture

of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends?

That's why we sold so many pies? The whole pie thing? Remember?

‐ I will attend your ceremony,

to trick the Red Goobler into being happy so he won't hurt me anymore.

‐ Fine, but can you also not be this weird at the wedding?

My mom's gonna there and‐‐

‐ Shut up. There's only one problem:

you're far too basic to keep Red Goobler satisfied.

And if you break up, he'll become more dangerous than ever before.

‐ I'm engaged to a goobler. I'm as not basic as they come.

‐ Your name is Jen, you're very forgettable.

Where do you shop, T. J. Minimum?

‐ Sure he loves you now, but once he's sick of you

like we already are, it's back to hunting me!

‐ I'm starting to understand why Red hates you.

Ah! What the hell? ‐ Quick, Terry,

go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!

‐ On it! Ah!

‐ Terry, help!

This Lululemon basic ho is kicking my ass in the most boring way possible!

Shoot her with the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!

‐ What the hell is that!

‐ Hold still, this ray's gonna make you terrific and some other stuff.

‐ Don't you dare shoot me with that! I'll sue you!

‐ She's getting basic‐er by the second!

‐ Give me that.

You used the wrong ray! This is the Rat Ray!

We needed the R‐A‐T Ray.

It's right there, you idiot.

Can't you read? ‐ Of course I can.

He can't.

‐ Why would you put them in order of first letter?

‐ It's alphabetical, Terry! ‐ Oh my god. What does that mean?

Ahh! ‐ Shit! Grab her, grab her!

Oh my god, Terry, if we don't get her back in time for the wedding,

the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure!

‐ Fuck! Okay, okay, okay, I'll find her and de‐rat her

while you keep the Red Goobler distracted.